Why It's Critical to Grieve When You’ve Lost Something You Love: 5 Important Steps to Letting Go to Stay Healthy and Whole

I knew it was coming. We needed it to happen. And yet, when it did, I felt overwhelmed with unexpected sadness, sobbing like a kid who just dropped her ice cream cone on the ground. 

What was the heartbreak?

We sold our beloved home of 10 years. (Hang with me here; I know that this is not the worst loss in the world, but it impacted me deeply.)

We moved over a year ago, both for a job relocation for my husband and because we desired a larger city and better opportunities for our little girl. It was a rational decision. It was the right decision. However, it meant leaving a home that held 10 years’ worth of laughter, tears, parties, holidays, and everything in-between. It was where we had years of happy times with our sweet Cairn terrier, and where we had to make the difficult decision to let him go when we ran out of options to heal him. It was where we dealt with the pain of four failed adoptions, and where got the call that we were matched with our day-old daughter. It was where we brought her home to the excitement of our neighbors and friends.

More than that, the home seemed almost destined to be ours; in fact, it seemed predestined to be ours. When I was a mere 5 years old, we were relocating from Cincinnati to Columbus, Ohio, and my parents were about to head out shopping for our new home. My mom stopped at the door and asked me, “Is there anything you’d like to have in our next home?” to which I responded, “I want a purple home!” 

Fast forward 30 years, and we bought this lavender home. 

It was, in many ways, my dream home. Architecturally, it looked like the homes I loved from family vacations in Charleston, South Carolina. We painted the fireplace a deep shade of raspberry and the bedroom an incredible, relaxing shade of celery green. It had high ceilings and custom drapes. I hand-painted the side porch to look like gorgeous Portuguese tiles. 

I loved this home. 

Moreover, due to my husband’s work, we’ve moved 16 times in 18 years of marriage, so this house, one we owned for 10 years, was the place that truly felt like home. We even rented it out for a year and a half for one of our relocations and happily came back to it as soon as we could. 

It was that place in the world that I felt safe and grounded, no matter what was going on in our lives. I was the place that, when I opened the door, I felt embraced. 

And now we’ve sold it to someone else, and I’m heartsick. 

In between wiping tears from my face, I realized that I needed to look at this as an opportunity for personal growth and awareness.

In fact, I realized that the experience itself was challenging me to do what I have told so many clients to do—to take the time to grieve, because when grief is stuck inside your body and unexpressed, it does pretty bad things on every level. 

And let me add here that you can also be grieving aspects of yourself that have been lost. Recently, so many women and men who are assault survivors have had long-boxed-up memories retriggered, and the anger and sadness of what happened and what they lost in the experience is resurfacing and overwhelming. If you’ve dealt with a trauma of any kind, you may feel like you lost part of yourself in the bargain—or, more to the point—that part of yourself was taken from you. This deserves and needs honoring and release as much as any other kind of loss.*

So, here goes; this is the exact plan of action I took to release the grief and look forward to connecting with even better in my life:

Step 1: Acknowledge the grief.

My first response to feeling so sad over this was, “You’re being ridiculous. You’ve sold a house. For a profit. Do you know how lucky you are? You don’t live in a war zone. You have a place to live. You have food. I mean, geez. How dumb. You are so freaking lucky—no, privileged—compared to so many. Just stop it already.” 

Just to be clear, this is a word-for-word transcript of me beating myself up. I tell you this to show that even those of us that work ALL THE TIME to have empowering self-talk occasionally give in to negative and berating thoughts. It’s human nature. However, it’s important to recognize this when it happens and stop it in its tracks, because if we don’t, we end up shoving our grief deep inside. At that point, it becomes a “ghost in the machine,” gunking up our emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical selves in a negative way. 

I stopped all that and took the time to say aloud, “I’m sad about this. It’s okay that I am sad about it. I loved this home, and I am sad about letting it go.” 

That alone allowed me to feel better, but I had more to do. 

Step 2: Grieve the loss. 

Once I said that aloud, the floodgates opened and I allowed myself to cry until I felt like I was done. 

That last part is important, because I see clients all the time who did not allow themselves to grieve (or had too much to do in the moment to be able to grieve), and I see the damage it does to every part of their lives. One woman couldn’t grieve when her husband died because his family decided to accuse her of murder (seriously), because he’d never told them he had cancer. Shortly after his death, she developed a condition where she didn’t have enough oxygen in her blood and her chest felt tight all the time. Another man lost his job, but didn’t think it was “manly” to grieve about it, resulting in chest pains with no medical cause. 

