Empaths: Here’s the REAL Lesson Jerks are Teaching You (And Your 5-Part Survival Plan)

In a conversation with a life coach acquaintance of mine, the topic turned to a guy she was working with on a project. He was rude. He was arrogant. He talked over her and took her ideas as his own. He was male chauvinist in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. He was, in no uncertain terms, a gigantic jerk. 

Upon pausing from describing his vile behavior, she said, “Ah, well. He’s a wonderful teacher.” 

I’d agree; there was a lesson here. However, we disagreed on the lesson itself. 

What she thought she was intended to learn—and what many, many Empaths/kind people have been taught to believe—is that difficult people are put in our lives so that we can learn things like patience, dealing with difficult people, and finding ways to love them despite their flaws. 

In theory, this sounds lovely. It’s love and kittens and puppies. It’s the belief that love and patience and peace will change a person. It’s utopia. 

Listen, I love my utopias (ask my husband—I wax poetic about some perfect vision of humanity at least once a weekend), but this kind of thinking leaves more beautiful, kind, empathic souls in terrible, abusive, and exhausting relationships than I can even count. 

In believing this, you are accepting that no matter what—no matter what harm is done to you, no matter how drained you are by this person, no matter how much of your time you give to a failing cause—you should stay in the relationship, apparently to earn a Master's degree in abuse. 

I dunno, but that just doesn’t sound like the best way to use your beautiful energy. 

Do you really need to accept abuse as a lesson in your life? Do you really need to learn to be some jerk’s doormat? Do you really need to run yourself into the ground, giving all your energy to saving ONE person, rather than being able to protect yourself and your energy in such a way that you can save hundreds (or more)? 

I say you don’t.

In my opinion, the real lesson jerks in your life are teaching you is how to put appropriate boundaries into your life, so YOU get to live the life that you deserve. If you’re an empathic person, doing so also means that you can use your intense caring and healing ways to actually make a difference in the world, not get depleted by some jerk.

If you are dealing with jerks in your life, your approach should be five-fold: 

1. Admit you’re dealing with a jerk.

This can be hard for an Empath, as you’ve likely been taught “you should think the best of people.” 

You should. However, sometimes the best someone has to offer is being a jerk. It’s okay to admit that’s the truth of the matter. In fact, it can be very freeing when you finally allow yourself to admit it.

You might be thinking, “But isn’t that thinking negatively? Isn’t that judging someone?” 

No. If it’s the truth, it’s the truth. You cannot go through life in denial that bad people exist in the world. If you do, you will be taken advantage of and drained of your energy extensively and repeatedly. 

Trust me; I know of what I speak. 

Your empathic nature is a gift, meant to heal the world. I don’t think that denial that leads to abuse is your best decision. 

The truth is that your energy will be depleted when you are with a negative person. It’s not a judgment call; it just is. By accepting who a person really is, you can then empower yourself as to how you choose to deal with them. 

2. If this person is incapable of change or is in ANY way abusive, get away from them. NOW. 

If you are dealing with someone who is emotionally, physically, or mentally abusive to you, or drains your energy to the point that you can hardly function, get out. If you are dealing with someone who is a tyrant and who makes you hate interacting with them, get out. 

I don’t care if it’s your mother, the first order of business is to detach from the relationship. While I absolutely believe you can change the energy of a relationship through energetically changing yourself, there are times when that energetic change is to simply get the hell away from the person. 

If you are dealing with any kind of abuse, please seek help immediately. Please scroll to the bottom of this article for resources. 

3. If they are constantly (and pointlessly) critical, block them from your circles, blog, and life. 

I’ve had a few people in my life that needed to be jerks all the time. When I’d talk about something good I was trying to do, they’d be the first to try to tear it down. When I posted an article I’ve been working ages on, they’d have to post a snarky or negative comment.  

I’m always astonished by these people; who has the time (or desire) to try to make a person’s day worse? If you don’t like what someone has to say and it’s not really hurting you, why take the time to be a jerk? 

Because they are jerks, that’s why. It’s taken me a long time to realize that this is some people’s pastime in life; they just relish putting people down. 

The dirty secret here (and bonus lesson for you) is they hate themselves. Because of that, they hate anyone trying to improve themselves or the world, because it makes the jerk feel bad about who they are. Of course, everyone has the exact same ability to get off their butts and do something with their lives, but they don’t want to actually WORK at anything. They’d rather just try to stop you in your tracks so they don’t have to face their own perceived shortcomings.  

