Why Drama Drains You—and How to Deal with the Drama-Makers in Your Life (and Maybe Even Come Out Empowered)

I hate drama. 

Hate it. 

I realize that’s a pretty strong statement, but it’s true. I don’t play games and never have. I don’t understand the sick pleasure someone gets from pulling some sort of power play on another human being. And I really don’t understand the need to make someone else feel worse in order for you to feel better. 

None of it’s fun to me in any way. In fact, I find it pointless and exhausting. 

However, in this day and age of Desperate-Housewives-of-God-Knows-What, drama is seen as the norm. Even more frustratingly, the drama is rarely about life-or-death situations or issues (they’re never brokering world peace, for instance); it’s usually about stupid, irrelevant things. I guess I'd like drama more if I felt it was a means to a positive ends, but it just isn't.

While some of us hate pointless drama, for some people creating (or engaging in) it is energizing; it seemingly charges their life force for another day. 

For others that are Empaths or a Highly Sensitive People (HSP) like me, drama is completely draining. Because we pick up on other’s emotional state as well as the effects that certain actions can have on others (such as causing pain or sadness), drama is incredibly painful. Worse, the more you are around a drama-maker, the more that your energy is tuned into their fear, sadness, and anger.

Is it any wonder that drama is depleting to you?

So, what’s a non-game-playing, drama-hater to do? Here are my tips for surviving in a drama-laden world: 

1. Avoid the drama-makers. 

Some people LOVE drama. Some people feel life is boring and they need to spice it up, so they stir things up to amuse themselves. Other people feel no power in life and therefore need to exert power in silly, over-dramatized ways. 

Whatever their reasons, drama people NEED to create drama as much as we all need to breathe. 

Obviously, the best course of action is to avoid these people. 

However, that’s easier said than done, especially when you are dealing with a friend, co-worker, boss, or family member. Your approach needs to be specific to the relationship.

If you are dealing with a friend who keeps causing drama, re-evaluate that friendship. If they are talking about others and causing bad feelings between people to you, then they are doing it behind your back, too. Is that a person you really want in your life? 

If you are dealing with a co-worker or boss, it’s definitely more complex. Find ways to decrease your interactions, if at all possible. If it gets too much—if you come home from work exhausted and sick day after day—you do need to look for other work. Your health and wellbeing depend on it.

If it’s a family member, again, your best course of action is to decrease your time and interactions with this person. I know it’s hard, but it is essential to your wellbeing to do so. We've been repeatedly taught that family is everything, which leads many people to put up with horrible behavior which they would never allow in any other relationship or aspect of their lives. Just because someone is related to you doesn't give them the right to be a negative or abusive force in your life. You do have the right to set healthy boundaries and decrease time with someone who constantly wears you out, regardless of their relationship to you.

And let drive this point home: Whatever your relationship, if you know someone in your life who is constantly playing games with others, talking negatively about others behind their backs, and demeaning others, best believe it’s being directed at you, too. Don’t just hope that they aren’t going to start this with you, or—especially in the case of a boss— that if you "just keep your head down" he or she won’t turn on you. Learn from what you are seeing; if they do it to others they ARE doing it to you, whether you are aware of it or not. It’s just a matter of time until you are the primary focus of their negative attention. Get away now.

2. Drama is inherently childish, but that’s the point. Treat a drama person as you would a child having a temper tantrum.

If you’ve ever dealt with someone in the midst of causing drama, then you’ve seen his or her 3-year-old self acting out.

In my experience, those that cause drama for amusement or attention have had some sort of stunting to their growth at a young age; they have a broken sense of self. Perhaps their parents didn’t pay attention to them, so they’d scream to get someone to notice. Maybe they were in a situation where they weren’t taught to use their words to express their emotions properly; they now only know how to use them to hurt. Maybe they are simply modeling what they saw the adults in their life do.

Whatever it is, causing drama and playing power games is inherently childish and attention-seeking. It's a kid's way of exerting power over their surroundings, rather than an adult's way of changing the outcome of experiences through positive actions.

That being the case, if you treat the drama-maker like you would a child having a temper tantrum, it’s often far more effective than getting pulled into their little game.

One tactic that works (both for kids and drama-loving adults) is to tell them that you are not going to engage with them until they regain control and can deal with you calmly. This both sets a firm boundary for how you are willing to be treated, but also shows the drama-maker that they have the control to change the outcome of the interaction, which can be empowering.

3. Try doing nothing. 

Drama people feed off your reaction to their actions. If you give them nothing, they get nothing. If they get nothing, there is no reward for them to be acting dramatic and they will have to find other tactics (maybe even mature ones!) to get what they want. 

I’ve learned a great deal about this through the adoption process, as I’ve had to learn about how to deal with older adopted kids who’ve had a rough start in life. One thing that is emphasized is not to get angry with an adopted child who is acting out in bad ways, because it’s very likely that the only attention they’ve known is negative attention. Sadly, your screaming at or punishing them actually can feel like love. When you react—even negatively—it teaches them that they can get “love” from you in that way, and the behavior accelerates.

