Ask Tara: How Do You Stay so Positive? And Do I Have to Always Be Positive?

In this week’s video, I answer a great question from Anna from Vermont. She asks, “How do you always stay so positive?”

My answer might surprise you!

Guess What? You Don't Need to Be Perfect to Be Worthy (Really)

Are you a perfectionist? 

A lot of us are (including me), and that’s not a good thing. 

When you hold yourself up to a perfect ideal, you are telling life that you do not deserve love, respect, or any other good thing unless you meet that ideal. Of course, it is impossible to be perfect, so you end up feeling like a failure because you never get what you want. 

Perfectionism is also at the root of most addiction. Anorexics think that they will be lovable if they are thin. Alcoholics and drug addicts fear that they will never be as perfect as they think they need to be, so they drown this hurt and pain in the bottle or with pills—at least this way, they can have a reason why they are not living up to the ideal. Workaholics are always striving to prove themselves worthy of their jobs, love, and the respect of others by working themselves into the ground. Overeaters are often so frustrated at feeling that they will never measure up to the ideal body that they just eat—this way, they have control over how they failed. Plastic surgery addicts are chasing their individual belief of the perfect body, believing that attaining it will earn them love and approval.

Perfectionism is a nasty thing, because it never allows you to be good enough, lovable enough, or just enough. A perfectionist could do an absolutely perfect job, but they will only see the little flaws that no one would ever notice. Happiness is elusive for a perfectionist, because there is always something more that can be done to make their work, life, or body better.

This way of life will literally eat you alive. It is self-hatred, plain and simple. To live up to some fictionalized ideal, you will restrict eating, exercise excessively, and work until you have pushed way beyond your limits. You will beat yourself up for every single slight, mistake, or imperfection, and make yourself sick with worry that someone will find out that you are not as great as everyone thinks that you are. By making the ideal more important than you and your heath, your body will get the message that you do not really care about yourself, often resulting in disorders such as chronic fatigue and mononucleosis. 

Stop abusing yourself! It’s time to start taking care of yourself and learn to accept yourself as you are now. Understand that no matter what messages you have received on what makes someone perfect, none of it is true. There is no ideal, and there is no perfect person. You are perfect as you are right now. 

Choose to connect with your inner beauty and truly love yourself for being you. Choose to be authentic to yourself, your instincts, and your needs. When you make a little mistake, take a deep breath and say “So what?” Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. 

Instead of seeing your “flaws,” realize that these very flaws are what make you unique and desirable. After all, Cindy Crawford could have seen the mole on her lip as a flaw, but it became a real asset for her career and a very desirable beauty mark. Jennifer Lopez could have listened to mainstream media and believed that her backside as too big, but instead it is a real strength for her and her career. Beyond just celebrities, look around at all of those that you admire; notice how their uniqueness is actually a true benefit to be loved and admired.

You are just as beautiful. Feel it in your spirit. Accept it in your soul.  

The Flow Method Questions and Actions: 

1. If you are a perfectionist, why do you feel that you need to be perfect? Are you afraid of not measuring up? Not being loveable? Not being accepted? Were you raised in a family where every little slight, action, or word was analyzed and blown up to massive proportions? Do you still fear that one word or phrase will cause a catastrophic response?

2. How often do you push yourself beyond your limits to chase an ideal? Where did the ideal come from? Can you make yourself worthy of taking care of yourself? Try using the affirmation, “I love myself. I am good enough in every way. I am perfect just as I am.”

Would this article help others in your life? I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with them - and I bet they would be, too! Much love and gratitude!

3 Ways to Know that You Are (Finally) Ready to Make a Change

Every person has had that moment where they have decided that they just cannot put up with a situation anymore and must make a change. However, getting to that point - or finally knowing that you are ready - can be challenging. How do you know that you are ready for change? These three signs will tell you:

1. You get angry at things you used to just put up with.

Day after day, you slog along in a job you hate, dealing with a boss you despise, and working with co-workers that drive you crazy. You put up with it, telling yourself that you need the job, that it’s not that bad, that it doesn’t actually crush your soul. One day, your boss sends you yet another request for the same information you have provided 10 times before. She’s done this hundreds of times, and hundreds of times, you have begrudgingly given her what she’s asked for. This time, you can’t stand it anymore and write a furious e-mail giving her a piece of your mind.  

Not only is this possibly a career-ending move, it also lets you know that you are finally ready to make a change. While many people see anger as a negative emotion, it is often the indicator that you are finally sick of putting up with your current situation you or relationship and are ready to move on. 

For me, I can distinctly remember the moment that I knew I had to end an engagement. My fiance was yelling about God-knows-what yet again, and I was raising my voice to yell back, “Shut UP!” It dawned on me that I don’t believe in resolving conflict by yelling, yet here I was, yelling to be heard. Right then and there, I knew I needed to make a change.

