What’s in a Cold Shoulder? The Mind-Body Message Behind Frigid Sensations and Pain

I’ve been doing this mind-body work for years, but the varied ways the body speaks about what’s off in the mind, body, and life never ceases to amaze me. 

Case in point: This past weekend was the first class of my Body Language Master Class, where I teach others to understand the messages the body is sending them in the form of pain, discomfort, lumps, bumps, and rashes. 

As we were going through the various ways that pain speaks to us, I mentioned that when you figure out the message the body is trying to convey with the pain, the pain usually ceases. It’s like the body is the smart kid in class going “Oh! Oh! OH! I know!!” while waving her hand wildly in the air, trying to get the teacher’s attention so she can give the answer. Once the child is allowed to speak, she’s satisfied that someone listened to her, and calms back down into her seat. Pain is the same; listen to what it has to say, and it will settle down. 

At that moment, one of the students asked what a cold feeling on the shoulder might mean. As usual, I asked several questions to be able to hone in on the issue: 

“What side is it on?”

She rubbed her left shoulder.

I nodded. “Okay, what’s it feel like exactly? Describe it to me.” 

“It’s like this frigid chilly feeling.” 

“And when did it start?”

“Oh….” she drifted in to her own thoughts. “It’s been there for years and years…maybe almost my whole life.”  

This particular woman was really “getting” what I’d been teaching about translating the body’s language into a message you can understand, so she said, “Could it be that I’ve given the cold shoulder to others? Or had the cold shoulder given to me?” 

I responded, “Yes, it likely is. And, because it’s on the left, it’s likely a long-standing pattern with woman in your life.” 

She said, “Yeah, that makes sense. But how do I know if it’s because of me giving the cold shoulder or being given the cold shoulder?”

I pointed out that if she felt it had the possibility that it was both, then it was likely a pattern of not having supportive, safe relationships with women in her life, perhaps since childhood. Because of that, it was probably her giving the cold shoulder in self-defense or spite so she wouldn’t be hurt, AND it was likely that she was still hurt over the cold shoulder being given to her. I suggested that the best course of action was for her to journal about when in her life she experienced both those aspects and try to get it out of her. Then, she needed to start shifting that patterns with affirming statements that would retrain her mind to believe she deserved and could attract better women to her life. 

With the issue seemingly being solved, we went on to other subjects. 

About 20 minutes later, the same woman asked, “Uh, okay - so, the cold sensation is gone, but now I have a dull ache in that shoulder.” 

“Okay,” I said, “Has it moved at all?” 

She nodded. “Yes. It’s now more toward the back and going up the side of the neck.” 

I cannot tell you how often I see this pattern. Once the primary issue is solved, the body raises it’s hand again, seemingly saying, “Uh! Not done yet! Please take another look at this!”

In this case, the cold shoulder converting to a dull ache told me that it was a very deep, long-standing issue for her, and that there was a significant component of heartache from these encounters. In short, she was still very emotionally hurt by these issues.

In addition, the pain moving more to the back of the shoulder and up the neck was significant. It told me that the issue is very much around her not saying things she felt she wanted to say in those situations, and that she felt like she was stabbed in the back or that hurtful things were said behind her back. 

See how that works? Fascinating stuff. 

We talked that out and now she’s working on listening further and shifting those patterns. We’ll see in the next class if she’s been successful. 

Are you dealing with shoulder pain? Or pain anywhere in your body?

Join my course, Body Language: Deciphering Your Body’s Clues so You Can Heal today!

I am honestly so proud of this course - I take you through EVERY possible thing you might be dealing with - from lumps to bumps to rashes to pain to aches to itches to anything else - and I show you exactly how to translate the message behind all of it, including where it’s shown up in your body and when, to be able to understand exactly what your body is telling you about what’s off in your mind, body, and life.

And then, I take you through my proprietary method for creating a healing action plan that shifts everything into health and wellness. In this course, you’ll also learn how to break negative patterns and how to shift from negative habits (and why you have them).

If you don’t love it, just ask for a refund in 30 days and I’m happy to give it to you.

Check it out! There’s a reason you ended up here - and maybe, just maybe - your body was trying to tell you that this will finally empower you.

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A Mind-Body Look at Shoulder and Neck Pain - Rosario's Story

“What does it mean when you have pain just like she described but on the other side of the body?” 

The question comes from a beautiful, silver-haired Latino woman who I will call Rosario. As she finishes asking the question she swallows hard, as if it took a great deal of effort to allow herself to ask it.