It’s no different here. Many times people who cause drama are actually seeking ANY kind of attention, even negative attention.

Doing nothing can be especially challenging if you are an Empath or HSP, as your default reaction is to try to take away pain, to find solutions, to make things better—even if it hurts you in the process. And, like me, you may try to reason with a drama person to find a common solution that’s win-win.

Trust me on this: Reasoning with a drama person does not work. Unfortunately, drama people want the opposite things to happen and will fight to make sure they cause uproar until they get the reaction they want. And, like a 3 year old, they definitely do not want win-win—they want what they want when and how they want it. 

Just give no reaction at all. Go completely quiet and let them do whatever they are doing. Give nothing back.

4. Whatever you do, do NOT give in to their drama. 

Just as with kids, giving the drama-maker what they want after they cause drama only teaches them that they can get what they want by doing what they did. 

And, just as with kids, you can expect more of the same. 

If you are feeling especially pressured to give the drama-maker what they are seeking, you must get away from them. Hang up the phone, walk away, excuse yourself to the bathroom, do whatever you need to do to remove yourself from the situation. 

If you are empathic, your kind nature is going to WANT to give the person what they want because you can actually feel their sadness or need. You have to stand even tougher against it, because you can end up feeding the beast of their need more than any other person. If you do that, you can find yourself in a difficult, co-dependent relationship, and that’s even more challenging to remove yourself from. 

Don’t know quite what to say to stop the drama in its tracks? I’ve had great success with using something along these lines: 

“You know, I can see that you are looking to get something from this, but I am unwilling to deal with you until you calm down. Let me know when you are able to talk about this rationally. Until then, I’m not discussing it.” 

Then, stop discussing it. If the person tries to continue to drag you into the drama, get away. Don’t engage with them until they seem calm and rational.

If they never seem calm and rational, I think you’ve learned a good lesson: This isn’t someone you want in your life, nor is it someone you can count on. Go back to #1 and avoid them as much as possible.

Are you very sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others? Do you seem to draw needy people to you like a moth to a flame? It's very possible you are an Empath. Take my Empath Test now to find out! 

Then, check out my upcoming Empath Institute - I'm so excited to help wonderful people like you to become truly empowered to use your sensitivity in positive ways for the world AND for yourself! 

Empaths: Here’s the REAL Lesson Jerks are Teaching You (And Your 5-Part Survival Plan)

In a conversation with a life coach acquaintance of mine, the topic turned to a guy she was working with on a project. He was rude. He was arrogant. He talked over her and took her ideas as his own. He was male chauvinist in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. He was, in no uncertain terms, a gigantic jerk. 

Upon pausing from describing his vile behavior, she said, “Ah, well. He’s a wonderful teacher.” 

I’d agree; there was a lesson here. However, we disagreed on the lesson itself. 

What she thought she was intended to learn—and what many, many Empaths/kind people have been taught to believe—is that difficult people are put in our lives so that we can learn things like patience, dealing with difficult people, and finding ways to love them despite their flaws. 

In theory, this sounds lovely. It’s love and kittens and puppies. It’s the belief that love and patience and peace will change a person. It’s utopia. 

Listen, I love my utopias (ask my husband—I wax poetic about some perfect vision of humanity at least once a weekend), but this kind of thinking leaves more beautiful, kind, empathic souls in terrible, abusive, and exhausting relationships than I can even count. 

In believing this, you are accepting that no matter what—no matter what harm is done to you, no matter how drained you are by this person, no matter how much of your time you give to a failing cause—you should stay in the relationship, apparently to earn a Master's degree in abuse. 

I dunno, but that just doesn’t sound like the best way to use your beautiful energy. 

Do you really need to accept abuse as a lesson in your life? Do you really need to learn to be some jerk’s doormat? Do you really need to run yourself into the ground, giving all your energy to saving ONE person, rather than being able to protect yourself and your energy in such a way that you can save hundreds (or more)? 

I say you don’t.

In my opinion, the real lesson jerks in your life are teaching you is how to put appropriate boundaries into your life, so YOU get to live the life that you deserve. If you’re an empathic person, doing so also means that you can use your intense caring and healing ways to actually make a difference in the world, not get depleted by some jerk.

If you are dealing with jerks in your life, your approach should be five-fold: 

1. Admit you’re dealing with a jerk.

This can be hard for an Empath, as you’ve likely been taught “you should think the best of people.” 

You should. However, sometimes the best someone has to offer is being a jerk. It’s okay to admit that’s the truth of the matter. In fact, it can be very freeing when you finally allow yourself to admit it.

You might be thinking, “But isn’t that thinking negatively? Isn’t that judging someone?” 

No. If it’s the truth, it’s the truth. You cannot go through life in denial that bad people exist in the world. If you do, you will be taken advantage of and drained of your energy extensively and repeatedly. 

Trust me; I know of what I speak. 

Your empathic nature is a gift, meant to heal the world. I don’t think that denial that leads to abuse is your best decision. 

The truth is that your energy will be depleted when you are with a negative person. It’s not a judgment call; it just is. By accepting who a person really is, you can then empower yourself as to how you choose to deal with them. 

