6 Critical Questions to Ask Before You Screw Up Your Life (or Feel Like You Have)

You know that old adage, “Hindsight is 20/20”? 

If you’ve ever made a decision which you later regretted, you’ll deeply understand what this means (and may have heard it from more than a few well-meaning people). Faced with the result of a bad choice, you likely grumbled, “If I’d only known then what I know now, I’d never have done it!”

It’s an awful feeling to find yourself living the consequences of bad decisions. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could avoid making decisions you later regret? Or have 20/20 vision now to make decisions that improve your life, instead of screw it up and wear you out? 

As we head into this, let me just say: I don’t feel like (generally) you can totally screw up your life (but you can certainly feel like you have). Experiences happen for a reason, and often we learn lessons that are necessary for a better life from even the worst experiences. However, using these questions to evaluate any decision you are pondering might give you a level of awareness that allows you to learn the lesson without having to actually go through the bad experience, and that’s enlightenment I can really get behind.

If you stop and evaluate any decision you face with these six powerful questions, you can start making decisions that you’ll love: 

1. Would I be doing this out of obligation or guilt? 

If you were raised by parents that used guilt to get you to bend to their wills (or if you went to a religious school or attended a conservative church), it’s likely you’re susceptible to agreeing to things you would not otherwise agree to due to the overwhelmingly awful feeling of guilt or obligation. 

Take a moment to think about how many times you’ve done something out of guilt or obligation. Did you enjoy the experience? Or did you regret your decision and beat yourself up for your lack of willpower, all while suffering through until it was over?

Agreeing to any experience due to a sense of obligation or guilt takes valuable time and energy from experiences that are good for you and rarely ends well. Whether it’s as minor as deciding whether you have dinner with an old friend who wears you out or as major as mulling over whether you should end an unhappy engagement, recognize guilt and obligation for what it is, disengage from it, and listen to your gut instinct on what is best for you. 

2. Do I enjoy being with this person (or people)? 

There is almost nothing worse than hanging out with someone whose company you don’t enjoy or whose values are dramatically different from yours. It’s even worse if the person is highly critical of you, either overtly or passive-aggressively. It’s worse yet if the person undermines you and your goals.

The exhaustion you feel after dealing with such a person takes away vitality from you and depletes your ability to put time and effort into good things in your life. After all, when you’ve been with someone who wears you out, are you feeling energized to keep on with your goals? Or do you just want to take a nap? 

I think you know which it is. 

Make a list of people in your life. Notice how you feel after being with each person. Are you energized, happy, and feel valued? Or do you feel drained, worn out, and ignored? 

If it’s the latter, dial back (or eliminate) time spent with that person. Life is too short to be with people that wear you down.

3. Am I just forcing this being the right thing, even though it feels wrong? 

A friend of mine really, really wanted to be married. Every relationship was heading to that goal, whether or not the guy would make her happy in the long run. She finally got her wish and married a guy that was clearly not a good person and didn’t love her like he should. Fast forward five years: She ended up in an ugly divorce which left her financially and emotionally depleted.

My husband was offered a promotion at work which would require a move to a place where we had both said we would never, ever want to live. Somehow we talked ourselves into that move—after all, it was the next logical step in my husband’s career and it was a nice pay increase—and it was the most miserable year of our lives.

Sometimes the desire to attain a goal over-rides our intuition that the current experience isn’t the right one. It’s easy to do, especially if you are really trying to grow your business, take that next step in your career, or meet a big life goal. When an opportunity presents itself, it’s tempting to talk yourself into it, even if your gut is telling you that something is not right. 

If you have that situation presenting itself to you, it’s a good idea to write out what you are feeling about the opportunity and why you think you need to move forward. List what you truly want in the situation, then look to see if this opportunity matches with those desires. If the lists do not sync up, then you know that this is not a step forward you want to take. 

Look for the right thing—the one that truly matches your highest goals and desires on all levels—not the thing that only checks off the box on your goal list. 

4. Am I afraid of looking stupid if I don’t go forward? 

We’ve all done it; we announce to the world some grand plans to start a business, lose weight, write a book, or have a kid, and then realize that it might not be what we really want. For most of us, the fear of losing face with all those people is so overwhelming that we stick with the plan for way longer than we should. We end up miserable, worn out, and sometimes even broke. 

