Listen: My Interview with Unstoppable Coach

Want to know what my worst, most crushing moment was? The moment when I almost gave up on my business? Or how about why I decided to work with Empaths? Want to know the secrets I use to grow my business? Have you ever thought about being a coach and want to know more? 

Listen to the super-fun, extremely open interview I did with the lovely Millette Jones!

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My Response to Charlottesville: We Must Rise Up With Love, Not More Hate

I’ve given a great deal of thought to how to respond to the horrors in Charlottesville over the weekend. Here it is: 

I don’t want to hate anyone, not only because hate is bad for my health, but because hate is never the answer. I mean, it is literally never the answer. However, I’m human, and it’s hard not to hate the people that attended the Nazi rally in Charlottesville. 

However, hating gives them more of what they want. Hate is what caused them to be who they are today. Hate is what fuels them. God only knows what factors in their lives taught them to hate that much; we don’t come into this world filled with this sort of frothing, gasping, violent hate in our hearts. Hate is taught. Hate is learned. This kind of hate often stems from deep fears and even deeper feelings of inadequacy. People like this rarely take responsibility for themselves, their actions, or their failings. They’ve likely been bullied or made to feel powerless at some point in their lives, so they’ve become the bully to try to feel more powerful.

It’s a pitiful, emasculated way of being built on a fake notion of masculinity and strength. I’d feel sorry for them if they weren’t so horrific. 

Then, I thought about the fact that these people would wish me, my husband, and our beautiful Afro-Latina daughter dead. If they saw us, they would absolutely spout horrifying things; things I saw repeated over and over on Twitter during the election, as they crawled out from under their rocks, legitimized by hateful rhetoric. Things like “If you adopt black children or marry a black man, you are participating in white genocide,”or the lovely “If you are white and raising a black child, you are raising the devil.” Truthfully, I saw a lot worse than that, with images of black children hung or dead or memes celebrating the death of a black person. 

And I started to be afraid. I was afraid for my daughter, because while we are doing everything we can to make sure she has a strong connection to her Caribbean, Puerto Rican, and African American roots, those same roots make her a target of this kind of terrorism. Just the color of her skin makes our sweet, innocent, giggly little girl a target of their hate and violence. Spurred by my raging motherly instincts to protect her at all costs, I began to feel that maybe we shouldn’t travel much right now, in case we encounter these kinds of people somewhere. I found myself walking by people and wondering: “Is this one of them?” and wanting to cover her up. Fearful, I started to have a deep desire to hide us all away in the safety of our home. 

I realized this was crap. I won’t give them the satisfaction of fear. I won’t play into their desires by hiding away my family because of their twisted view of the world.  

And then I thought about what my little family was doing while this disgusting rally was happening: We were getting first birthday pictures done for our precious little girl, all the while smiling, giggling, and showing our love as a family. Strangers were stopping and breaking into huge smiles as they saw her, all dressed up and giggling, and us, all dressed up and beaming with pride. More than one person stopped to tell us that seeing our little family made their day, and marveled at how gorgeous she is and how loving our family is together. 

So, while a bunch of people were raging with hate, we were filled with love and joy and pride. We were inspiring other people by simply BEING the love we feel for each other. 

In fact, we were doing what the majority of Americans were doing that day—going about our lives, living with love in our hearts and trying to make the world a little better. As I thought about that, I began to glance through my news feed to see what my friends were doing that day. There was a gay couple celebrating the fact that their child just learned to ride a bike. There was another gay couple dropping their gorgeous, accomplished adopted daughter off to college. There were many Muslim, Hindu, Italian, German, Irish, or a-little-bit-of-this-and-that families out and about together, laughing and teasing each other. There were couples of every race riding bikes, running, watching movies, or just hanging out together. Little kids of every shade under the sun were playing on swing sets and basketball courts and playgrounds. People of every color were born, were dying, were mourning losses, were finding the beauty in moments. 

In short, the vast majority of us were being Americans—real Americans. Heck, we were simply being real human beings. We were socializing and texting and shopping and eating and hanging out. We were showing love and compassion for each other. We were families of every color, creed, and inclination simply being families and celebrating the fact that we live in a land built by immigrants and made better by a melting pot of perspectives and cultures. 

That’s what America is. And because of that, this kind of hate will not make us afraid. It will not break us down. It will not win. It. Will. Not. Win.

And we won’t hate. We will love each other more. We will be more compassionate. We will work harder on being more inclusive. We will recognize the overlooked and do something about it. We will love harder, even when it’s harder to love. 

And when we do that, we prevail. In "The American Crisis," written during the Revolutionary War, Thomas Paine said, "These are the times that try men's souls." 

