7 Life Experiences You Will Definitely Have if You are an Empath

Being an empath means that you will often feel quite different from everyone you know. The good news is that there are more empaths than you might think, AND that we all have a lot in common — including these 7 life experiences:

1.  You’ll be overwhelmed by large crowds and not know why.

As an empath, you feel everything going on around you, whether you are aware of it or not. Because of that, being in large crowds, whether it is for a party, a concert, a shopping trip, or any other place that lots of people convene, can be absolutely overwhelming for you.
 
In such a situation, you may start to feel anxious and even want to flee. You’ll likely think (or be told) that something is deeply wrong with you.

There’s nothing wrong with you; you are just too open to everyone’s competing emotions and energy and are getting totally overwhelmed.

Which brings me to my next empath experience…

2. You’ll sometimes feel like you feel the pain of the whole world and want to completely shut down.

I used to come home at the end of the week, climb in bed fully dressed in a suit and heels, and pull the covers over my head. I literally could not take one more bit of stimulation and needed total quiet. I would describe it to my husband as if all my nerves were on the outside of my body and felt like they were guitar strings that could not take one more person plucking them.

If you’ve ever felt like that, you are definitely an empath. Science is finally catching up with what those of us that have been empaths for a long time know: Our nervous system is literally wired differently than non-empaths. Because of this, we walk around sensing the subtle changes in environmental pressure, emotions, sounds, temperature, and everything else that most people are blissfully aware of.
 
Needless to say, this is pretty damn overwhelming. I liken it to being shut in a room with 400 speakers pointed at you, with 400 different kinds of music and talk radio on full volume blaring at you. ANYone, empath or no, would be overwhelmed and frizzed out after a short time of that.
 
As an empath, this is literally what is happening to you as you walk around all day, especially if you don’t have tools to shut it off. So, it’s pretty reasonable if you sometimes feel like I did, and need to hide under the covers for a while to recover.

Of course, this can also lead to the next empath experience….

3. You will feel out of control of your emotional state sometimes. 

Because you pick up on others’ emotional states whether or not they say anything about how they are feeling and whether or not there are any visual cues to tell you what’s up, there will be times when you will enter a space feeling totally happy and good, and suddenly feel extremely anxious and sad.

This emotional swing can seem like you might be bipolar*, but, if you are an empath, it’s just a moment-by-moment reality of being too open to everyone else’s energy.

4. You’ll be told that you are “too sensitive.”

Or a crybaby. Or a wimp. Or a tree hugger. Or a hippie. Or a “softie.” Or a doormat. Or weak.

In our culture, strength and dominance are often glorified, and emotional vulnerability, kindness, and compassion are often seen as a sign of weakness. 

Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that you are still standing even with all the emotions you feel every day is a freaking testament to your strength. It’s easy to go through life with even the saddest or most traumatic things barely making a dent to your emotional state. But, when you are carrying the trauma, difficulty, worry, stress, and sadness of everyone you meet and the whole world every day, and you are still expected to function as a normal human being - and you DO manage to function as a normal human being, that deserves a freaking badge of honor.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are an empathic badass, and that is real strength.

5. You’ll be bullied.

It’s an unfortunate reality that the more sensitive kids are the ones who are bullied. Or, as was the case for me, the empath kid will stand up for another child who is being bullied and then become the target.

This can carry forward into adulthood, where an empath adult finds themselves targeted by a bullying boss, friend, or even partner.

People shrug off bullying as a “rite of passage” for children, but that ignores the incredible long-term impact on the victim. In fact, bullying has been identified as one of the ACE predictors for issues such as alcoholism, depression, and certainly low self-esteem. In my practice I see how these emotional wounds are carried and cause pain and disease as well as negative life patterns, such as not believing in oneself enough to choose positive experiences.

If you are an empath and were bullied, please understand that it wasn’t you. You were the target of kids that didn’t feel good about themselves and took it out on you for a sense of power and control. If you are struggling with the long-term impacts of this, please either reach out to me or a qualified therapist for help.

If you are currently being bullied - or if you have an empath child who is bullied - please consider signing up for the Empath Institute. I have a ton of tools in there to help stop the bullying as well as to recover from being bullied and reclaim your sense of self and power.

6. You’ll attract a narcissist, or be raised by one.

Empaths are like moths to a flame for people on the narcissistic spectrum. I cannot tell you how many I have personally encountered, and every day in my practice I work with empaths who either found themselves in a relationship with one, were raised by one, or both.

