Even strong people need support sometimes.

I remember a time when I was going through so much that I truly thought I would break. We had gone through our 4th or 5th failed adoption, and we had to put our beloved dog of 16 years to sleep due to an extremely fast-growing cancer that gave us just days to figure out what to do (and there was no treatment possible).

I am a person who tries to always see the bright side of things. I always look for the lesson. I always believe that even bad things are leading me to something better.

But, in that moment, I hit rock bottom. My faith shattered. My heart was broken in a way I felt was permanent. I had picked myself up and brushed myself off so many times, and I truly felt in that moment that I could not do it again. The weight of the sorrow of all of that loss was overwhelming.

I called people in my life who I believed would be supportive (and who I endlessly support), and, for perhaps the first time in my life, I said, "I am broken. I truly need help."

I'm not sure I've ever said those words before, and it was difficult to even speak them.

Their response? "You are a strong person; you'll make it through."

Not, "What can I do to help?" Not, "How can I take some of this burden?" Not, "I'm hopping on a plane and flying down there to take you in my arms and hold you up for a while..." (something I had done repeatedly for them).

And then, I didn't hear from any of them for 14 days.

And that is when I realized that, when a group unit - be it a family or friends - is used to one person being "the strong one," they cannot handle that person faltering. As a result, the strong person is never allowed to break or to need help.

And it is EXHAUSTING. So, please - check on your "strong" friends. Ask them if they need anything, and listen. Then help. Let them know that they are loved, supported, and appreciated.

If you are strong person who is dealing with pain or disease, and you’d like support and love to get through it, check out my course, Body Language: Deciphering Your Body’s Clues so You Can Heal. In there, you will get personal support from me with weekly calls, as well as understand and heal the core reasons for your pain or illness, empowering your personal strength and your best life.

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Life is rough sometimes. You can still find happiness.

Let's just be real; choosing happiness can seem like a tall order, given the state of the world right now. So, when I talk about choosing happiness, let me be clear: what I mean is that you are choosing to find moments of joy, love, acceptance, and peace inside yourself, even with everything going on.

Believe me, I get myself in knots over all the pain in the world. I speak up on injustice when I see it. I worry over the wellbeing of literally everyone in the whole world. I bet you do, too.

It's seriously overwhelming. And, if I didn't take a moment to pull back, to disconnect, to recenter myself into my own reality, I would be completely burnt out (and I know of what I speak, because I've done it).

So, what I am suggesting you do is to bring awareness to when you are only focusing on what's wrong, what's lacking, what needs to be done, and what obstacles are in your way. When you find yourself in that mode, take a moment and step back. List 5 things to be grateful for. List 5 things that are making you feel joy or happiness or acceptance or peace or love right now. List 5 things that are going RIGHT. List 5 improvements you see in life.

The only way we can create positive change in ourselves and in the world is if we are willing to take personal responsibility for how we feel and act, and the only way we can keep on doing what needs to be done to create a better world is if we restore ourselves to find the good in even difficult days. By cultivating this ability to shift yourself from "black cloud" thoughts and feelings to a reasonable sense of hope and gratitude, you can do so much more for the world (and you will feel and be more well to boot).

Toxic Spirituality: Why "Forgive and Forget" Can be the Worst Kind of Gaslighting

Have you been told that you should just “be nicer” to someone who was abusive to you?

Or that you are a bad person if you don’t want to accept someone back into your life after they’ve made decisions that were hurtful to you?

Or that you are not a good person because you are drawing a line in the sand and no longer want to engage with someone who is racist, homophobic, xenophobic, or otherwise harmful to you or other groups of people?

I’ve seen a LOT of this these days, often coming from well-meaning (usually) people in the spiritual world, intending to send a bit of a “kumbaya” kind of message out to the world. However, when we ignore the harm that someone has done, and we are told to ignore our own instincts on boundaries that we need to protect ourselves, and when the person in question doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to admit they did wrong, then that is some serious gaslighting, and it’s seriously harmful.

I’m over it. You should have healthy boundaries. People should be held accountable for the harm they have done. You are not required to forgive, forget, and be open arms to people who have harmed you and have taken no responsibility for their actions.

At the end of the day, ignoring the healthy boundaries you want and need to put in place because you’ve been told it’s not “spiritual” or “loving” is being abusive to yourself. It’s okay to say “no more.”

Creating Your Mental Survival Kit: Getting Through a Crisis and Staying Strong, Positive, and Increasing Your Immune Response Through Happiness and Connection

You’ve got your toilet paper. You’ve got your groceries. You’re (hopefully) in a safe place. You are doing social distancing and washing your hands. You’ve done what you can for your physical survival.

But have you thought about how you get through this pandemic mentally? Have you considered what you need to be able to stay positive, focused, and emotionally well?

Most people haven’t, but taking care of your mental wellbeing is at least as important as taking care of your physical survival. And, as we all know, the mind and the body are linked in important ways, so what your mind is experiencing sends messages to your body about whether you should be healthy and well, or whether you should be tuning into disease, lower immunity, and pain.