On and on it goes, from cardiovascular issues to respiratory issues to breast issues to depression, I’ve seen the ways that unexpressed grief shows up in the body; I knew I had to express it to clear it from my system. 

If you’ve got something you are grieving but haven’t expressed it, please take the time to do so. 

If it’s hard for you to do, one great way is to watch a sad movie and dedicate that time to allowing yourself to cry about your loss. This is especially helpful if you’ve locked that sadness down for a long time. By putting it outside of yourself in the form of film characters going through something sad, you can access that place inside yourself that needs a release. It’s a way of bypassing the conscious mind (which may want to keep the grief locked down) and tapping into the subconscious, where all those memories and sadness is held. 

Step 3: Take time to reflect on the situation and open to awareness

After crying, I gathered myself up and headed off to the local botanical gardens. For me, there is almost no place that is more therapeutic than somewhere out in nature, with lovely flowers popping out of the ground. It instantly centers me and reminds me of the cycle of life and of potential blossoming out of the unseen. 

As I wandered the gardens, breathing in the scent of spring flowers and the last of the citrus blossoms, a thought came to me, “Let it go. It’s okay. Let it go.” 

I realized that, with such tremendous change in the last couple of years, I had been holding on to that home as a safety blanket. My fear was that, if I let it go, I’d never have anything like that again. And, while we have a lovely home we are renting here, it doesn’t feel like home—it’s beige and gray and brown, and I am a bright colors kind of girl. 

But, when we grip on to anything out of fear, we can’t allow anything new (and maybe even better) to flow into our lives. In order to open to the possibility of better, we must let go and trust. 

In saying that, I realize how incredibly difficult that can be, especially if you’ve been through a great deal of loss or difficulty; needless to say, the desire to hold on to something that makes you feel steady is incredibly strong at those moments. Acknowledge that, too. It’s completely okay to feel the need to hold on; the key is to be aware and work on letting go and trusting. 

One thing that can help is to create a vision board of things you'd like to connect to in the coming months or years. It's easy to do; just go grab a bunch of magazines that speak to you and then look through them, cutting out images and words that feel inspirational or match things you'd like to have in your life. Arrange those images on a poster board or in a scrapbook in a way that feels creative and good to you. Then, look at those images each day, saying aloud: "I release anything I don't need in my life anymore to connect with these things that I desire. I am open to abundance/happiness/joy/whatever coming to me now." 

Make sure to connect with a happy memory before you do this; you want to connect the feeling of happiness with your vision board to help infuse your future vision with energy and faith that it can come in to being.

Step 4: Perform a ritual to honor your loss. 

When someone dies, we hold a memorial service or funeral as a way of honoring the life of the person as well as honoring the loss of those left behind. 

However, we don’t think to do this for other kinds of losses, although it can be just as healing and necessary. 

I recently worked with a woman who had never truly grieved the loss of her mother, mostly because she was so exhausted being her mom’s sole caretaker in her final years that she was worn out by it all. She also carried a deep sense of guilt, that somehow she had not done enough for her mother, or that somehow there was one more thing she could have tried that would have saved her mom’s life. She had carried this deep burden for so long that she was seriously depressed, extremely anxious, and couldn’t speak about anything she was feeling without falling to sobs, hardly getting words out. Worse, she was about to interview for a terrific job right across the street from the facility where her mom had died, and she was so overwhelmed by emotion at being back at that space that she worried that she would be unable to do the interview without sobbing incoherently. 

It was clear to me that there were a lot of unresolved feelings around her mom’s death, and she had been clinging to those feelings and experiences so deeply that she was unable to move forward. I suggested that she drive to the parking lot of the facility where her mom passed away and to sit in her car and allow herself to grieve fully. Then, I suggested that she find a way to honor her mom’s life and to place that either in the facility itself, or just outside. 

She decided that, because her mom loved Christmas, she’d buy a Christmas ornament and place it in one of the trees outside the facility. Once she did this, she was able to feel that she had honored her mom and was able to let go of that old moment in time, freeing her to move forward with memories of her mom that were empowering and good. She finally felt that it was okay for her to let go of the pain and move forward with her own life. Even better, she was able to interview for the job in a centered, powerful way. 

Do you still have deep feelings of loss over something or someone? Are you dealing with a loss now? If so, my advice to you is the same: Find a way to honor that thing or person in a funeral-like ritual. I’ve had clients who have buried pictures of things, animals, or people they loved, wrote down all their feelings in a letter which they burned, and even finally found the courage to spread a loved one’s ashes in a desired location. I recently told a Jewish client of mine to make sure that she used a Jewish funeral/memorial ritual to release her mom in a positive way. 