Narcissists have a huge vat of internal pain and lack of sense of self that needs to be filled by someone offering them love and support. Unfortunately, because of their own levels of self-hatred, they actually hate the person who loves them. They may act like they are better than others, but internally they have little self esteem, so the thinking goes “If this person actually loves and cares for me and I am such an awful person, then they must not be worth much.” At the same time, because they don’t really feel lovable, they are terrified of losing the empath who does love them, so they use all manner of intimidation, manipulation, love bombing, and whatever else they’ve got in their bag os tricks to keep the empath under their spell.

It’s disordered thinking that traps empaths in co-dependent and often abusive relationships. Because we MUST take away others’ pain in order to stop feeling their pain, we end up putting aside all our worries and personal needs to help that person. The problem is that you can never help a narcissist. You cannot help someone who doesn’t truly believe that something is wrong with him or her. There is no amount of logic or care or love or goodness that you can possibly offer that will help a narcissist to wake up and see how wonderful you are.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist now, please seek help to get out (or just get out). At the end of this article, I will list a bunch of resources I love that can be a huge help to you.

If you were raised by a narcissist or have gotten away from one, please take time to heal yourself. Please understand that you were not a weak person for getting in to this relationship; you are just a caring person who tries to take away others’ pain. That makes you very attractive to a narcissist, who is hurting inside.

7. You’ll have a major difficulty saying “no.”

Empaths come into the world with a whole bunch of tools, such as the ability to heal other people, the ability to feel other’s pain and suffering, the desire to help the world, the desire to do good, and more.

What we do not come into the world equipped with is healthy boundaries. Because of that, saying “no” is almost impossible until we learn how to create a hold those boundaries, and that takes some work.

There are easy ways to start setting energetic boundaries in a way that allows you do so without feeling completely freaked out or weak. One thing I recommend is to start a “shielding practice” which allows you to start setting your boundaries from your core. It’s amazing how helpful this practice can be! There are many ways to Shield, I but I like to imagine that there is a bright, powerful ball of light that is in my solar plexus/core/stomach. Imagine that this ball of light is whatever color you would associate with safety or empowerment. Then, on each inhale, imagine that it gets bigger and brighter, starting to move out and around your body in steps (for instance, on the first inhale, have it surround just your core. On the next inhale, have it go all the way to your knees and all the way up to your shoulders, etc). Finish by having the light go all the way over your head at least a foot, and all the way under your feet at least a foot.

I have the entire Shield practice as well as a downloadable guided Shield meditation - and lots more tools and practices that can help you with all of this - in my Empath Institute, so consider getting on the list to join when it reopens, and you’ll have access to all of it!

What other life experiences have you had that seem to be common to empaths? I’d love to hear about it.

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Ask Tara: Is it possible to only be an Empath for Animals?

In this week's "Ask Tara," I answer a great question that I got from many of you: Can you only be an Empath for animals and not people?" Watch now to see my answer!

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How to Stop Auto-Helping: 4 Steps to Deciding Whether You Should Get Involved

Are you a compulsive helper, or, as I call it, an "auto-helper?" 

If you instinctively help regardless if you have the time, money, or inclination to do so and end up running the to rescue for every sob story or cause which crosses your path, then you are.

Because you help automatically, you can end up getting in way over your head with the amount of assistance or money which is requested. When this happens, you'll either push yourself to the point you are financially or physically broke, or you’ll develop resentment over all you’re doing with no one assisting you. 

Obviously, neither is an option which is going to allow you to continue to do the good you wish to do in the world. 

I've had to (painfully) learn this lesson, and I can tell you that it's better to go through the pain of having to say no immediately than to be driven into the ground and then be forced to say no to everything because you are beyond exhausted (or quite sick) and need time to recover. 

To avoid getting to this place again, I've put in place a 4-Step “Yes or No” Evaluation Method for whether or not I should get involved in a particular situation: 

Step 1: Evaluate the person or cause for what it is, not what you believe it to be. 

Believing in the inherent good of people and the power of second chances also means I've been blinded to a person's real intent in asking for assistance. I've also helped the same person multiple times, even though I had been burned by them before. And, I've given weeks (or years) of time to various causes, jeopardizing my own ability to make an income by putting their needs before my business’s needs. 

No more. Now, when someone asks for help, I first evaluate the person or situation in black and white terms (not with rose-colored glasses). I ask these questions: 

1. Is this a specific situation which they need some assistance to get through? 

2. Or, are they the kind of person who always wants (and gets) help, but never does anything with it? 

3. Have I been burned before, jumping in and saving the day for this individual or cause without any assistance from them? 

4. If this is a cause, is it one I feel passionately about? Am I already committed to helping another cause? (I suggest choosing one—and only one—cause to help at a time.)

5. Is it a legit emergency? (See #4 for determining an actual emergency, because not all emergencies are really emergencies.)