The soul of America is being tested yet again, and this test gives us the opportunity to, without fear or wavering, declare that love, diversity, and American ideals are of value to all of us; that we truly are better and stronger together. And that is what we will do—we will rise up, and we will stop this in its tracks. As our leadership falters, we are now, each of us, called to be leaders, and we will not falter.

We need to follow in the footsteps of the incredible Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. His model of strong, centered, passive resistance worked for the Civil Rights Movement, and it will work again. 

As he so correctly noted, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

Lead with love. Love wins. Love always wins.

Even Perfect Women Have a Breaking Point: How to Give Yourself a Break Before You Fall Apart

I ripped the leg off my Barbie as a child.

This confession comes with a caveat: It was an accident. I was simply trying to see how flexible she was and kept clicking the leg back until “crack!” - it just came off. 

As it turns out, even the “perfect woman” has a breaking point.

While I meant her no harm in that moment, I never cared much for Barbie even as a child. I think even my 5 year old self knew there was something very wrong with the perfect image of Barbie: ever smiling, wearing all matching outfits, ridiculously proportioned, and looking for her perfect Ken so she could have the perfect kids and house and life. 

Looking back at the memory of holding her leg in my hand, I realize that I was learning an important lesson: Trying to be perfect all the time ends up breaking you, no matter how flexible or strong you think you are. 

If you have been trying to be flawless for too long - holding up an unrealistic image and schedule - and are reaching your breaking point, it’s time to rethink perfection and give yourself some unconditional love and support.

Love your imperfection - it’s likely what makes you unique!

Copyright Fadsin Cinema Associates, 1975

Remember that movie Stepford Wives?  All the women were exactly the same, turned into robots who looked and acted like society’s image of a perfect woman. Watching the movie, it is obvious that having all women everywhere cater to one definition of “woman” is not only creepy, it is highly undesirable.

However, after being fed a constant stream of air-brushed, cosmetically enhanced media images of the women we “should” be, it is far less obvious in our own day-to-day lives that we often strive to live up to a similar “perfect” or “normal” standard that would erase all that makes us unique. 

Worse, holding ourselves up to these so-called perfect images, we begin to hate aspects of ourselves that don’t seem to fit into this flawless frame. The more we hate ourselves, the more we attract negative, critical people and experiences to our lives, which makes us feel even more imperfect. 

To break the negative cycle, try this:

Tomorrow morning when you look in the mirror for the first time, notice what you say to yourself. Is it critical? Do you judge yourself harshly? If so, catch yourself in mid-thought. Take a deep breath, and think of a time when you felt truly loved and desired. When you have this emotion flowing all over your body, look yourself in the eyes, smile, and say to yourself, “I love myself. Who I am right now is beautiful.” 

If nitpicking at yourself is a habit, this will be very hard at first. Just be gentle with yourself and keep at it. 

Once you feel like you can send love to your eyes, it is time to send a little love to the rest of you. Find one part of your body that you dislike, and keep at it until the love starts to seep in. When you start to feel better about that body part, move on to the next one. Keep it up until you can honestly look at any part of you without feeling hatred, judgment, or criticism. 

This practice may seem silly. It may seem like too much work. It may seem too uncomfortable for you to do. Do it anyway.

The truth is that until you love yourself unconditionally and honor your uniqueness, you will never find people - in love, business, or friendship - that offer you the love and respect you truly deserve. 

So, own your uniqueness fully. Look at it as the asset it is. After all, history is full of successful women who became so because they were not afraid to be different from the norm and learned how to use their individuality as their “wow” factor.

Be different. Be you. Love yourself. Stand out from the crowd. Be proud of your differences, and use them to become truly memorable!

Best of all, when you embrace who are are and make decisions from a place of self-love then you won’t end up breaking, and isn’t that worth it in the end?  

Tara's Questions for Positive Change:

1. For one hour of TV watching, write down any messages you notice that advertisers or media is putting forth on what is a “perfect woman.” Now, write up your list of how you define being a woman. How does your list differ from the media perspective? 
2. What do you hate most about yourself? Can you first remember when you decided that it wasn’t okay? What were the circumstances? 
3. Think about the words you use to criticize yourself. Are they the same words that you heard parents, teachers, coaches, friends, or other authority figures use to criticize you? Realize that there is no need for you to continue to believe that another person’s perspective on you is right.
4. What is really different about you? Make a list. Then, think about how that uniqueness benefits your life. How can you use that difference, be it in looks or in how you see the world, to make yourself unforgettable? How about to benefit the world?
5. How do you think your life would be different if you truly accepted and loved yourself? 

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What to Do When Life Seems Out of Control

I subscribe to the belief that no matter what, you are always in control of your own emotions. 

(There’s a big BUT coming…)

BUT there are times when long-term stress from a myriad of causes can make it seem like you are very much out of control of everything. 

How do you put yourself back in charge of how you are feeling and reacting? Better yet, how do you start changing your life for the better? 