The ritual itself doesn’t matter; it just needs to be significant to you and it needs to feel like you are honoring the loss in a powerful way. It's a good idea to think about your spiritual beliefs or practices and try to incorporate something that honors the loss in alignment with those beliefs. When you do that, you will feel a deep sense of peace and release. 

For me, I’ve decided to write a letter to our old house, thanking it for being such a wonderful place for us to call home for 10 years. I’m going to fold that letter up and tuck it in a folder with pictures of happy times there, like a little time capsule of gratitude. I have a real sense of peace and happiness now that I've made this decision. You'll know that you've found the right way to honor the loss when you feel that way, too.

Step 5: Realize that the physical loss is a very real thing. 

I’ve been at funerals where someone, trying to offer comfort to a mourning loved one, says, “You know, you never really lose the ones you love.”

I get it. On a spiritual level, our loved ones are still connected to us. On an energetic level, all their particles are going out to be recycled into things in life, from other people to stars to whatever we can imagine. 

You can know that intellectually. You can believe all of that deeply. You can even have signs that your loved one is still connected to you. And you can still feel knee-bending loss at the physical person (or thing) no longer being within reach.

When it’s a person you’ve lost, you miss his or her hugs, the sound of his or her voice, the smell of perfume or cologne. You miss the way you felt when you were with them. 

For years after she died, I picked up the phone to call my grandma. After our dog died, I missed stroking his fur and feeling him tug excitedly at the end of his leash. 

Even for inanimate objects, our need to feel and sense them can be very real. In fact, over the time we’ve had the physical object in question, it’s created neural pathways in our brain that have mapped certain feelings and emotions to be associated with that place or interaction with that object. In the case of a house, you have a certain feeling associated with walking in to your bedroom or kitchen, and losing that physical connection (and the corresponding emotional response) can cause a deep sense of loss. 

Because of this, any physical loss is a real, tangible, and painful thing. It’s more than okay to acknowledge your grief at losing this; it’s absolutely necessary for your health. 

So, the next time someone tells you to just “get over” your loss of someone or something in your life, or ridicules you for the depth of sadness you feel at losing a familiar person, animal, or physical location, let it roll right off your shoulders. Let yourself grieve as you need to, and in so doing, honor your very human need to acknowledge the passing of one thing to the next in your life. Trust me, you'll be better for it in every way, and most especially, in your health and wellbeing.

*If you are feeling overwhelmed by any kind of loss, please consider setting up a coaching session with me. I can help. I will understand. I will honor your loss. I will help you heal.

Life-changing courses for you:

Grief often gets stuck in the body and shows up as pain and disease.

If you’d like to dive deeper in exactly how unresolved and unexpressed grief may be affecting your body, mind, and life, check out my course!

Find out more!

More inspiration for you:

The Life Shift Crisis: When is a Breakdown Really a Breakthrough?

“I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I don’t feel like doing anything; I just want to be alone.”

“Nothing seems right about my life right now. My family, friends, and work just don’t seem to fit me anymore.”

“My emotions are all over the place; one day I feel like crying, the next I am totally numb.”

Do any of these statements sound like you? Are you in the process of a major mind, body, or life change? If so, you may be going through the “dark night of the soul.” The good news is that it’s actually a sign that you are on the right track. 

Making a major life change tunes you into a higher, much more aware way of living. While this is for your best, the adjustment to this higher level means that your current beliefs, identity, groups, work, and relationships no longer fit the person that you now know yourself to be. Everything that you know as your life and your comfort zone becomes challenged. You may deal with discomfort, depression, and maybe even a true spiritual crisis, often described as a “dark night of the soul.”  

While this process can feel uncomfortable, it is often a strong indication that you are shifting to become truly powerful and in tune with most positive aspects of life. 

I went through just such a spiritual crisis in the process of rearranging my life to do my heart’s work and live my life purpose. Let me tell you, it is not necessarily a pleasant experience. I didn’t feel like getting up in the morning. I knew that my own mission in life was “to help others and heal their pain,” and I felt a deep calling to do so, but I did not know how best to express myself in the world. I felt so irritated by everything that I had once seen as comfortable that I wanted to just hide myself away from everyone and everything. Nothing seemed to fit me anymore; the things that I used to enjoy were now completely unfulfilling. 

As you begin your journey to your most authentic, happy, and healthy self, you may find yourself going through your own “dark night of the soul.” Caught up in this transition, you may begin wondering if you will ever find your way. You may feel abandoned by life, as everything that you trust and know seems to shake up or disappear all together. You may feel shocked that you are not able to accept the same behavior from others that you once considered normal. 

