Why Empaths Have Hyper-Responsibility Syndrome - and What to Do About it

Do you have hyper-responsibility syndrome (lots of empaths do!)? 

Here’s what it is, how it drains your peace and power, and what to do about it! 

Do you ever feel like you are responsible for everyone’s problems?

And beat yourself up that you cannot solve them?

Do you drop everything anytime someone is in need? 

Do you feel like you are always on high alert, making sure you are the first one to sense any kind of problem - so that you can jump in and fix it? 

If so, you’ve got what I call hyper-responsibility syndrome. 

It’s common with empaths…but why?

As empaths, you already feel things others don’t

A change in energy in the room

A shift in emotion

Even other’s pain

Because of that, you are kind of like a canary in the coal mine - your empath senses allow you to be the first to know if something is off. 

That’s actually great - from a biological perspective, the world needs people like us to warn when there is danger! 

But from a life perspective, it’s not the greatest - 

Because what happens is, consciously or not, people in our lives decide that they are going to use that super-sensing power we have and get us to fix their problems for them.

Or, if you were brought up in a toxic household, the super-sensing power of yours became a survival tactic - 

Maybe you could sense when your dad was about to go on a rage, so you could get your younger siblings out of there…

Maybe you were the one that knew your mom was getting depressed again, and ran to her, trying to make her happy.

Maybe you sensed when your mom and dad were going to have a huge blow out, so you jumped in and tried to make the peace.

These are all very common experiences for any empath growing up in a difficult household.

What happened out of this?

You took on messaging that it was YOUR fault if you couldn’t avert issues in the house…

That it was your responsibility to make your mom happy or your dad calm - which is impossible! But everything in your hyper-sensitive body told you that you should do it.

As an adult, this negatively impacts your life in many ways:

1. You unconsciously pick toxic or difficult relationships with people you think you can fix.
   

2. You unconsciously take on more work than everyone else in your job.
   

3. You drop any of your own priorities anytime anyone says they need you or your help.
   

4. You end up carrying everyone else’s problems, trying to fix things that they will not.
   

5. You get taken advantage of, because manipulative people in your life make you believe that you “owe them.” 
   

6. You stay on high alert all the time, never resting. 
   

7. You lay awake at night pondering all the possible things that could go wrong and planning out what you will do in any of these scenarios. 
   

So, how can you fix this?

Step 1: Consciously accept that you are not responsible for everyone and everything.

This was a HARD one for me…it’s truly only been the last few years since I finally was able to actually embody this truth into my being.

I learned from a young age that I should “make everyone better.” Of course, that’s completely impossible! But I had to try.

As I grew, I continued to be responsible for everyone else…even for things that I could not POSSIBLY be responsible for! 

Here’s the thing: 

You can know the right direction for someone.

You can want to help them.

You can given them your very best.

But you cannot make them change.

And you are not responsible if they don’t.

Here’s a mantra I started saying to myself over and over in order to finally believe this (you should, too!):

“I did not create this issue, and I cannot solve it. I can offer love and help, but I cannot fix this for them. I am not responsible for the outcome.”

Step 2: Identify where you are hyper-responsible.

Take out a journal and think about the people in your life.

With each one, ask yourself: Do I feel responsible for how they feel? Do I feel responsible for fixing them or fixing difficult circumstances for them? Do I often do everything to solve one of their problems, while they do nothing?

I had a client do this practice with her son. He was 40 years old, and she was still bailing him out financially, emotionally, and even physically. She kept telling me all the reasons why she had to keep doing this, despite the fact that it was draining her emotionally and financially, and it was putting an enormous strain on her relationship with her husband. 

“But if I don’t do it, he won’t have anywhere to live! He will lose his son! He will be angry with me! He might stop talking to me!” 

