Why Empaths Have Hyper-Responsibility Syndrome - and What to Do About it
Do you have hyper-responsibility syndrome (lots of empaths do!)?
Here’s what it is, how it drains your peace and power, and what to do about it!
Do you ever feel like you are responsible for everyone’s problems?
And beat yourself up that you cannot solve them?
Do you drop everything anytime someone is in need?
Do you feel like you are always on high alert, making sure you are the first one to sense any kind of problem - so that you can jump in and fix it?
If so, you’ve got what I call hyper-responsibility syndrome.
It’s common with empaths…but why?
As empaths, you already feel things others don’t
A change in energy in the room
A shift in emotion
Even other’s pain
Because of that, you are kind of like a canary in the coal mine - your empath senses allow you to be the first to know if something is off.
That’s actually great - from a biological perspective, the world needs people like us to warn when there is danger!
But from a life perspective, it’s not the greatest -
Because what happens is, consciously or not, people in our lives decide that they are going to use that super-sensing power we have and get us to fix their problems for them.
Or, if you were brought up in a toxic household, the super-sensing power of yours became a survival tactic -
Maybe you could sense when your dad was about to go on a rage, so you could get your younger siblings out of there…
Maybe you were the one that knew your mom was getting depressed again, and ran to her, trying to make her happy.
Maybe you sensed when your mom and dad were going to have a huge blow out, so you jumped in and tried to make the peace.
These are all very common experiences for any empath growing up in a difficult household.
What happened out of this?
You took on messaging that it was YOUR fault if you couldn’t avert issues in the house…
That it was your responsibility to make your mom happy or your dad calm - which is impossible! But everything in your hyper-sensitive body told you that you should do it.
As an adult, this negatively impacts your life in many ways:
You unconsciously pick toxic or difficult relationships with people you think you can fix.
You unconsciously take on more work than everyone else in your job.
You drop any of your own priorities anytime anyone says they need you or your help.
You end up carrying everyone else’s problems, trying to fix things that they will not.
You get taken advantage of, because manipulative people in your life make you believe that you “owe them.”
You stay on high alert all the time, never resting.
You lay awake at night pondering all the possible things that could go wrong and planning out what you will do in any of these scenarios.
So, how can you fix this?
Step 1: Consciously accept that you are not responsible for everyone and everything.
This was a HARD one for me…it’s truly only been the last few years since I finally was able to actually embody this truth into my being.
I learned from a young age that I should “make everyone better.” Of course, that’s completely impossible! But I had to try.
As I grew, I continued to be responsible for everyone else…even for things that I could not POSSIBLY be responsible for!
Here’s the thing:
You can know the right direction for someone.
You can want to help them.
You can given them your very best.
But you cannot make them change.
And you are not responsible if they don’t.
Here’s a mantra I started saying to myself over and over in order to finally believe this (you should, too!):
“I did not create this issue, and I cannot solve it. I can offer love and help, but I cannot fix this for them. I am not responsible for the outcome.”
Step 2: Identify where you are hyper-responsible.
Take out a journal and think about the people in your life.
With each one, ask yourself: Do I feel responsible for how they feel? Do I feel responsible for fixing them or fixing difficult circumstances for them? Do I often do everything to solve one of their problems, while they do nothing?
I had a client do this practice with her son. He was 40 years old, and she was still bailing him out financially, emotionally, and even physically. She kept telling me all the reasons why she had to keep doing this, despite the fact that it was draining her emotionally and financially, and it was putting an enormous strain on her relationship with her husband.
“But if I don’t do it, he won’t have anywhere to live! He will lose his son! He will be angry with me! He might stop talking to me!”
You can probably see where this is going, but here it is:
The son realized that he didn’t have to take any responsibility for himself or his life by simply manipulating his empath mom to keep saving him. Meanwhile, the son was using drugs (but they weren’t really his - honest!). And leaving his 8 year old son home alone (it was his girlfriend’s fault, not his!).