So, they criticize others to make themselves feel better. It’s sad, but you also don’t have to take it. 

Block these people from your social media. Block them from your blog. And, while you are at it, block them from your life. 

Trying to make the world a better place with your empathic energy is hard enough work; you don’t need someone putting you down at every turn. 

4. Begin the practice of shielding yourself every morning. 

If I can pinpoint one thing that helps me more than anything else I do, it would have to be the practice of shielding. 

Shielding is a simple practice where you close your eyes and imagine a beautiful light flowing all around you, creating a force field that encompasses you. The light can be any color you like; I’d advise you to ask yourself what color light you need for the day. (Different frequencies—or colors—of light can negate different types of energy. Trust your inner wisdom to tell you what you need.) Imagine negative energy coming at you, and see it bounce off your force field easily. Imagine a strong, bright shield that is impervious to attack, but allows good to come to you.

That’s it. It’s a very simple practice with profound results. Even if you don’t believe it can help you, try it for a few days and see. 

If you’d like some help with this practice, I have a simple 9-minute Shield Exercise that you can listen to daily that will teach you precisely how to do this most effectively. 

5. If you are dealing with a pattern of jerks coming into your life, you’ve got underlying beliefs that are attracting them. 

This is a hard-fought lesson, let me tell you. For a very long time, I couldn’t figure out why in the world I was attracting the same kinds of energy-depleting, advantage-taking, emotionally-abusive relationships. I had jerks show up in the form of boyfriends, bosses, and friends, and the relationship always played out the exact same way: I’d be put on a pedestal for a while, then diminished, then find myself rushing around to make this jerk happy, then end up running myself into the ground trying to live up to this jerk’s unreasonable (and unearned) expectations. 

It sucked, if I am to be frank. 

Finally, I decided that I needed to figure out why I was choosing these kinds of people over and over again. After all, out of the millions of people in the world to have relationships with, how was I getting the same basic type? 

When I made the discovery behind The Flow Method, I finally had my answer: I was subconsciously and energetically programmed to seek the same kinds of people. Until I identified and retuned that underlying programming, I was going to keep reliving this crappy experience over and over. 

When I shifted the programming, everything changed. If you’d like to be able to identify your underlying programming simply—and have a specific action plan to shift that programming in 40 days, you can check out my book. 

If you are not ready yet, that's okay. What I really want you to take from this is that you are not responsible for (nor do you deserve) the abuse of a multitude of jerks in your life. 

Just know that as an Empath, you are a magnet for these kinds of soul-suckers unless you learn tools to shift that energy and keep them at bay. The good news is that putting a few of these things in practice will help you get right on your way! 

Want to know for sure if you are an Empath? Check out my Empath Test. 

Do you already know you are an Empath?

Would you like help in retuning your energy to stop attracting jerks and start attracting great things to your life?  Are you sick of being drained of your energy and would like to be empowered, not exhausted? Sign up below to be the first to find out when my Empowered Empath Academy opens! 

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Please seek help immediately—you CAN get out. You deserve to get out. 

Please note: Your computer or phone may be monitored by your abuser. Please be safe, perhaps using a friend's phone or computer to reach out for help. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 

http://www.thehotline.org

Phone: 1-800-799-7233

Love is Respect: (Terrific resource for those in an abusive dating relationship. Text help offered as well.) 

http://www.loveisrespect.org

Phone: 1-866-331-9474

Do you know a child who is being abused? Please don't just look the other way; report it;

Childhelp National:

http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline-home

Phone: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4533)

How to Stop Auto-Helping: 4 Steps to Deciding Whether You Should Get Involved

Are you a compulsive helper, or, as I call it, an "auto-helper?" 

If you instinctively help regardless if you have the time, money, or inclination to do so and end up running the to rescue for every sob story or cause which crosses your path, then you are.

Because you help automatically, you can end up getting in way over your head with the amount of assistance or money which is requested. When this happens, you'll either push yourself to the point you are financially or physically broke, or you’ll develop resentment over all you’re doing with no one assisting you. 

Obviously, neither is an option which is going to allow you to continue to do the good you wish to do in the world. 

I've had to (painfully) learn this lesson, and I can tell you that it's better to go through the pain of having to say no immediately than to be driven into the ground and then be forced to say no to everything because you are beyond exhausted (or quite sick) and need time to recover. 