So what if your dad will knowingly tell you “I told you so!” when you announce that you’re not marrying that guy he always hated? Who cares if your friends will laugh at you when you say you’re walking away from a business that’s draining you on every level? Your happiness and health are more important than other’s opinions, and, at the end of the day, staying connected to something that’s not truly right for you keeps you from being able to take advantage of the right thing when it shows up.

If your motivation for staying the course is worry over other’s judgement of you, that’s a big red flag that it’s time to throw caution to the wind and decide a different path.

And the next time you have a big dream or goal, only share it with people who will support and love you whether or not you accomplish said goal. Anything else is self-abuse.

5. Am I afraid of looking stupid if I DO go forward? 

Contemplating quitting your day job and taking an internship in your dream field? Thinking about adopting a baby as a single parent? Mulling over going fully mobile and traveling the world?

There is no human who has ever existed that made a great step forward for mankind (or just themselves) that wasn’t criticized, laughed at, or targeted. What if Einstein had given up because one of his teachers said he’d never get anywhere? What if Gandhi hadn’t begun a peaceful movement 

Do yourself a favor: If you want to go forward on an unconventional plan that’s calling to you from deep in your soul, go for it. The more people who make fun of you or tell you that you’re crazy, the more likely it is that you’re on a path to something really awesome. 

6. Is it just that I hate quitting? 

Many of us have been taught that “quitters never win,” which causes a great amount of incentive for people to stay in situations way longer than they ever should. This is never more apparent than when you’ve realized that a prior decision was a bad decision, but now you fear letting go because you “shouldn’t quit.”

Don’t do it. I know you might have put a ridiculous amount of hours into a new business or spent endless hours writing that novel you know you have in you, but if there is a point when you are no longer passionate about going forward or it’s taking a serious toll on you or your life, it’s time to walk away. 

I can tell you of at least 3 different times in my life when I KNEW that I should walk away from a project, but kept trying to make lemons out of some seriously sour lemonade. In one case, I had put two years of my life and passion into a start-up that I truly believed could make a huge difference in the world, but knew that the president of the company was a hot mess and could not be trusted. But, I believed so strongly in our mission that I doubled-down and worked even harder, thinking that I could somehow bypass her and pull this off. I also didn’t want to let down my co-workers, who also had put a lot of passion and time into this. I really thought a handful of us could somehow pull this off. I just did NOT want to quit on something this important. Needless to say, one of my greatest regrets is not walking away earlier. 

If you feel like you HAVE to stay with a certain project because you don’t want to let others down, or that you’ve put a crazy amount of time/love/creativity in and are having a hard time letting go, just ask yourself: “How is staying with this project depleting me? How is staying with this causing me stress? If I was able to let go, what might improve in my life? Why do I think I cannot quit?”

I also love a practice from a favorite author and inspiration of mine, Tim Ferris. He suggests that, when looking at a situation like this, to do a “fear-setting exercise.” To do this, imagine quitting the experience/job/relationship/whatever, and go to the absolute worst case scenario. So, for ending a bad engagement, it might be, “I’ll end this relationship and all our friends will hate me. I’ll lose the money I have put down on the wedding venue, because it’s too close to the marriage. Everyone will think badly of me because I did this. I will be alone for the rest of my life and die alone.” That’s certainly pretty grim. Then, on a scale of 1 - 10, rate how likely that scenario is. In this case, it might be a 3 or 4, at best. Next, think through the best-case scenario. “I will finally be free of a miserable relationship and will stop feeling stressed all the time. I will be able to do fun things I like to do just for me, and I will learn to love alone time. When I am ready, I will find a wonderful person who will be my soulmate, and we will love and support each other for the rest of our lives.” Rate how likely that scenario might be; in this case, it’s probably a strong 8 - 9. Then, rate how much better you would feel overall if you did this. If the worst case scenario is a lot less likely than the best case scenario and you’d feel lots better moving toward the better scenario, then it’s a great indication that you should make that move. 

If you realize that you are freaking miserable staying with the current experience, opportunity, or person, then let it go. You aren’t quitting; you are making a decision to let something go that isn’t for your best, and that’s very different energy. 

I can tell you from experience that when you are able to do this, you’ll be amazed at how much stress and worry releases from you. You’ll feel alive and unburdened, and that’s pretty great. 