You can probably see where this is going, but here it is: 

The son realized that he didn’t have to take any responsibility for himself or his life by simply manipulating his empath mom to keep saving him. Meanwhile, the son was using drugs (but they weren’t really his - honest!). And leaving his 8 year old son home alone (it was his girlfriend’s fault, not his!). 

It went on and on. 

She absolutely had the BEST of intentions, but her son was never, ever going to learn and take responsibility for himself if she kept running to his rescue.

Now, obviously this is very hard when it is someone you love - or when a child is involved. But I give you this example to show you what it looks like - and how well-meaning the empath is in the situation - but how no one is really getting saved here. 

Take a look at your life; where do you have some of these kinds of relationships? Where could the person actually take personal responsibility and save themselves? 

3. Make a commitment to say “no”  for one week to any request from people you identified as a problem person for you. 

This is going to be SUPER uncomfortable for you, but it will make a big difference - if you can stand it! 

I have had to learn this one, and once I did, I was able to shift so many things. Did I lose a few relationships in my life? 

I did. 

But they were not really relationships - they were one-sided: I gave. They took.

To help you do this, write down the kinds of requests you think you’d be likely to get from each person.

Request for money? Attention? Saving? 

Then, write down the ways you can say “no.” 

Here’s a few good ones to get you started: 

• “Unfortunately, I have to pass on this.” 

• “Sadly, I can’t” 

• “No, I am unable to do that.”

• “I appreciate the offer, but it’s not going to work for me.” 

• “I’m sorry, my friend, but I can’t.”
  

Or, give yourself a little more time, like this:

• “I appreciate the offer; I need to think about it.”

• “I need a bit of time to think about it. I’ll get back to you tomorrow with my answer.” 
  

Again, this is going to be uncomfortable at first. Prepare for some blow back if you have people that are used to you always saying “yes” to their every whim. 

Remind yourself that you are strong enough to do this. 

Think about WHY you want to change - maybe you’d like to have money for yourself! Maybe you’d like to be able to spend a weekend relaxing and recharging, instead of saving your relatives. Maybe you’d like to have energy to work on something that is important to you - a creative project or business idea. Maybe you’d just like to feel calmer! 

Keep that WHY in your head as you deal with this person.

And remember, you do NOT have to allow yourself to be abused, berated, or manipulated. 

Walk away if you need to. Hang up the phone with a “I am happy to discuss this with you when you are able to speak kindly to me.” 

This is all about truly embodying that YOU are also important to YOU. That you are allowed to have time, space, and money for you.

And that you don’t have to be on all the time, or at other’s beck and call. Just because you care does not mean you have to always rush in to save. 

4. Learn how to control your empath nature to make this easier! 

As an empath it can be REALLY hard to shift these kinds of things because you do feel the other person’s needs and frustration. 

Of course, when you feel it, you want to make it stop! Not only do you not want the other person to feel that way, but you want to not experience it from them.

That’s why it’s important to know how to protect your energy, control how much of other’s emotions and feelings you take on, and how to detach yourself from others so you are not plugged in to them all day. 

An easy way to learn to do this is in my Empathic Badass 5 day challenge! 

In there, you will learn: 

• How to control how much emotion and energy you take on. (No more need for coping mechanisms, like hiding in the bathroom or canceling plans!)

• How to pull your energy back from situations and people that drain you (and say “no” without guilt when you need to!). 

• How to decide whether or not you should help. 

• How to set healthy boundaries (energetically and otherwise).

• How to have energy for yourself and your life! 

• How to use your gifts to help the world WITHOUT burning out!
  

I’m thrilled to say that I have heard from so many people who joined the challenge, and they are already feeling dramatically  more empowered and energized!

Here are a couple of recent rave reviews:

“This is absolutely the most life-changing thing I have done for myself as an empath. I can’t say enough about what you have created here!” - Ella, London

”Thank God for you, Tara. Seriously. I have cried myself to sleep for years wondering what was wrong with me. In the first hour, I knew NOTHING was wrong with me - I am an empath and did not know what to do about it!!” - Janie, Australia

The practices I teach take only minutes a day, but they will change your life for the better in SO many ways. 