To avoid getting to this place again, I've put in place a 4-Step “Yes or No” Evaluation Method for whether or not I should get involved in a particular situation: 

Step 1: Evaluate the person or cause for what it is, not what you believe it to be. 

Believing in the inherent good of people and the power of second chances also means I've been blinded to a person's real intent in asking for assistance. I've also helped the same person multiple times, even though I had been burned by them before. And, I've given weeks (or years) of time to various causes, jeopardizing my own ability to make an income by putting their needs before my business’s needs. 

No more. Now, when someone asks for help, I first evaluate the person or situation in black and white terms (not with rose-colored glasses). I ask these questions: 

1. Is this a specific situation which they need some assistance to get through? 

2. Or, are they the kind of person who always wants (and gets) help, but never does anything with it? 

3. Have I been burned before, jumping in and saving the day for this individual or cause without any assistance from them? 

4. If this is a cause, is it one I feel passionately about? Am I already committed to helping another cause? (I suggest choosing one—and only one—cause to help at a time.)

5. Is it a legit emergency? (See #4 for determining an actual emergency, because not all emergencies are really emergencies.)

In practice, it looks like this:

If this is a person who always asks for extraordinary help and does nothing with it, I pass. If it’s a situation where I’ve been burned before, I pass. If I’m not passionate about it or already helping another cause, I pass. 

If it’s a person who just needs a little assistance to get through and will work to help themselves, I help. If it’s a cause I am passionate about and I am not already committed to something else, I help. If it is a legit emergency (see #4 on how I determine an actual emergency), I help. 

Step 2: Evaluate how much time, money, and effort you are able to put in. 

If this is a person or cause you determine you can help, set careful boundaries on the kind and amount of help you can offer. 

First, set expectations. Simply say, “You know, I think I can help, but I need to look at my schedule to see what I can do.” 

Then, sit down and figure out how much time you are willing or able to spend. Is two hours a week? An hour? Or, do you realistically not have time to give without affecting your wellbeing or income? 

If you don’t have time, say no.

If you think you do have some time (or money), cut whatever amount that is in half, especially if you are an Empath (and you likely are, if you are an auto-helper). Being an Empath means you think you can do more than you realistically can; cutting in half ensures you’re more realistic about what you can do).

Communicate that amount to the person you are helping. Be very clear, and do not be dissuaded. If they try to ask for more, just keep saying, “I’ve carefully evaluated what I can do, and this is as much as I can offer. I hope that is appreciated.” 

If—as so often happens—demands for time or money begin to creep upward, immediately set the boundary once again. A good thing to say is, “You know, I was looking at my schedule and realize I am really burning candles at both ends. I have to cut back the time/money I am offering across the board, so I need to go back to only doing ________ (insert whatever your original amount was).” (Or less, if you have figured out this is not a good situation for you. It’s okay to say “no,” even after you’ve said “yes.”) 

Step 3: Set careful limits on what is required for your continued help. 

Have you ever noticed that, upon receiving your help, some people begin to expect help, suddenly becoming seemingly incapable of helping themselves? Or how they start dumping everything on you, making no effort to help themselves? 

This is what I am talking about. If you are an auto-helper trying to break this destructive habit, it’s incredibly important you continuously evaluate whether the situation is one you want to keep being involved with. If you don’t, you can get pulled into doing more...and more....and more....and more. Without constant reevaluation, it is all too easy to fall into this potential black hole without being aware it's happening—until it’s too late.  

Step 4: If it's a true emergency or a critical situation, get involved (with a caveat)

Make sure the situation is actually critical or an emergency. Since some people will make you feel everything is an emergency, let’s take a look at what an ACTUAL emergency is. Which of these would you label an emergency?

1. Witnessing a car accident happen in front of you. 

2. Friend wanting you to drop everything to listen to the latest drama in their family.

3. Mom’s best friend dies.

4. Mom having a bad day.

5. Someone you care about has a heart attack.

6. Someone you care about who rarely takes responsibility for themselves asks you to pay their car payment or rent.

7. Friend needs a ride to the hospital for stitches.

8. Friend wants free business help for the business he started.

9. Friend wants help setting up the house for a cocktail party. 

If you said 1, 5, and 7 were emergencies, I’d say you were right. Number 3 might be an emergency, depending on the situation. The rest of them are non-emergencies and need to be treated as such, using the evaluation method above and the questions below. 