In practice, it looks like this:

If this is a person who always asks for extraordinary help and does nothing with it, I pass. If it’s a situation where I’ve been burned before, I pass. If I’m not passionate about it or already helping another cause, I pass. 

If it’s a person who just needs a little assistance to get through and will work to help themselves, I help. If it’s a cause I am passionate about and I am not already committed to something else, I help. If it is a legit emergency (see #4 on how I determine an actual emergency), I help. 

Step 2: Evaluate how much time, money, and effort you are able to put in. 

If this is a person or cause you determine you can help, set careful boundaries on the kind and amount of help you can offer. 

First, set expectations. Simply say, “You know, I think I can help, but I need to look at my schedule to see what I can do.” 

Then, sit down and figure out how much time you are willing or able to spend. Is two hours a week? An hour? Or, do you realistically not have time to give without affecting your wellbeing or income? 

If you don’t have time, say no.

If you think you do have some time (or money), cut whatever amount that is in half, especially if you are an Empath (and you likely are, if you are an auto-helper). Being an Empath means you think you can do more than you realistically can; cutting in half ensures you’re more realistic about what you can do).

Communicate that amount to the person you are helping. Be very clear, and do not be dissuaded. If they try to ask for more, just keep saying, “I’ve carefully evaluated what I can do, and this is as much as I can offer. I hope that is appreciated.” 

If—as so often happens—demands for time or money begin to creep upward, immediately set the boundary once again. A good thing to say is, “You know, I was looking at my schedule and realize I am really burning candles at both ends. I have to cut back the time/money I am offering across the board, so I need to go back to only doing ________ (insert whatever your original amount was).” (Or less, if you have figured out this is not a good situation for you. It’s okay to say “no,” even after you’ve said “yes.”) 

Step 3: Set careful limits on what is required for your continued help. 

Have you ever noticed that, upon receiving your help, some people begin to expect help, suddenly becoming seemingly incapable of helping themselves? Or how they start dumping everything on you, making no effort to help themselves? 

This is what I am talking about. If you are an auto-helper trying to break this destructive habit, it’s incredibly important you continuously evaluate whether the situation is one you want to keep being involved with. If you don’t, you can get pulled into doing more...and more....and more....and more. Without constant reevaluation, it is all too easy to fall into this potential black hole without being aware it's happening—until it’s too late.  

Step 4: If it's a true emergency or a critical situation, get involved (with a caveat)

Make sure the situation is actually critical or an emergency. Since some people will make you feel everything is an emergency, let’s take a look at what an ACTUAL emergency is. Which of these would you label an emergency?

1. Witnessing a car accident happen in front of you. 

2. Friend wanting you to drop everything to listen to the latest drama in their family.

3. Mom’s best friend dies.

4. Mom having a bad day.

5. Someone you care about has a heart attack.

6. Someone you care about who rarely takes responsibility for themselves asks you to pay their car payment or rent.

7. Friend needs a ride to the hospital for stitches.

8. Friend wants free business help for the business he started.

9. Friend wants help setting up the house for a cocktail party. 

If you said 1, 5, and 7 were emergencies, I’d say you were right. Number 3 might be an emergency, depending on the situation. The rest of them are non-emergencies and need to be treated as such, using the evaluation method above and the questions below. 

So, the next time someone asks for your help and presents it as critical, take a breath and ask yourself if it’s REALLY an emergency. To decide, ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. Is this life-or-death? If yes, it’s an emergency. 

2. Is there truly no one else (including the individual involved) who can help here? 

3. Would this person be in this situation if they simply planned better (this is often the case with last-minute requests for help with a work or social situation)?

4. Can this person solve their own problem? If this person could work a bit harder, get a second job, sell something on eBay, hire someone, or jump in there and make the effort to dig themselves out of the situation, then it is not an emergency and you should not drop everything. In fact, you should be going back and deciding if you even should help at all. 

Believe me, I get how difficult breaking this habit can be. I have struggled with it for most of my life, and I still struggle with it today. However, putting these rules into practice has helped me help myself, which allows me to keep helping those who really need and deserve it. 

I hope I’ve given you some good sentences and phrases to use to be able to hold to your limits and say “no” - I find that one of the common things with compulsive helpers is that we don’t know HOW to say what we need to say, and we become overwhelmed with fear or the feelings of the other’s need, and then we give in. Using these words and phrases - and practicing them so you are ready - can give you a tool in all situations.

You have many ways you help people each day, too—it’s important that YOU have the energy to keep doing the good you do in the world as well!

Want to find out if you are a true Empath (if you are a serious auto-helper or people pleaser, it's highly likely you are!)? Take my free Empath Test and find out now!