In fact, multiple research studies confirm that your immune system is stronger when you feel safe, happy, and loved. In this one, they looked at why the immune system is stronger in young women that are in love. In another, they showed that happiness has a profound effect on gene expression that have antiviral roles, and that loneliness increases genes that have a role in inflammatory responses (inflammation is not a good thing in the body, in case you were wondering). 

So, how do you create your mental survival kit? Here are my 10 steps to creating one that truly works for you:

1. First, get an actual box or bag that you can keep at hand.

Yes, you are creating an actual kit; think of this like a first aid kit for your mental and emotional wellbeing.

A physical kit (with perhaps a virtual copy) is key here. The reason? When you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed, you don’t want to be searching around for solutions. In that mode, you likely won’t even be able to think about what you need!

The reason? If you are stressed and anxious, you are likely to also be in decision fatigue. Decision fatigue is basically the point you hit when you’ve had to make too many decisions (even small ones) and deal with too many things at once, and you can no longer think clearly enough to make a good decision or come up with a good solution.

If you are not familiar with this concept, I highly suggest you check out the research on it. In doing so, you’ll quickly see that in times like these, you are making tons of little and big and exhausting decisions for your own wellbeing, worrying about others’ wellbeing, reading every opinion on the news and trying to make new decisions on that, and that leads to absolute paralysis when it comes to being able to find a quick solution when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Enter the physical mental survival kit. The idea is that, once created, this should need no thought whatsoever to use. You feel overwhelmed, you go to your kit, you see a whole list of solutions, and from that list, you pick one. No additional thought needed.

Now, start putting it together with these key items:

2. Create a list of friends and family that are supportive and loving.

Connection with others is a critical component to our wellbeing and a healthy immune system. However, the kind of connection is important here. If, for instance, you are connecting with people that make you feel scared, worried, or bad about yourself, your immune system will take a hit for the worse.

If you connect with loving, supportive people, you will feel safer, happier, and your immune system will respond with a boost of genes that strengthen your response.

Who in your life makes you feel uplifted and loved? Who makes you belly laugh? Who seems to always find the good in even the worst situations? Write down a list of those people and put it in your kit.

Then, reach out to some of those people and set an actual time to talk each week. I find that it’s best if you can do a video call, but literally any interaction - from texting to phone to sending a note - is a good one for your mental and emotional wellbeing.

You can also create a group call on Skype, Google Hangouts, Zoom, or FaceTime. If you are really feeling organized, create a calendar that everyone can schedule their own times to have an “appointment” with you.

However you do it, the key idea is to make sure that you are actually scheduling time with these people on a regular basis during this situation. (And frankly, this might be a takeaway from this - even after we are all through it, keep a schedule of connecting with these people who uplift you!)

3. Grab books that inspire you.

We all have books that we can pick up and read even a few minutes and suddenly feel better. What books do that for you?

Make a list of those books. If you’ve actually got the physical copies of the book, put those in your kit. If not, put your list in your kit. When you are feeling off and in need of inspiration, go to your kit and pick one of these books to read for at least 10 minutes. You will be amazed how quickly you shift out of worry and fear into hope and joy with just a little help!

While I am at it, grab a free ebook copy of my book, The Flow Method now.

4. List podcasts that lift you up.

There are many awesome people in the world who have created wonderful podcasts that lift you up and make you feel better and calmer. There are others who have created funny or joyful podcasts that make you belly laugh.

Both of these kinds of podcasts are amazing right now. Make a list of the ones you love and keep that list in your kit. When you are feeling off, tune in to one of these for even a few minutes.

5. List movies or shows that make you laugh or feel happy

As I mentioned at the beginning, happiness increases your immune response. So, now is the time to load up on things that make you laugh and feel truly joyful.

For instance, I just rewatched Naked Gun 33 1/2 and Clue–both classic comedies and both hilarious.

For shows, Schitt’s Creek, Arrested Development, and 30 Rock are go-tos for me.

Find the things that make you laugh and make a list of those. This is not the time for deep, depressing documentaries–this is the time for comedy, love, and joy. Put that list in your kit and grab it when you are looking for something joyful and silly to watch.

6. List activities that lift you up or help you release stress.

While we are staying home as much as possible right now, it’s important to keep in mind activities that will lift you up and help you feel healthier and happier.

For me, things like taking a walk in nature (while social distancing) and taking a drive with my favorite music on are really helping.

Other things you might list:

Yoga
Working out
Board games
Playing with kids in the yard
Working in the garden
Sitting in the sun
Reading a good book
Dancing to great music
Reading spiritual or religious text
Painting

These are just ideas; the important thing is for you to list things that make YOU feel good.

7. Connect with gratitude

There is absolutely no doubt that we are collectively going through a very difficult time right now. However, even in moments of difficulty, there is still much to be grateful for.

One thing that helps me tremendously is to sit down for 5 minutes each night and write at least 5 things that I am grateful for that day. In doing so, I find that there is so much in my life that is beautiful and good, and it connects me with the feeling that life is more abundant than I may feel sometimes.