I’m in the midst of teaching my Body Language: Deciphering Your Body’s Clues so You Can Heal seminar at the High Tide Women’s Weekend on Amelia Island, Florida. There is a great group of women in there, and I have been doing some on-the-spot mind-body diagnosis. Rosario is sitting a few rows back, but she sticks out to me; I noticed that she wants to speak, but keeps crossing her arms over her belly and covering her throat with her hand. Having done this work for a while, I know that these body postures mean that she is afraid of voicing whatever the issue is - and particularly, that she is afraid of being judged. As the woman before had just asked about similar pain, I am glad that someone else’s issue has helped her feel comfortable enough to be able to ask for help for herself.

“So, you have aching pain that radiates from the right side of your neck down into your shoulder, going all the way to the socket?” I ask, smiling to help her feel at ease.

“Yes, exactly.” Rosario agrees and touches her throat again.

“What does the pain feel like?” I ask, gently digging deeper so I can get to the key issue and help her heal.

“It’s an ache...” She says and then pauses, as if something else needs to be said.

“An ache...” I repeated slowly, giving her time to put voice to her thoughts.

Words begin to rush out of her. “And I had surgery on my neck, and ever since then my arm feels like it is pins and needles and it has tremors. My doctor looked at it and said it has nothing to do with the surgery. Oh - and when it shakes, my finger sticks out, too!” She holds her hand out, points her pointer finger, and demonstrates.

People in the audience start to giggle a bit - not because of Rosario’s distress, but because she is literally wagging a finger at everyone, much like we have all done something wrong and are being scolded.

I laugh and look around at the smiling group. “You know, sometimes these things are really literal. Anyone want to tell me what might be going on here?”

Answers come from around the room: “She wants to tell someone something!” “She needs to tell someone off!” ”She’s got to give someone a piece of her mind!”

Rosario starts to laugh. She looks more relaxed than I have seen her up to this point.

“Yeah, you don’t really need me to interpret that one.” I laugh and redirect my focus back to Rosario. “Okay, well, you are feeling emotional fear over something in your life relating to a man. I feel like you have solutions that you are aware of that you cannot or are not speaking; that is where all the pain in the neck is coming from. This is a great burden for you, which is why your shoulder is in pain as well. And aching, well, that means that it is heart-breaking for you. Now, I don’t want to dig too deep in front of everyone here - but does that make sense for you?” Tears  come to Rosario’s eyes and she nods. 

I smile at her and move on to conduct up a few more on-the-spot diagnosis and give some more training on how the participants could start to diagnose themselves. The moment that we finished, Rosario made a bee-line for me. “Would you have a moment to talk?” She asks quietly. 

“Absolutely.” I smile at her and walk outside, where Rosario begins to tell me the story behind her pain. As a child in Cuba, she had been part of a wealthy family until the Cuban revolution, when her father was put in prison and her mother had to run for her life. Out of love for her, her parents had put her on a boat to America, where she was suddenly a very poor child with no family. Understandably, this made her feel very unsafe.

As an adult, she met and married her husband who is 15 years older than her. She adores him - he is her stability - but she has noticed over the last couple of years that he is starting to look older and older, and she is worried about losing him - losing her soulmate and her stability. She has become more and more concerned about him because he doesn’t do anything to take care of himself. 

“I am so afraid of losing him.” Rosario finishes with tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Have you talked to him about your concerns?” I ask gently. My heart aches for her, because, being truly in love with my husband, I can understand her fear of losing him all too well.

“No, I haven’t - I have never been able to communicate well, and he doesn’t like to talk about emotional things.” She wipes a tear from her cheek.

Now knowing for certain that this is where her pain is coming from, she and I talk about how important it is for her to tell her husband how afraid she is about losing him, and how much she needs him to start taking care of himself so that she can have him around for as long as possible. I suggest she write a letter to him explaining it all, and then give that letter to him at a time where he would be able to be relaxed, read it, and process it. 

Rosario looks at me and smiled. “You know, I think that is just what I need to do! This is the first time I haven’t been in pain in weeks!” 

We hug and I ask her to keep me apprised of how it works out. She walks away smiling.

Rosario’s example is a perfect story of how much pain emotional and mental issues can cause us - and how much holding in our pain results in disease and physical issues. As I always say, if you don’t confront an issue, your body will. 

So, do you have shoulder pain? Ask yourself what is emotionally burdening you now. 

Is there neck pain involved as well? Ask yourself what you need to be saying. The answer might be surprising to you!

You know, this is why I love my work - I get to make a difference in people’s lives and help them to take back control over their minds and bodies every single day.