Best of all, when you use these 6 critical questions to help you make good decisions about your life and your time, you’ll avoid experiences you’ll later regret and have more energy for you and for all the positive experiences in your life.

Be awesome: Pin and share these images!

Other things you might like:

Why It's Critical to Grieve When You’ve Lost Something You Love: 5 Important Steps to Letting Go to Stay Healthy and Whole

I knew it was coming. We needed it to happen. And yet, when it did, I felt overwhelmed with unexpected sadness, sobbing like a kid who just dropped her ice cream cone on the ground. 

What was the heartbreak?

We sold our beloved home of 10 years. (Hang with me here; I know that this is not the worst loss in the world, but it impacted me deeply.)

We moved over a year ago, both for a job relocation for my husband and because we desired a larger city and better opportunities for our little girl. It was a rational decision. It was the right decision. However, it meant leaving a home that held 10 years’ worth of laughter, tears, parties, holidays, and everything in-between. It was where we had years of happy times with our sweet Cairn terrier, and where we had to make the difficult decision to let him go when we ran out of options to heal him. It was where we dealt with the pain of four failed adoptions, and where got the call that we were matched with our day-old daughter. It was where we brought her home to the excitement of our neighbors and friends.

More than that, the home seemed almost destined to be ours; in fact, it seemed predestined to be ours. When I was a mere 5 years old, we were relocating from Cincinnati to Columbus, Ohio, and my parents were about to head out shopping for our new home. My mom stopped at the door and asked me, “Is there anything you’d like to have in our next home?” to which I responded, “I want a purple home!” 

Fast forward 30 years, and we bought this lavender home. 

It was, in many ways, my dream home. Architecturally, it looked like the homes I loved from family vacations in Charleston, South Carolina. We painted the fireplace a deep shade of raspberry and the bedroom an incredible, relaxing shade of celery green. It had high ceilings and custom drapes. I hand-painted the side porch to look like gorgeous Portuguese tiles. 

I loved this home. 

Moreover, due to my husband’s work, we’ve moved 16 times in 18 years of marriage, so this house, one we owned for 10 years, was the place that truly felt like home. We even rented it out for a year and a half for one of our relocations and happily came back to it as soon as we could. 

It was that place in the world that I felt safe and grounded, no matter what was going on in our lives. I was the place that, when I opened the door, I felt embraced. 

And now we’ve sold it to someone else, and I’m heartsick. 

In between wiping tears from my face, I realized that I needed to look at this as an opportunity for personal growth and awareness.

In fact, I realized that the experience itself was challenging me to do what I have told so many clients to do—to take the time to grieve, because when grief is stuck inside your body and unexpressed, it does pretty bad things on every level. 

And let me add here that you can also be grieving aspects of yourself that have been lost. Recently, so many women and men who are assault survivors have had long-boxed-up memories retriggered, and the anger and sadness of what happened and what they lost in the experience is resurfacing and overwhelming. If you’ve dealt with a trauma of any kind, you may feel like you lost part of yourself in the bargain—or, more to the point—that part of yourself was taken from you. This deserves and needs honoring and release as much as any other kind of loss.*

So, here goes; this is the exact plan of action I took to release the grief and look forward to connecting with even better in my life:

Step 1: Acknowledge the grief.

My first response to feeling so sad over this was, “You’re being ridiculous. You’ve sold a house. For a profit. Do you know how lucky you are? You don’t live in a war zone. You have a place to live. You have food. I mean, geez. How dumb. You are so freaking lucky—no, privileged—compared to so many. Just stop it already.” 

Just to be clear, this is a word-for-word transcript of me beating myself up. I tell you this to show that even those of us that work ALL THE TIME to have empowering self-talk occasionally give in to negative and berating thoughts. It’s human nature. However, it’s important to recognize this when it happens and stop it in its tracks, because if we don’t, we end up shoving our grief deep inside. At that point, it becomes a “ghost in the machine,” gunking up our emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical selves in a negative way. 

I stopped all that and took the time to say aloud, “I’m sad about this. It’s okay that I am sad about it. I loved this home, and I am sad about letting it go.” 

That alone allowed me to feel better, but I had more to do. 

Step 2: Grieve the loss. 

Once I said that aloud, the floodgates opened and I allowed myself to cry until I felt like I was done. 