2. If this person is incapable of change or is in ANY way abusive, get away from them. NOW. 

If you are dealing with someone who is emotionally, physically, or mentally abusive to you, or drains your energy to the point that you can hardly function, get out. If you are dealing with someone who is a tyrant and who makes you hate interacting with them, get out. 

I don’t care if it’s your mother, the first order of business is to detach from the relationship. While I absolutely believe you can change the energy of a relationship through energetically changing yourself, there are times when that energetic change is to simply get the hell away from the person. 

If you are dealing with any kind of abuse, please seek help immediately. Please scroll to the bottom of this article for resources. 

3. If they are constantly (and pointlessly) critical, block them from your circles, blog, and life. 

I’ve had a few people in my life that needed to be jerks all the time. When I’d talk about something good I was trying to do, they’d be the first to try to tear it down. When I posted an article I’ve been working ages on, they’d have to post a snarky or negative comment.  

I’m always astonished by these people; who has the time (or desire) to try to make a person’s day worse? If you don’t like what someone has to say and it’s not really hurting you, why take the time to be a jerk? 

Because they are jerks, that’s why. It’s taken me a long time to realize that this is some people’s pastime in life; they just relish putting people down. 

The dirty secret here (and bonus lesson for you) is they hate themselves. Because of that, they hate anyone trying to improve themselves or the world, because it makes the jerk feel bad about who they are. Of course, everyone has the exact same ability to get off their butts and do something with their lives, but they don’t want to actually WORK at anything. They’d rather just try to stop you in your tracks so they don’t have to face their own perceived shortcomings.  

So, they criticize others to make themselves feel better. It’s sad, but you also don’t have to take it. 

Block these people from your social media. Block them from your blog. And, while you are at it, block them from your life. 

Trying to make the world a better place with your empathic energy is hard enough work; you don’t need someone putting you down at every turn. 

4. Begin the practice of shielding yourself every morning. 

If I can pinpoint one thing that helps me more than anything else I do, it would have to be the practice of shielding. 

Shielding is a simple practice where you close your eyes and imagine a beautiful light flowing all around you, creating a force field that encompasses you. The light can be any color you like; I’d advise you to ask yourself what color light you need for the day. (Different frequencies—or colors—of light can negate different types of energy. Trust your inner wisdom to tell you what you need.) Imagine negative energy coming at you, and see it bounce off your force field easily. Imagine a strong, bright shield that is impervious to attack, but allows good to come to you.

That’s it. It’s a very simple practice with profound results. Even if you don’t believe it can help you, try it for a few days and see. 

If you’d like some help with this practice, I have a simple 9-minute Shield Exercise that you can listen to daily that will teach you precisely how to do this most effectively. 

5. If you are dealing with a pattern of jerks coming into your life, you’ve got underlying beliefs that are attracting them. 

This is a hard-fought lesson, let me tell you. For a very long time, I couldn’t figure out why in the world I was attracting the same kinds of energy-depleting, advantage-taking, emotionally-abusive relationships. I had jerks show up in the form of boyfriends, bosses, and friends, and the relationship always played out the exact same way: I’d be put on a pedestal for a while, then diminished, then find myself rushing around to make this jerk happy, then end up running myself into the ground trying to live up to this jerk’s unreasonable (and unearned) expectations. 

It sucked, if I am to be frank. 

Finally, I decided that I needed to figure out why I was choosing these kinds of people over and over again. After all, out of the millions of people in the world to have relationships with, how was I getting the same basic type? 

When I made the discovery behind The Flow Method, I finally had my answer: I was subconsciously and energetically programmed to seek the same kinds of people. Until I identified and retuned that underlying programming, I was going to keep reliving this crappy experience over and over. 

When I shifted the programming, everything changed. If you’d like to be able to identify your underlying programming simply—and have a specific action plan to shift that programming in 40 days, you can check out my book. 

If you are not ready yet, that's okay. What I really want you to take from this is that you are not responsible for (nor do you deserve) the abuse of a multitude of jerks in your life. 

Just know that as an Empath, you are a magnet for these kinds of soul-suckers unless you learn tools to shift that energy and keep them at bay. The good news is that putting a few of these things in practice will help you get right on your way! 

Want to know for sure if you are an Empath? Check out my Empath Test. 

Do you already know you are an Empath?

Would you like help in retuning your energy to stop attracting jerks and start attracting great things to your life?  Are you sick of being drained of your energy and would like to be empowered, not exhausted? Sign up below to be the first to find out when my Empowered Empath Academy opens! 

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Please seek help immediately—you CAN get out. You deserve to get out. 

Please note: Your computer or phone may be monitored by your abuser. Please be safe, perhaps using a friend's phone or computer to reach out for help. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 

http://www.thehotline.org

Phone: 1-800-799-7233

Love is Respect: (Terrific resource for those in an abusive dating relationship. Text help offered as well.) 

http://www.loveisrespect.org

Phone: 1-866-331-9474

Do you know a child who is being abused? Please don't just look the other way; report it;

Childhelp National:

http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline-home

Phone: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4533)