It also connects with a sense that we can expect more good things tomorrow, and the next day, and so on - and that connects with a higher frequency that keeps you in a more abundant, positive mindset. Setting the expectation that good things come to you helps more good things come to you.

8. Create (or use) a mantra.

If you are not familiar with it, a mantra is either a “word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation” or a “statement or slogan repeated frequently.” Either way, it can help you to stay sane, uplifted, and healthy.

There is an impressive body of evidence that mantras have a positive effect, even if you think they whole thing is gibberish. There are a whole bunch of theories as to why this works, but from my perspective, it’s because you are literally creating a new neural pathways that is of a higher frequency than your old one, which creates a better mental state. (See my book for why that works. :) )

You can either use classic Hindu or Buddhist mantras or you can create your own. My favorite Buddhist mantra - and one I use frequently - is Om Mani Padme Hum, which has several levels of meaning, but, in the most simplistic terms, it means that you are taking a path to creating a union of mind, body, and spirit through wisdom and method.

There are lots of other ones to choose from; here’s a comprehensive list. See if one of those speaks to you.

If not, create your own mantra. To do so, you want to use words that have the most emotionally positive response in you. Read these words and see which ones create a feeling of joy, hope, excitement, or positivity in your body:

Resilient
Joy
Happiness
Hope
Oneness
Peace
Goodness
Optimistic
Love
Abundant
Goodness
Better
Safety
Safe
Empowered
Protected


What other words make you feel all the good feelings? Add to that list.

Now, take the words that made you feel the strongest positive responses and create a mantra for yourself out of them. Here are some examples:

“I am resilient and I believe I will come out of this stronger and better.”

“I believe my life is betting better in every way. “

“I am loved. I am hopeful. I am happy. I am wise.”

“Peace. Love, Joy. Abudance. Good health. Safety.”

“I am protected and safe.”

Do whatever feels right to you, but definitely do something with a mantra. When you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed, go back to the mantra. Repeat it to yourself, focusing on your breath and connecting with a feeling of peace, happiness, and love.

Okay, we’ve got a list of things to put in your kit. Here’s what you need to limit or avoid altogether:

1. Social media

In a time like this when we are all having to distance ourselves from one another, social media can be a lifeline. However, if you are going down rabbit holes of negativity on there, reading about the latest illnesses and deaths and getting madder and madder at politicians, then you need to put a hard stop to that.

Make sure that those you interact with and follow are putting out good things that make you feel better. If not, you can easily unfollow people putting out negativity and vitriol, and you should.

If you notice that any time on social media is making you feel anxious and upset, then limit it entirely for at least a day. Notice if you feel better (spoiler alert: you will), and then choose to limit your social media to a few minutes a day or not at all.

2. News

In the early moments of this pandemic, I found myself searching through the news WAY more than I ever would, trying to get some solid understanding of what we were facing and what the government was doing about it. You know what that did? It made me anxious and seriously overwhelmed. I started to worry about how to stop this, how to help people who couldn’t get groceries, how to help people who were stuck in their homes with abusive people, how to get healthcare workers the protective gear they needed - the list went on and on.

Worse, of all the things I was worrying about, there was little to nothing I could specifically do to make it better. All I was doing was completely stressing myself out without any outlet to make a positive change.

I realized that this was not good and not healthy. I also realized that, while there were many things I could not control, there were some that I could. I could stay home and do the social distancing. I could check on people in my life to make sure that they were okay and safe, and if they needed something, I could provide it. I could buy gift certificates to my beloved local restaurants and businesses to offer them support.

So, I turned off the news and focused on the things I could control and the good I could do. I suggest you do the same. Stay home. Flatten the curve. Help those that you can.

3. Interactions with negative or exhausting people

Are there people in your life that exhaust you? Do those people constantly bring you down or hurt you? There has never been a better time to set healthy boundaries and limit or completely eliminate interactions with these people.

Unfortunately, I know that some of you are stuck at home with these negative people. Stay tuned for future trainings on how to protect yourself if you are in that situation. 

This is my list for a mental survival kit. What ideas do you have?

Stay safe and healthy, and stay home for now. We will get through this together, and we will get through it quicker if we all take it seriously and stay home. - Much love, Tara

Has this been helpful to you? Be awesome and like and share!

*Here is a list of just some of the research studies that have shown the connection between happiness, love, safety and other positive emotions and a stronger immune response: 

How love increases our immune response: https://news.tulane.edu/pr/new-study-analyzes-how-falling-love-influences-immune-system-women

How adverse events (social isolation, negative socioeconomic conditions, bereavement, and other negative experiences) down-regulates genes involved in the immune response and up-regulates genes responsible for inflammatory responses: https://www.pnas.org/content/108/7/3080

Great article with many studies on how happiness influences our immune response: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-happiness-boosts-the-immune-system/

Scientific research on the effectiveness of mantras: https://buddhaweekly.com/science-mantras-mantras-work-without-faith-research-supports-effectiveness-sanskrit-mantra-healing-even-environmental-transformation/

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