Toxic Spirituality: Why "Forgive and Forget" Can be the Worst Kind of Gaslighting

Have you been told that you should just “be nicer” to someone who was abusive to you?

Or that you are a bad person if you don’t want to accept someone back into your life after they’ve made decisions that were hurtful to you?

Or that you are not a good person because you are drawing a line in the sand and no longer want to engage with someone who is racist, homophobic, xenophobic, or otherwise harmful to you or other groups of people?

I’ve seen a LOT of this these days, often coming from well-meaning (usually) people in the spiritual world, intending to send a bit of a “kumbaya” kind of message out to the world. However, when we ignore the harm that someone has done, and we are told to ignore our own instincts on boundaries that we need to protect ourselves, and when the person in question doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to admit they did wrong, then that is some serious gaslighting, and it’s seriously harmful.

I’m over it. You should have healthy boundaries. People should be held accountable for the harm they have done. You are not required to forgive, forget, and be open arms to people who have harmed you and have taken no responsibility for their actions.

At the end of the day, ignoring the healthy boundaries you want and need to put in place because you’ve been told it’s not “spiritual” or “loving” is being abusive to yourself. It’s okay to say “no more.”