Perhaps most difficult, you may feel conflicted about moving forward with your plans to better yourself and your life. Part of you may feel excited, because something within you is ready to move forward. After all, your spirit has wanted you to be your truest, most fulfilled self all along. However, another part of you may rebel, perhaps due to a long-standing resistance to change. Worrying thoughts may creep up, such as, “What will I have to leave behind? What if I am crazy? What if I do this and totally mess up my life?” Worse yet, these feelings may be amplified by other people in your life, especially those who have some interest in keeping you as you are today. Of course, this outside reinforcement of your innate fear will only amplify it. 

When this happens (or if it is happening now), take a deep breath. Remember that you are never lost, and you are never abandoned by life or a higher power (however you define such a force)—you are one with the potential of the entire universe. Whether you know it or not, you are being guided forward on a path that is right for you. This is especially true when you have made the courageous decision to change your life.

If you feel lost, unsure, or overwhelmed, go to the life purpose pages and find your true calling. Then, choose to connect with the positive emotions that you feel when you know who you are and why you are here. While connected to these emotions, ask yourself: “Do I want to choose fear and cling to a life that doesn’t suit me anymore? Or do I want to move forward with faith and connect to a fulfilling life where I make a real contribution to the world?”  

The choice becomes very clear. 

Trust your calling and your connection to all that is and move forward, bravely choosing to make choices and create a life that is in tune with your highest callings and deepest dreams. Take time each day to connect with the oneness of the universe through prayer, meditation, or simply sitting in nature. Feel the truth that you always fit into all that is, and that there is a plan at work that is bringing you positive new experiences in alignment with your conscious transformation. Allow yourself to reconnect with your inner sense of purpose, be grateful for your creative power, and trust that you will have all that you need provided for you.

When you have the faith in yourself to change your life for the better, you resonate with the power of love of self and of others. The most noble thing that you can do is to use your unique energy and talents in a way that betters the world for all of us. Not only will you be emotionally fulfilled (no matter what anyone thinks of your decisions), you will make a difference in the lives of all you meet. 

The Flow Method Questions for Introspection: 

1. Do you feel full-body tired or depressed? Do you feel disconnected from everything around you? Can you see where a shift in your beliefs may have caused this change in your life? Do the people and things of your old life fit who you truly are? If not, know that while these experiences no longer fit you, you will bring others into your life that match your new way of being exactly. 

Retuning Statement/Affirmation: “I am always connected to everyone and everything. I trust that I am moving forward into a better life for myself.” Use this statement throughout the day, especially when you are feeling unsure or overwhelmed, to begin retuning your mind, body, and spirit into a new reality. 

2.  Do others in your life put forth fear or judgment about the life that you need to lead in order to be healthy, happy, and empowered? Do you feel shaky or depressed when being around these people?  

If this is an issue for you, limit your exposure to these people. When you are around them, focus on your breath. While breathing in and out slowly, mentally repeat, “I trust myself. I have the right to live an empowered, joyful life.”

Self-Love: How Changing Negative Self-Talk Helps You Succeed (and Heal)

“I just never feel that I am good enough.” 

“I feel like a failure.”

“I hate myself.”

“I don’t ever stand up for myself.”

“I have made so many mistakes.”

“I will never be able to be better than I am today.”

Do you relate to these statements? If so, you aren’t alone. In my work helping people to break negative patterns and achieve their goals, I would say 90% of my clients have uttered something along these lines. Worse, low self-esteem is at the heart of many, many of the issues they have, whether they are dealing with negative life experiences or have difficult health issues, such as ulcers, kidney stones, or gaining weight in the stomach.  

While feelings of low self-worth are enormously prevalent, the truth is that most of us hide it fairly well. Sure, there will be times when these kinds of thoughts will actually be voiced to someone else, but more often than not, you injure yourself in private, only allowing the inner bully to beat you up in your mind. Unfortunately, a lot of harm is done this way. After all, the more that you put yourself down, the more you believe it. The more you believe it, the more you will continue to attract self-defeating and self-sabotaging experiences. 

First, to find out how much of a habit negative self-talk is, I would like you to look into a mirror (or just think about looking into a mirror). What are the first thoughts that come to your mind? Are they loving thoughts? Or do you begin to nitpick at yourself, thinking about how you look awful, have wrinkles, are too fat, or whatever other horrible things you might say to yourself?

If you are like so many I have worked with, I am guessing the negative voices overtake the positive ones every time. 

Now ask yourself, “What experiences am I avoiding because I don’t feel good enough?” “How am I holding myself back in life?” “What relationships in my life reinforce my negative feelings about myself?”