If you are ready to finally stop being hyper-responsible and actually have time, energy, and focus for yourself, jump in to the challenge now. 

How to Put Down Things You are Not Supposed to Carry

Mantra for 2023: PUT IT DOWN.

For a lot of us, carrying everyone else's stresses and pain and worries is a way of life.

It's so automatic that we don't even notice it happening, until we start having shoulder pain…

And aren’t sleeping well…

And feel completely keyed up all the time. 

I find that this is particularly hard for empaths…

We are trained to look for solutions to people's pain and suffering.

We WANT to make it stop.

We WANT to help.

And that's amazing! 

But, if we don't know where we end and the other person begins, it becomes a problem.

A BIG problem.

We end up unknowingly carrying a big ol' backpack filled with other people's stuff.

In this state, you cannot relax. 

You are on hyper-alert, desperately trying to solve at least a few of the things you are carrying.

You start buckling under the weight.

Eventually, you break.

If you break, you are no good to anyone.

But beyond that, YOU deserve to be happy.

YOU deserve to live a good life.

YOU deserve to have energy for yourself.

YOU deserve to be present. 

So, how do you stop carrying everyone else all the time?

You begin by realizing that others have the same power you do.

They have the same free will to make their choices.

And they are going to use that power in the way they wish.

You realize that you can show up, give them your best, and then put it down. 

What they do from there is on them, not you.

This came up last week on my practitioner certification call...

One of the students had serious shoulder and neck pain; it was clear that she was carrying everyone else on her back. 

So, we took a look at what she was carrying...

Her mom was in pain and needed to go to the doctor.

She had repeatedly begged her mom to go.

And yet, her mom was not going to the doctor, and she was very stressed about this. 

I asked her: "Can you MAKE your mom go to the doctor?"

She replied, "No."

"So, you have done what you can do. Put it down."

The same was true for a worry she had for her 25 year old son...

"Can you make him do what you believe is best, and probably IS best?"

"No," she replied, laughing. "He has always been stubborn, even from a small child...I could never tell him what to do."

"So you have 25 years of experience that tells you that you are only going to stress yourself out trying to hound him to do what's best. Put it down."

By the time we had gone through the list of things she was carrying, she told me, "You know what? My shoulder and neck pain is totally gone!"

She had put down the emotional backpack, releasing all of the stress and worry. 

You can do this, too.

Take a look at the things you are carrying. Then ask yourself:

"Have I done what I can?"

"Have I shown up and used my personal power in the best ways?"

"Can I MAKE this person take the positive steps I know would be best for them?" (SPOILER: The answer to this one is 'no." 😂)

Then, make the choice to put it all down. 

You've done what you can.

This is where your responsibility ends and the other’s begins.

See other people as powerful.

See them as having the same power you do to make choices.

Understand that you are using your power as you choose, and they are using theirs as they choose.

They may choose to stay stuck.

They may be so attached to pain and suffering that they use their power to stay that way. 

Or, they may use their power to move forward in a way you didn't expect, but is best for them.

Put them down.

Then look at how you can use your power in the best ways.

What can you do with all the extra energy you have when you put down the responsibility for others' lives and choices?

What can you do to stay in the present moment and find joy for yourself and your life?

What steps do YOU need to take to live your best life now? 

Do that. 

And, throughout the day, remind yourself to not carry others.

Stand up, act like you are taking the backpack off, and say out loud, "I am putting it down!"

P.S.

Are you carrying heavy burdens and are in pain?

Are you dealing with life stressors or past trauma and have pain or disease?

If so, make 2023 the year you learn to listen to your body and heal.

When you understand the message your body is sending you in pain or disease, you can heal everything - your body, your mind, and your life…

Because it is ALL interconnected.