It went on and on.
She absolutely had the BEST of intentions, but her son was never, ever going to learn and take responsibility for himself if she kept running to his rescue.
Now, obviously this is very hard when it is someone you love - or when a child is involved. But I give you this example to show you what it looks like - and how well-meaning the empath is in the situation - but how no one is really getting saved here.
Take a look at your life; where do you have some of these kinds of relationships? Where could the person actually take personal responsibility and save themselves?
3. Make a commitment to say “no” for one week to any request from people you identified as a problem person for you.
This is going to be SUPER uncomfortable for you, but it will make a big difference - if you can stand it!
I have had to learn this one, and once I did, I was able to shift so many things. Did I lose a few relationships in my life?
I did.
But they were not really relationships - they were one-sided: I gave. They took.
To help you do this, write down the kinds of requests you think you’d be likely to get from each person.
Request for money? Attention? Saving?
Then, write down the ways you can say “no.”
Here’s a few good ones to get you started:
“Unfortunately, I have to pass on this.”
“Sadly, I can’t”
“No, I am unable to do that.”
“I appreciate the offer, but it’s not going to work for me.”
“I’m sorry, my friend, but I can’t.”
Or, give yourself a little more time, like this:
“I appreciate the offer; I need to think about it.”
“I need a bit of time to think about it. I’ll get back to you tomorrow with my answer.”
Again, this is going to be uncomfortable at first. Prepare for some blow back if you have people that are used to you always saying “yes” to their every whim.
Remind yourself that you are strong enough to do this.
Think about WHY you want to change - maybe you’d like to have money for yourself! Maybe you’d like to be able to spend a weekend relaxing and recharging, instead of saving your relatives. Maybe you’d like to have energy to work on something that is important to you - a creative project or business idea. Maybe you’d just like to feel calmer!
Keep that WHY in your head as you deal with this person.
And remember, you do NOT have to allow yourself to be abused, berated, or manipulated.
Walk away if you need to. Hang up the phone with a “I am happy to discuss this with you when you are able to speak kindly to me.”
This is all about truly embodying that YOU are also important to YOU. That you are allowed to have time, space, and money for you.
And that you don’t have to be on all the time, or at other’s beck and call. Just because you care does not mean you have to always rush in to save.
4. Learn how to control your empath nature to make this easier!
As an empath it can be REALLY hard to shift these kinds of things because you do feel the other person’s needs and frustration.
Of course, when you feel it, you want to make it stop! Not only do you not want the other person to feel that way, but you want to not experience it from them.
That’s why it’s important to know how to protect your energy, control how much of other’s emotions and feelings you take on, and how to detach yourself from others so you are not plugged in to them all day.
An easy way to learn to do this is in my Empathic Badass 5 day challenge!
In there, you will learn:
How to control how much emotion and energy you take on. (No more need for coping mechanisms, like hiding in the bathroom or canceling plans!)
How to pull your energy back from situations and people that drain you (and say “no” without guilt when you need to!).
How to decide whether or not you should help.
How to set healthy boundaries (energetically and otherwise).
How to have energy for yourself and your life!
How to use your gifts to help the world WITHOUT burning out!
I’m thrilled to say that I have heard from so many people who joined the challenge, and they are already feeling dramatically more empowered and energized!
Here are a couple of recent rave reviews:
“This is absolutely the most life-changing thing I have done for myself as an empath. I can’t say enough about what you have created here!” - Ella, London
”Thank God for you, Tara. Seriously. I have cried myself to sleep for years wondering what was wrong with me. In the first hour, I knew NOTHING was wrong with me - I am an empath and did not know what to do about it!!” - Janie, Australia
The practices I teach take only minutes a day, but they will change your life for the better in SO many ways.
If you are ready to finally stop being hyper-responsible and actually have time, energy, and focus for yourself, jump in to the challenge now.