Here are a few ways that work for me: 

1. List the things in your life that ARE in your control.

No matter what’s going on in your life right now, there are things that ARE in your control. Don’t believe me? Here’s a short list: 

• The pace of your breathing. 
• What you decide to look at. 
• What you choose to put on in the morning. 
• What you choose to eat. 

Start making your list. What’s in your control right now? Doing this helps shift you from the “victim” mode (“Why is this all happening to me! I can’t do anything about it!) to the “empowered” mode (“Okay, some of this is out of my control, but I CAN control some things.").

Focus on consciously controlling the small things you can. Then, focus on what you can control in larger, more complicated situations. The more you put your mind in the mode that you are in charge, the more that things begin to feel under control in your life in general. 

2. Realize that, through a series of stressors or shocks, you’ve become programmed to react from a place of fear, worry, and exhaustion.

While it IS true that you are always in control of your emotions, if you’ve been through a series of unexpected stressful events, you shift into reaction mode.

What’s this mean? Basically, you are prepared for battle every moment of every day. You EXPECT the worst is going to happen, so when anything happens (good or bad), you react automatically from a place of fear, anger, or exhaustion. Basically, in reaction mode, you bypass the usual break between the experience and your choice of reaction to it, and instead, you just react. 

On top of that, gone are the days when you made confident decisions; by expecting the next thing to be as bad as the last, each decision is made with anxiety and worry.

I cannot tell you how difficult it is to shift from reaction mode to being empowered again when you are in this out-of-control, my-life-sucks place, but it can happen. In fact, taking back control over your emotions is the key to taking back control over your life.

The first step is acknowledging that you are in reaction mode. The next is to start making empowered, non-rushed decisions. 

3. Start making empowered, non-rushed decisions. 

For me, when I go through an out-of-control period, I fall into “decision fatigue,” and have difficulty trusting my instincts to make even the most irrelevant of decisions. In fact, something as simple as what to make for dinner can have me standing at the fridge for minutes trying to figure out what looks good. 

More often than not, in this decision fatigue state, I’ll make the “lesser” or “easier” choice and, instead of, for instance, making something healthy for dinner, I’ll go out to eat or call for pizza. (Neither are decisions I’d be likely to make if I was feeling clear-headed and in charge of things.) 

Worse, I find that in this state even little things - a colleague asking for help with something, a driver cutting me off on the road, another phone call while I’m in the middle of something important to me - make me react more sharply and angrily than I would ever normally do. 

I’ve noticed this phenomenon in my life for years, but it turns out that “decision fatigue” is a very real thing. In fact, social psychologist Roy F. Baumeister, coined the term after discovering that the more decisions a person has to make in a period of time, the more likely it is that the person either makes an impulsive and slightly reckless decision, or, exhausted by all the choices, just stops making decisions altogether. 

It’s basically the cumulative effect of trying to make the “best” or “right” choice a zillion times in a day. When you are going through a period when you have significant stressors - and maybe some of those stressors are because of decisions you made previously that seem to be “wrong” - you will get into a mode of panic. 

For me, this manifests in this kind of thinking: “What if this decision is wrong? What if everything falls apart? What if I put in all this effort and it fails? Maybe I should just take the safe choice. What is the safe choice? Maybe I shouldn’t make any choice right now; everything is just too scary. I’m going to screw this up.” 

As you may know, that is not a fun dialogue to have running through your head; little things seem like life-or-death things. 

If this is happening to you, realize that whatever decisions you made that have lead you to this point are in the past. Yes, you may be dealing with the ramifications of them at the moment, but you can make present decisions that lead you to a better place. 

More so, realize that you made the prior decisions with the best information you had at the time. With new info, you might go back and change it, but you can’t. Instead, use the new information to have confidence that the next decisions will be better ones. 

To start to get out of this mode, make the most significant decisions early in the morning after a good night’s sleep; you’ll be freshest and most able to clearly see what you want to do. Always take a moment to calm your mind and connect with positive emotions - happiness, love, contentment - before making a critical decision. 

Next, if you get overwhelmed through the day, remember that you can always walk away and gather yourself before making a decision. Use the phrase, “You know, I need a few moments before I can decide on that,” and excuse yourself. 

Go somewhere quiet (the bathroom or your car, for instance), and breathe in and out several times. How do you really feel about this decision? Listen to yourself. Make the decision. Expect the best. 

To help with this process, use the retuning statement (affirmation), "I am now in charge of my life. I trust my ability to make empowered decisions for my best." It's a good idea to use the retuning statement when you wake in the morning, by closing your eyes, connecting with a feeling of happiness (imagine a happy time in your life), and then repeating the statement over and over while in that happy state. 

While it does take work, by using these steps consistently, you will reprogram your mind to have confidence in your ability to control your life. 

Put these steps in place today; I’d love to hear your experiences below!