That last part is important, because I see clients all the time who did not allow themselves to grieve (or had too much to do in the moment to be able to grieve), and I see the damage it does to every part of their lives. One woman couldn’t grieve when her husband died because his family decided to accuse her of murder (seriously), because he’d never told them he had cancer. Shortly after his death, she developed a condition where she didn’t have enough oxygen in her blood and her chest felt tight all the time. Another man lost his job, but didn’t think it was “manly” to grieve about it, resulting in chest pains with no medical cause. 

On and on it goes, from cardiovascular issues to respiratory issues to breast issues to depression, I’ve seen the ways that unexpressed grief shows up in the body; I knew I had to express it to clear it from my system. 

If you’ve got something you are grieving but haven’t expressed it, please take the time to do so. 

If it’s hard for you to do, one great way is to watch a sad movie and dedicate that time to allowing yourself to cry about your loss. This is especially helpful if you’ve locked that sadness down for a long time. By putting it outside of yourself in the form of film characters going through something sad, you can access that place inside yourself that needs a release. It’s a way of bypassing the conscious mind (which may want to keep the grief locked down) and tapping into the subconscious, where all those memories and sadness is held. 

Step 3: Take time to reflect on the situation and open to awareness

After crying, I gathered myself up and headed off to the local botanical gardens. For me, there is almost no place that is more therapeutic than somewhere out in nature, with lovely flowers popping out of the ground. It instantly centers me and reminds me of the cycle of life and of potential blossoming out of the unseen. 

As I wandered the gardens, breathing in the scent of spring flowers and the last of the citrus blossoms, a thought came to me, “Let it go. It’s okay. Let it go.” 

I realized that, with such tremendous change in the last couple of years, I had been holding on to that home as a safety blanket. My fear was that, if I let it go, I’d never have anything like that again. And, while we have a lovely home we are renting here, it doesn’t feel like home—it’s beige and gray and brown, and I am a bright colors kind of girl. 

But, when we grip on to anything out of fear, we can’t allow anything new (and maybe even better) to flow into our lives. In order to open to the possibility of better, we must let go and trust. 

In saying that, I realize how incredibly difficult that can be, especially if you’ve been through a great deal of loss or difficulty; needless to say, the desire to hold on to something that makes you feel steady is incredibly strong at those moments. Acknowledge that, too. It’s completely okay to feel the need to hold on; the key is to be aware and work on letting go and trusting. 

One thing that can help is to create a vision board of things you'd like to connect to in the coming months or years. It's easy to do; just go grab a bunch of magazines that speak to you and then look through them, cutting out images and words that feel inspirational or match things you'd like to have in your life. Arrange those images on a poster board or in a scrapbook in a way that feels creative and good to you. Then, look at those images each day, saying aloud: "I release anything I don't need in my life anymore to connect with these things that I desire. I am open to abundance/happiness/joy/whatever coming to me now." 

Make sure to connect with a happy memory before you do this; you want to connect the feeling of happiness with your vision board to help infuse your future vision with energy and faith that it can come in to being.

Step 4: Perform a ritual to honor your loss. 

When someone dies, we hold a memorial service or funeral as a way of honoring the life of the person as well as honoring the loss of those left behind. 

However, we don’t think to do this for other kinds of losses, although it can be just as healing and necessary. 

I recently worked with a woman who had never truly grieved the loss of her mother, mostly because she was so exhausted being her mom’s sole caretaker in her final years that she was worn out by it all. She also carried a deep sense of guilt, that somehow she had not done enough for her mother, or that somehow there was one more thing she could have tried that would have saved her mom’s life. She had carried this deep burden for so long that she was seriously depressed, extremely anxious, and couldn’t speak about anything she was feeling without falling to sobs, hardly getting words out. Worse, she was about to interview for a terrific job right across the street from the facility where her mom had died, and she was so overwhelmed by emotion at being back at that space that she worried that she would be unable to do the interview without sobbing incoherently. 

It was clear to me that there were a lot of unresolved feelings around her mom’s death, and she had been clinging to those feelings and experiences so deeply that she was unable to move forward. I suggested that she drive to the parking lot of the facility where her mom passed away and to sit in her car and allow herself to grieve fully. Then, I suggested that she find a way to honor her mom’s life and to place that either in the facility itself, or just outside. 