Going forward today, check in with yourself. Which long-standing situations in your life are finally making you angry? What about situations that have caused anger for a long time? Make note of these, and know that you are ready to make different choices. 

2. Instead of dreaming about a new life, you begin planning for it. 

I cannot tell you how many people I work with that tell me their life dreams and then qualify them, saying things like, “I have been dreaming of this my whole life.” or “I have always wanted to do this.” Of course, right after that usually comes, “But...”

Dreaming is a wonderful and definitely necessary part of moving forward authentically in life, but too many people get stuck there. Dreams without actions just don’t come true. 

Have you begun reading books about how to do the things you dream of? Have you signed up for classes or other experiences that would assist you on your path? Have you begun creating a list of things that you need in order to be successful? Then you have taken critical steps forward. You are ready to move from dreaming to acting.

If you are at this point, you will also notice a critical shift in the way you speak about your dreams. Instead of saying, “I need to,” “I’d like to,” or “I wish I could,” you will begin saying, “I have to,” “I am ready to,” or “I am.” Notice that one set of words are “dream” or “future” words, while the others are “action” or “immediate” words. 

When you finally shift from imagining yourself in a new life to actually planning for how you can make that dream happen and speaking about those actions in the present, you know you are ready to move forward.

3. The perceived pain of making a change seems far less than the pain of staying where you are.

For many people, the pain of leaving a bad relationship or job is so intense that they just stay for years. After all, they might be miserable, but it’s better to “deal with the devil you know.” right? 

For some, I suppose it is. However, there will come a time when you literally cannot take the situation you are in anymore. Perhaps you notice that you have aches and pains, or get sick more often or more seriously than you used to. Maybe you are completely drained of energy after being on the job or with the person in question, and do not have energy to do things you love to do.

It’s at that point that the scales have swung in favor of making a change. While every major life change comes with its challenges, when the pain and exhaustion of the situation you are in has become overwhelming, you are at the critical point. If you have said to yourself, “I have to end this,” “I cannot take it anymore,” or “I am over this,” you are ready to make a change. 

Take inventory of situations in your life that are draining you or making you sick. How much more do you think you can put up with? Have you hit that critical tipping point where making a change is more appealing than putting up with more of the same? If you are at the end of your rope and feel that change is more positive than staying stuck, you are ready to make a shift!

Are you in a situation now that you need to get out of? What is the situation? Do you think you are ready to change?

Breaking Negative Patterns: Why It’s So Freaking Hard

“I just can't break this habit.”

“I said I would never get myself into a relationship like this again, but here I am!”

“I try and try to do something different, but I just can’t stick with it.”

“I’ve been doing so great on my diet, why did I need to eat a donut at 3pm today?”

If you have ever tried to break a negative pattern, you may have said many of these same things. From attracting the same kind of negative relationships over and over to trying to quit smoking, breaking negative patterns can seem almost impossible to do. Worse, once you go back to your old ways yet again, you may feel like you are a hopeless case with no willpower.

The good news is that you are not hopeless and it isn’t because you lack willpower.

Rather, most negative patterns are simply because of a preprogrammed response in your mind that reacts to an outside trigger, causing you to repeat the same action again and again. 

Blame it on your remote control. (Your mental one, anyway.) 

It’s a lot like setting a favorite TV station on your remote control. Let’s say you love the Discovery Channel, so you decide to set that station as the first button in your favorites. What’s going to happen if you push that first button again? Obviously, you will tune right into the Discovery Channel.

Now, let’s say you decide you'd like to watch the History Channel, but you push the first button again. What’s going to happen?

Not too hard of a question, right? You'll tune into the Discovery Channel.

Would you scream, cry, and give up because you didn’t tune into the History Channel? Not likely. What you'd be more likely do is look down and realize you pushed the wrong button for the desired result (to tune into the History Channel).

Yeah, that's all well and good with a TV remote, but...

Obviously, this is simple to figure out when it's a remote control, but it isn’t so obvious when you say you want to change but keep tuning into the same old patterns. Just like pushing the favorite button on your remote, when a specific “trigger” outside of you occurs, your “internal TV” wants to tune you into the same old program - in this case, an old habit, experience, or pattern. When the same thing happens again—even when you consciously have tried to break the pattern—you may find yourself frustrated, sad, or hopeless.

However, just as you would have to reset your favorite button on your remote to tune into a different channel, until you retune that trigger (mental "favorites" button) to react a different way, you will not get a different outcome. 

The message? If you are repeating patterns in your life even when you are trying to change, give yourself a break. You are reacting from habit due to unconscious programming. Now that you know that, you can learn how to change the programming and succeed in breaking the negative pattern.

If you are ready to get to the underlying programming and finally retune your bad habits and negative patterns, grab your copy of my book, The Flow: 40 Days to Total Life Transformation!