That trauma you went through as a child is showing up as low back pain today.

Or that divorce you had two years ago is affecting your legs, causing aching pain as you try to move forward.

Or dealing with a toxic boss is showing up as a sore throat and shoulder pain.

Your body is desperately trying to tell you where the wounds are that need healed…

What life experiences need shifted….

What relationships to change or release….

But you can’t understand until you know how to translate the whole message behind every ache, pain, lump, bump, or rash.

Every symptom has an underlying meaning…

But you have to learn the language - like learning a foreign language.

You don’t know that “Hola!” Or “Bonjour!” means “hello!” until you are taught that…

Likewise, you don’t know that a stabbing pain in the left shoulder means you are being attacked by a woman in your life…until I teach you that! 

And, like learning a foreign language, once you learn how to translate symptoms, you know how to do it for the rest of your life.

If you are ready to bring power and healing to your life NOW?

Join Body Language: Deciphering Your Body’s Clues so You Can Heal today! 

Right now, it’s only $222 for everything….

Including group mentoring with me once a month AND a 20 minute private session where I translate the message behind your pain or disease and get you on the path to healing.

It’s an over $3,000 value with everything I include…

This is the lowest I will offer this in 2023, so join now.

I can’t wait to help you bring power and healing to your life! 

(It’s my favorite thing to do!) 

Setting healthy boundaries for empaths - why it's so freaking hard!

Do you find it very hard to disconnect from someone you love who is draining you?

Or to say "no" when you cannot do something, but you sense the other person's need?

Or to shut down from everything you've been feeling all day and be able to rest at night?

If so, you are like most empaths - you have a hard time having healthy boundaries.

For most of us, we've been taught that boundaries are a bad thing. In fact, if you had narcissists in your life that wanted to take all your energy and have you always ready to help them, they likely called you "selfish," "conceited," or worse when you tried to establish a healthy boundary with them.

If that happened, you likely internalized that, and now associate "healthy boundary" with "I am a selfish, horrible person for even considering such a thing."

It's time to undo that damage right now.

A boundary is simply a line drawn that indicates what is okay with you and what's not okay with you.

And, for an empath, a boundary is also "I am willing to take on this much energy from you, but I will not take that energy from you."

If you want to see why setting boundaries is so hard for us as empaths - and learn how to start setting them without feeling awful - check out my video below.

You can do this. You deserve to have healthy boundaries. You deserve to decide when you take on other's energy, pain, or issues, and when you don't want to do that.

It's not selfish. It's healthy.

Why Empaths go beyond the point of burnout - and how to take care so you don't!

✔️Do you feel guilty when you need to shut down for a while?

✔️Are you sometimes not even able to respond to a text, because that is energy you just don't have?

✔️Do you feel weird or weak when you need to hide in your room for a while - or a whole weekend - because you simply cannot take one more bit of stimulation?

✔️Is it almost impossible for you to stop helping, even when you KNOW you are on the way to burn out (or are already there)?

👂 If this sounds familiar, listen up (I speak from real life experience here):

Empaths are more prone to burnout and compassion fatigue than any other group, but they deal with it completely differently.

How so?

A caring non-empath might get to burnout and go numb, get worn out, realize they are going to get sick, and then they will stop helping or shut down (or both). They will detach from the situation and stop caring. A survival instinct kicks in and they stop.

They will, basically, save themselves.

An empath will have all the same issues of sleeplessness, stress, exhaustion, irritability, and increased illness - maybe even serious illnesses - but he or she will NOT stop giving, taking care of whoever or whatever, or basically saving the world.

This is how so many empaths end up seriously ill; they go to the place of total burnout and, despite every sign that they are going to break, they keep pushing forward.

Their need to help overrides their need for self-care.

A sick empath helps no one. Honor your need to recharge. It's okay to shut down. If you don't protect your energy, no one else will do it for you.

Need help with this? Go here for lots of free resources!

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