She decided that, because her mom loved Christmas, she’d buy a Christmas ornament and place it in one of the trees outside the facility. Once she did this, she was able to feel that she had honored her mom and was able to let go of that old moment in time, freeing her to move forward with memories of her mom that were empowering and good. She finally felt that it was okay for her to let go of the pain and move forward with her own life. Even better, she was able to interview for the job in a centered, powerful way. 

Do you still have deep feelings of loss over something or someone? Are you dealing with a loss now? If so, my advice to you is the same: Find a way to honor that thing or person in a funeral-like ritual. I’ve had clients who have buried pictures of things, animals, or people they loved, wrote down all their feelings in a letter which they burned, and even finally found the courage to spread a loved one’s ashes in a desired location. I recently told a Jewish client of mine to make sure that she used a Jewish funeral/memorial ritual to release her mom in a positive way. 

The ritual itself doesn’t matter; it just needs to be significant to you and it needs to feel like you are honoring the loss in a powerful way. It's a good idea to think about your spiritual beliefs or practices and try to incorporate something that honors the loss in alignment with those beliefs. When you do that, you will feel a deep sense of peace and release. 

For me, I’ve decided to write a letter to our old house, thanking it for being such a wonderful place for us to call home for 10 years. I’m going to fold that letter up and tuck it in a folder with pictures of happy times there, like a little time capsule of gratitude. I have a real sense of peace and happiness now that I've made this decision. You'll know that you've found the right way to honor the loss when you feel that way, too.

Step 5: Realize that the physical loss is a very real thing. 

I’ve been at funerals where someone, trying to offer comfort to a mourning loved one, says, “You know, you never really lose the ones you love.”

I get it. On a spiritual level, our loved ones are still connected to us. On an energetic level, all their particles are going out to be recycled into things in life, from other people to stars to whatever we can imagine. 

You can know that intellectually. You can believe all of that deeply. You can even have signs that your loved one is still connected to you. And you can still feel knee-bending loss at the physical person (or thing) no longer being within reach.

When it’s a person you’ve lost, you miss his or her hugs, the sound of his or her voice, the smell of perfume or cologne. You miss the way you felt when you were with them. 

For years after she died, I picked up the phone to call my grandma. After our dog died, I missed stroking his fur and feeling him tug excitedly at the end of his leash. 

Even for inanimate objects, our need to feel and sense them can be very real. In fact, over the time we’ve had the physical object in question, it’s created neural pathways in our brain that have mapped certain feelings and emotions to be associated with that place or interaction with that object. In the case of a house, you have a certain feeling associated with walking in to your bedroom or kitchen, and losing that physical connection (and the corresponding emotional response) can cause a deep sense of loss. 

Because of this, any physical loss is a real, tangible, and painful thing. It’s more than okay to acknowledge your grief at losing this; it’s absolutely necessary for your health. 

So, the next time someone tells you to just “get over” your loss of someone or something in your life, or ridicules you for the depth of sadness you feel at losing a familiar person, animal, or physical location, let it roll right off your shoulders. Let yourself grieve as you need to, and in so doing, honor your very human need to acknowledge the passing of one thing to the next in your life. Trust me, you'll be better for it in every way, and most especially, in your health and wellbeing.

*If you are feeling overwhelmed by any kind of loss, please consider setting up a coaching session with me. I can help. I will understand. I will honor your loss. I will help you heal.

Life-changing courses for you:

Grief often gets stuck in the body and shows up as pain and disease.

If you’d like to dive deeper in exactly how unresolved and unexpressed grief may be affecting your body, mind, and life, check out my course!

Find out more!

More inspiration for you:

What’s in a Cold Shoulder? The Mind-Body Message Behind Frigid Sensations and Pain

I’ve been doing this mind-body work for years, but the varied ways the body speaks about what’s off in the mind, body, and life never ceases to amaze me. 

Case in point: This past weekend was the first class of my Body Language Master Class, where I teach others to understand the messages the body is sending them in the form of pain, discomfort, lumps, bumps, and rashes. 

As we were going through the various ways that pain speaks to us, I mentioned that when you figure out the message the body is trying to convey with the pain, the pain usually ceases. It’s like the body is the smart kid in class going “Oh! Oh! OH! I know!!” while waving her hand wildly in the air, trying to get the teacher’s attention so she can give the answer. Once the child is allowed to speak, she’s satisfied that someone listened to her, and calms back down into her seat. Pain is the same; listen to what it has to say, and it will settle down. 