And finally, “How would my life be different if I felt really, really good about myself?”

The answer to these questions will show you how important it is to develop a healthy sense of self-worth, as the life you live now is likely quite different from the one you would be living if you felt truly confident.

The good news is that helping people to build their self-confidence in order to go after the life of their dreams is a passion of mine! On this site, you will find a treasure chest of effective resources, exercises, and articles that will help you to build true confidence and feel like a new, improved, more self-assured version of yourself.

All of these resources will help you to feel more confident in all areas of your life, however, you must take the time to actually do the exercises and questions. After all, you likely have held negative beliefs about yourself for most of your life, so it does take time and work to get rid of them.

However, the small amount of work that this involves pays a big payout: You will feel more confident, attract better relationships, feel safer in any situation, be healthier and happier, and be able to truly go after the life of your dreams without reservation. 

Sounds good? Alright, then don’t waste anymore time feeling like you are less than you are. Get going on becoming the confident, empowered person you were meant to be!

Do you know someone that would benefit from reading this article? Please share the love and share it...much gratitude to you for doing so!! 

Tara's Questions for Positive Change: 

1. What are the most negative things you say about yourself? Can you remember when you began to feel that way? Did someone in your life use those words to criticize you? 
2. In what ways are you holding yourself back because you don’t feel good enough? 
3. Have you had relationships where you were emotionally, physically, or verbally abused? How did this experience change your feelings about yourself? Please note: If you are in an abusive relationship now, please see our “crisis center” for links to resources to help you to leave the situation. Also, please feel free to ask to be connected to a therapist or other clinician to assist you. Remember, you are not alone. You can find help - just ask.
4. How would your life be different right now if you felt really, really good about yourself? Write down this vision of your empowered life. Keep this vision with you (in a private location) and read it daily as inspiration to continue doing the work to build your self-confidence.

Loving Yourself: 3 Ways to Love Your Flaws and Take On the World

You wake up in the morning, stumble out of bed, and go to the bathroom. Wiping the sleep from your eyes, you look in the mirror. “My God! I am gorgeous!” you say to yourself. “Wow! I’m practically a movie star!”  

Doesn’t happen this way, you say? Don’t worry, you aren’t alone. 

While I am being somewhat silly about the positive feelings you should have toward yourself, I am completely serious about learning to love the body you are in. Sure, you may want to change some aspects of yourself, but you can decide to love them even while you are changing them. 

In fact, I wouldn’t just say that you can decide to love them, but that you need to.

By loving what you are at the moment, you begin a process of holistic change. You send out a more positive energy to all around you, which allows you to attract better people to your life. You gain confidence in yourself, which allows you to accomplish more and to stand up for yourself when you should. 

In effect, loving yourself as you are at the moment is the key to changing yourself into all that you dream to be. 

If you find that difficult - or practically impossible - to imagine, try these simple exercises to begin flexing that “self-love” muscle:

1. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say, “I love you.” 

Now, this does seem easy, but it can be a horribly difficult task for some. Go easy on yourself. If, as you try this, you feel like running away or breaking the mirror, take a deep breath. Walk away from the mirror. Calm yourself for a moment. Come back. Look in your eyes again, and try, “I am okay with myself.” Once you are okay with being okay, try moving to, “I like myself.” Work on that for a bit. Finally, move to “I love myself.” 

2. Change negative self-talk to positive self-talk.

Focus on how you talk about yourself throughout the day. Do you comment on your “love handles” or joke about your “batwings?” How often do you put yourself down during the day?  

Don’t finish a negative or self-deprecating comment. Instead, stop yourself and change the comment to a positive one - or, at the very least, a neutral one. 

Bringing your awareness to the hate you direct at yourself is a critical (and often surprising) step in developing self-love and a positive body image.

3. Dress in a way that makes you feel good.

Do you find yourself stuck in a rut of dressing in yoga pants or sweatshirts? Has it been a long time since you put any care into how you look?  

If so, you are only reinforcing a negative feeling about yourself. By changing the way you dress and taking some time to look good, you will begin to take more pride in yourself. 

It’s just about an instant cure to a negative body image.

Find clothes that make you feel good. Iron that shirt you love or put on those terrific heels - even if you don’t have anywhere particularly important to go. Take a few minutes to dab on cologne, put on make up, or do your hair. 

It is amazing how much better you will begin to feel, and even more importantly, when you take care of yourself, you send a signal out that you are worthy of even better from life. This begins a cycle that allows you to develop a better sense of self.

Who knew that clothes had such power? 

Go out and love yourself today. You are one of a kind!