So, the next time someone asks for your help and presents it as critical, take a breath and ask yourself if it’s REALLY an emergency. To decide, ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. Is this life-or-death? If yes, it’s an emergency. 

2. Is there truly no one else (including the individual involved) who can help here? 

3. Would this person be in this situation if they simply planned better (this is often the case with last-minute requests for help with a work or social situation)?

4. Can this person solve their own problem? If this person could work a bit harder, get a second job, sell something on eBay, hire someone, or jump in there and make the effort to dig themselves out of the situation, then it is not an emergency and you should not drop everything. In fact, you should be going back and deciding if you even should help at all. 

Believe me, I get how difficult breaking this habit can be. I have struggled with it for most of my life, and I still struggle with it today. However, putting these rules into practice has helped me help myself, which allows me to keep helping those who really need and deserve it. 

I hope I’ve given you some good sentences and phrases to use to be able to hold to your limits and say “no” - I find that one of the common things with compulsive helpers is that we don’t know HOW to say what we need to say, and we become overwhelmed with fear or the feelings of the other’s need, and then we give in. Using these words and phrases - and practicing them so you are ready - can give you a tool in all situations.

You have many ways you help people each day, too—it’s important that YOU have the energy to keep doing the good you do in the world as well!

Want to find out if you are a true Empath (if you are a serious auto-helper or people pleaser, it's highly likely you are!)? Take my free Empath Test and find out now!

What Back Pain is Trying to Tell You About What's Off in Your Life

Do you have back pain? Does your low back feel like it is knotted and achy? Have you ever had a herniated or slipped disc?

If so, you are dealing with issues of support and flexibility in your life.

Physically, the spine serves as a column that supports the body and shields the spinal cord. Since the spine runs from the tailbone to the back of the head, it is an important conduit of energy and crosses over many of the “chakras” or energy centers of the body (or, as I call them, "Stations"). The exact type of mind-body or energetic connection going on will correspond to the specific location on the spine.

Here are a few common spine/back issues I see frequently with my clients, along with what the mind-body connection might be:

Low Back Issues:

This area of the spine corresponds with relationships, creation, and money. If you are having pain here, ask yourself if you are having difficulty in any relationships in your life. Or, are you having a hard time creating something you desire, whether it is a physical child or a new project? 

Is there more pain on one side than the other? Is it more of a stabbing pain or an ache? It’s also important to look at the type of pain you are experiencing and the side of the body in which it manifests. For more on that, check out What Pain is Telling You. 

Middle Back Issues:

This area of the spine corresponds with feeling that you can stand up for yourself or support yourself in life. Do you feel that you are not standing up for yourself? Do you feel that no one supports you? Do you feel unable to support yourself? These are all important questions to ask if you are dealing with issues here.

Upper Back Issues:

This area of the spine tends to deal with “having too much on your back.” Is there something or someone you need to get off your back? Is life too burdensome lately? If you are dealing with issues here, you likely feel overwhelmed and weighted down by the burdens of life, with little or no support. It’s important to ask yourself what you could get rid of to begin to feel better.

Cervical Spine Issues (Neck):

Because the neck is an area with so many important functions, it is hard to generalize what might be going on if you are dealing with issues here. However, if you are dealing with degeneration in the vertebrae, you likely feel a breakdown of your ability to speak your mind and support your ideas (the ideas come from the brain, and your neck supports your head). 

This area of the body tends to have a LOT going on, so I'll deal with the specifics of other issues that might be affecting this area in other articles within this section. 

Slipped/Herniated Disc:

This issue signifies a feeling that your support is slipping or that there is a breakdown of a relationship. If the disc is herniated, the pressure is immense and is causing a feeling of a complete break. Depending on whether it is in the lower, middle, or cervical spine, that will tell you exactly what's going on specifically. 

How to Use This Knowledge Now:

Whatever issue you are facing in your spine/back, first find out the function of the affected body part—what does the body part do for your body? How does it function when healthy? What does the pain feel like? (Check out What Pain is Telling You for help with what specific kinds of pain may be telling you.)

Then, write down a description of the disease—how it progresses, what it does, what is malfunctioning now. Look at what you have written. How can you relate the description of the disease and the proper functioning of the body part with the issues of personal creation, making money, and one-on-one relationships? Look at the language that you have used to find clues for the issue.