At that moment, one of the students asked what a cold feeling on the shoulder might mean. As usual, I asked several questions to be able to hone in on the issue: 

“What side is it on?”

She rubbed her left shoulder.

I nodded. “Okay, what’s it feel like exactly? Describe it to me.” 

“It’s like this frigid chilly feeling.” 

“And when did it start?”

“Oh….” she drifted in to her own thoughts. “It’s been there for years and years…maybe almost my whole life.”  

This particular woman was really “getting” what I’d been teaching about translating the body’s language into a message you can understand, so she said, “Could it be that I’ve given the cold shoulder to others? Or had the cold shoulder given to me?” 

I responded, “Yes, it likely is. And, because it’s on the left, it’s likely a long-standing pattern with woman in your life.” 

She said, “Yeah, that makes sense. But how do I know if it’s because of me giving the cold shoulder or being given the cold shoulder?”

I pointed out that if she felt it had the possibility that it was both, then it was likely a pattern of not having supportive, safe relationships with women in her life, perhaps since childhood. Because of that, it was probably her giving the cold shoulder in self-defense or spite so she wouldn’t be hurt, AND it was likely that she was still hurt over the cold shoulder being given to her. I suggested that the best course of action was for her to journal about when in her life she experienced both those aspects and try to get it out of her. Then, she needed to start shifting that patterns with affirming statements that would retrain her mind to believe she deserved and could attract better women to her life. 

With the issue seemingly being solved, we went on to other subjects. 

About 20 minutes later, the same woman asked, “Uh, okay - so, the cold sensation is gone, but now I have a dull ache in that shoulder.” 

“Okay,” I said, “Has it moved at all?” 

She nodded. “Yes. It’s now more toward the back and going up the side of the neck.” 

I cannot tell you how often I see this pattern. Once the primary issue is solved, the body raises it’s hand again, seemingly saying, “Uh! Not done yet! Please take another look at this!”

In this case, the cold shoulder converting to a dull ache told me that it was a very deep, long-standing issue for her, and that there was a significant component of heartache from these encounters. In short, she was still very emotionally hurt by these issues.

In addition, the pain moving more to the back of the shoulder and up the neck was significant. It told me that the issue is very much around her not saying things she felt she wanted to say in those situations, and that she felt like she was stabbed in the back or that hurtful things were said behind her back. 

See how that works? Fascinating stuff. 

We talked that out and now she’s working on listening further and shifting those patterns. We’ll see in the next class if she’s been successful. 

Are you dealing with shoulder pain? Or pain anywhere in your body?

Join my course, Body Language: Deciphering Your Body’s Clues so You Can Heal today!

I am honestly so proud of this course - I take you through EVERY possible thing you might be dealing with - from lumps to bumps to rashes to pain to aches to itches to anything else - and I show you exactly how to translate the message behind all of it, including where it’s shown up in your body and when, to be able to understand exactly what your body is telling you about what’s off in your mind, body, and life.

And then, I take you through my proprietary method for creating a healing action plan that shifts everything into health and wellness. In this course, you’ll also learn how to break negative patterns and how to shift from negative habits (and why you have them).

If you don’t love it, just ask for a refund in 30 days and I’m happy to give it to you.

Check it out! There’s a reason you ended up here - and maybe, just maybe - your body was trying to tell you that this will finally empower you.

You get immediate access to all lessons, meditations, resources, and live calls with me. There’s no risk, and I hope there is a huge benefit to you of empowering your mind, body, and life with a skill you can use for the rest of your life!

A Mind-Body Look at Shoulder and Neck Pain - Rosario's Story

“What does it mean when you have pain just like she described but on the other side of the body?” 

The question comes from a beautiful, silver-haired Latino woman who I will call Rosario. As she finishes asking the question she swallows hard, as if it took a great deal of effort to allow herself to ask it.