It may be tough at first for you to see the connections between the pain you are experiencing, your beliefs, and your current (or past) life experiences. That's okay! It's enough to begin to open yourself to listening to the wisdom of your body. 

If you'd like to be notified of upcoming webinars where I teach you how to become a “Medical Detective” in your own life, recognizing the patterns and emotions that lead to specific disease, sign up for my newsletter list. As a bonus, you'll get a free Healing and Transformation meditation that can help you begin the process of healing (and help you sleep better, if you listen to it at night!).

If you'd like immediate assistance with any physical issue you are dealing with, please send a message to me and we can set you up for a healing session. 

Always remember, you do not consciously cause disease. Rather, it's usually due to underlying, unconscious beliefs and patterns, and this is not your fault. The good news is that once you get to the root of the issue, you can often reset the issue and healing follows!

Would this article be helpful to someone you know? Please share it with them (I'll be very grateful, and so will they!). 

How to Feel Safe: Dealing With Anxiety by Creating Your Own Security and Peace of Mind

Perhaps the greatest stress you will ever face is the impression that you can't protect yourself from life itself.

I have certainly had moments like this. A few years ago my husband and I went through two hurricanes, completing renovations on our house, putting it on the market, a cross-country move, and the death of my beloved grandmother all in a four week period (actually, all but one hurricane happened in one week). I have never been so stressed out in my life, and I began to notice that I was constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next disaster to happen. 

To top it off, I found I had gained about ten pounds in a week, although, due to stress, I hadn’t eaten a thing in days.

I felt exposed and unable to protect myself, and this frequency began to create the physical reactions that I was having. My fight or flight response was so overstimulated that my adrenal glands burned out. My mind was saturated with the idea that life was unsafe, so I manifested padding all over my body - and primarily my stomach, which is the seat of the sense of self - to at least soften the energetic blows.

If you carry excess weight in your mid-section, ask yourself why you feel unsafe. Very often, you will feel the answer in your gut immediately. Perhaps you have been hurt by someone close to you, and you are afraid of being hurt again. Maybe you are afraid of being rejected for who you are. Or, perhaps you are at a point of chaos in your life, and you feel that the blows will never stop. Any threat against your physical, emotional, or spiritual self can trigger an imbalance in the core of your body.

While you may feel that you cannot protect yourself, this is never true. As the co-creator of your life, you have the ability to create your own security and your own safe space, even in threatening situations. After all, the more that you identify a particular situation (or all of life) with the expectation, “I am not safe,” the more that you will trigger a fight or flight response in your body. 

To feel safer, bring awareness to your breath.

When you find yourself feeling that you are being threatened in any way, bring your awareness to your breath. Focus in on it; you will likely notice that you are either holding your breath or it is speeding up, which continues to send a signal of fear to your body.

Instead, consciously slow down your breathing. Breathe in to the count of 5; breathe out to the count of 7. When you breathe in, make sure you are filling your lungs completely; it should feel that not another bit of air could go in there. When you breathe out, you should feel like you are doing so as slowly as you possibly could, and, at the end, that you have emptied your lungs completely. By doing this, you communicate to your mind that you are calm—and your body calms down.

Then, in this calm state, repeat to yourself the new expectation, “I create my own security. I am safe. I am protected.” If you would like to, you can place your hand over your stomach as you do this. By physically touching your skin, you are making a real connection between your mental and physical state, which strengthens your physical belief that you are now in charge of your emotional state. 

The more you practice this, the more you create new neural programming that you really are safe and that you are able to protect yourself. You will begin to feel better and react to life from a more powerful state. Even better, this practice also sends out an important message to life itself that you are empowering yourself to choose better, safer, and happier experiences for you.

Remember, you DO have the power to change your anxious, scared reactions, and by so doing, to become more secure and safe in every way. 

Tara’s Questions for Positive Change:

1. Can you remember when you began feeling anxious? Was it during a particularly stressful time, or was it due to a traumatic event? 
2. In what situations do you feel most unsafe or anxious? When you are in those situation (or just before), remember to use the calming breath above. Then, in a calm state, repeat to yourself, “I am safe. I create my own security.” If you get anxious during the event, remember to go back to the calm breath. Again, putting your hand over your stomach helps to ground your mind and your body and makes an important connection for retuning your reaction in these situations.