I’m in the midst of teaching my Body Language: Deciphering Your Body’s Clues so You Can Heal seminar at the High Tide Women’s Weekend on Amelia Island, Florida. There is a great group of women in there, and I have been doing some on-the-spot mind-body diagnosis. Rosario is sitting a few rows back, but she sticks out to me; I noticed that she wants to speak, but keeps crossing her arms over her belly and covering her throat with her hand. Having done this work for a while, I know that these body postures mean that she is afraid of voicing whatever the issue is - and particularly, that she is afraid of being judged. As the woman before had just asked about similar pain, I am glad that someone else’s issue has helped her feel comfortable enough to be able to ask for help for herself.

“So, you have aching pain that radiates from the right side of your neck down into your shoulder, going all the way to the socket?” I ask, smiling to help her feel at ease.

“Yes, exactly.” Rosario agrees and touches her throat again.

“What does the pain feel like?” I ask, gently digging deeper so I can get to the key issue and help her heal.

“It’s an ache...” She says and then pauses, as if something else needs to be said.

“An ache...” I repeated slowly, giving her time to put voice to her thoughts.

Words begin to rush out of her. “And I had surgery on my neck, and ever since then my arm feels like it is pins and needles and it has tremors. My doctor looked at it and said it has nothing to do with the surgery. Oh - and when it shakes, my finger sticks out, too!” She holds her hand out, points her pointer finger, and demonstrates.

People in the audience start to giggle a bit - not because of Rosario’s distress, but because she is literally wagging a finger at everyone, much like we have all done something wrong and are being scolded.

I laugh and look around at the smiling group. “You know, sometimes these things are really literal. Anyone want to tell me what might be going on here?”

Answers come from around the room: “She wants to tell someone something!” “She needs to tell someone off!” ”She’s got to give someone a piece of her mind!”

Rosario starts to laugh. She looks more relaxed than I have seen her up to this point.

“Yeah, you don’t really need me to interpret that one.” I laugh and redirect my focus back to Rosario. “Okay, well, you are feeling emotional fear over something in your life relating to a man. I feel like you have solutions that you are aware of that you cannot or are not speaking; that is where all the pain in the neck is coming from. This is a great burden for you, which is why your shoulder is in pain as well. And aching, well, that means that it is heart-breaking for you. Now, I don’t want to dig too deep in front of everyone here - but does that make sense for you?” Tears  come to Rosario’s eyes and she nods. 

I smile at her and move on to conduct up a few more on-the-spot diagnosis and give some more training on how the participants could start to diagnose themselves. The moment that we finished, Rosario made a bee-line for me. “Would you have a moment to talk?” She asks quietly. 

“Absolutely.” I smile at her and walk outside, where Rosario begins to tell me the story behind her pain. As a child in Cuba, she had been part of a wealthy family until the Cuban revolution, when her father was put in prison and her mother had to run for her life. Out of love for her, her parents had put her on a boat to America, where she was suddenly a very poor child with no family. Understandably, this made her feel very unsafe.

As an adult, she met and married her husband who is 15 years older than her. She adores him - he is her stability - but she has noticed over the last couple of years that he is starting to look older and older, and she is worried about losing him - losing her soulmate and her stability. She has become more and more concerned about him because he doesn’t do anything to take care of himself. 

“I am so afraid of losing him.” Rosario finishes with tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Have you talked to him about your concerns?” I ask gently. My heart aches for her, because, being truly in love with my husband, I can understand her fear of losing him all too well.

“No, I haven’t - I have never been able to communicate well, and he doesn’t like to talk about emotional things.” She wipes a tear from her cheek.

Now knowing for certain that this is where her pain is coming from, she and I talk about how important it is for her to tell her husband how afraid she is about losing him, and how much she needs him to start taking care of himself so that she can have him around for as long as possible. I suggest she write a letter to him explaining it all, and then give that letter to him at a time where he would be able to be relaxed, read it, and process it. 

Rosario looks at me and smiled. “You know, I think that is just what I need to do! This is the first time I haven’t been in pain in weeks!” 

We hug and I ask her to keep me apprised of how it works out. She walks away smiling.

Rosario’s example is a perfect story of how much pain emotional and mental issues can cause us - and how much holding in our pain results in disease and physical issues. As I always say, if you don’t confront an issue, your body will. 

So, do you have shoulder pain? Ask yourself what is emotionally burdening you now. 

Is there neck pain involved as well? Ask yourself what you need to be saying. The answer might be surprising to you!

You know, this is why I love my work - I get to make a difference in people’s lives and help them to take back control over their minds and bodies every single day.