Toxic Spirituality: Why "Forgive and Forget" Can be the Worst Kind of Gaslighting

Have you been told that you should just “be nicer” to someone who was abusive to you?

Or that you are a bad person if you don’t want to accept someone back into your life after they’ve made decisions that were hurtful to you?

Or that you are not a good person because you are drawing a line in the sand and no longer want to engage with someone who is racist, homophobic, xenophobic, or otherwise harmful to you or other groups of people?

I’ve seen a LOT of this these days, often coming from well-meaning (usually) people in the spiritual world, intending to send a bit of a “kumbaya” kind of message out to the world. However, when we ignore the harm that someone has done, and we are told to ignore our own instincts on boundaries that we need to protect ourselves, and when the person in question doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to admit they did wrong, then that is some serious gaslighting, and it’s seriously harmful.

I’m over it. You should have healthy boundaries. People should be held accountable for the harm they have done. You are not required to forgive, forget, and be open arms to people who have harmed you and have taken no responsibility for their actions.

At the end of the day, ignoring the healthy boundaries you want and need to put in place because you’ve been told it’s not “spiritual” or “loving” is being abusive to yourself. It’s okay to say “no more.”

Self-Love: How Changing Negative Self-Talk Helps You Succeed (and Heal)

“I just never feel that I am good enough.” 

“I feel like a failure.”

“I hate myself.”

“I don’t ever stand up for myself.”

“I have made so many mistakes.”

“I will never be able to be better than I am today.”

Do you relate to these statements? If so, you aren’t alone. In my work helping people to break negative patterns and achieve their goals, I would say 90% of my clients have uttered something along these lines. Worse, low self-esteem is at the heart of many, many of the issues they have, whether they are dealing with negative life experiences or have difficult health issues, such as ulcers, kidney stones, or gaining weight in the stomach.  

While feelings of low self-worth are enormously prevalent, the truth is that most of us hide it fairly well. Sure, there will be times when these kinds of thoughts will actually be voiced to someone else, but more often than not, you injure yourself in private, only allowing the inner bully to beat you up in your mind. Unfortunately, a lot of harm is done this way. After all, the more that you put yourself down, the more you believe it. The more you believe it, the more you will continue to attract self-defeating and self-sabotaging experiences. 

First, to find out how much of a habit negative self-talk is, I would like you to look into a mirror (or just think about looking into a mirror). What are the first thoughts that come to your mind? Are they loving thoughts? Or do you begin to nitpick at yourself, thinking about how you look awful, have wrinkles, are too fat, or whatever other horrible things you might say to yourself?

If you are like so many I have worked with, I am guessing the negative voices overtake the positive ones every time. 

Now ask yourself, “What experiences am I avoiding because I don’t feel good enough?” “How am I holding myself back in life?” “What relationships in my life reinforce my negative feelings about myself?”

And finally, “How would my life be different if I felt really, really good about myself?”

The answer to these questions will show you how important it is to develop a healthy sense of self-worth, as the life you live now is likely quite different from the one you would be living if you felt truly confident.

The good news is that helping people to build their self-confidence in order to go after the life of their dreams is a passion of mine! On this site, you will find a treasure chest of effective resources, exercises, and articles that will help you to build true confidence and feel like a new, improved, more self-assured version of yourself.

All of these resources will help you to feel more confident in all areas of your life, however, you must take the time to actually do the exercises and questions. After all, you likely have held negative beliefs about yourself for most of your life, so it does take time and work to get rid of them.

However, the small amount of work that this involves pays a big payout: You will feel more confident, attract better relationships, feel safer in any situation, be healthier and happier, and be able to truly go after the life of your dreams without reservation. 

Sounds good? Alright, then don’t waste anymore time feeling like you are less than you are. Get going on becoming the confident, empowered person you were meant to be!

Do you know someone that would benefit from reading this article? Please share the love and share it...much gratitude to you for doing so!! 

Tara's Questions for Positive Change: 

1. What are the most negative things you say about yourself? Can you remember when you began to feel that way? Did someone in your life use those words to criticize you? 
2. In what ways are you holding yourself back because you don’t feel good enough? 
3. Have you had relationships where you were emotionally, physically, or verbally abused? How did this experience change your feelings about yourself? Please note: If you are in an abusive relationship now, please see our “crisis center” for links to resources to help you to leave the situation. Also, please feel free to ask to be connected to a therapist or other clinician to assist you. Remember, you are not alone. You can find help - just ask.
4. How would your life be different right now if you felt really, really good about yourself? Write down this vision of your empowered life. Keep this vision with you (in a private location) and read it daily as inspiration to continue doing the work to build your self-confidence.

Loving Yourself: 3 Ways to Love Your Flaws and Take On the World

You wake up in the morning, stumble out of bed, and go to the bathroom. Wiping the sleep from your eyes, you look in the mirror. “My God! I am gorgeous!” you say to yourself. “Wow! I’m practically a movie star!”  

Doesn’t happen this way, you say? Don’t worry, you aren’t alone. 

While I am being somewhat silly about the positive feelings you should have toward yourself, I am completely serious about learning to love the body you are in. Sure, you may want to change some aspects of yourself, but you can decide to love them even while you are changing them. 

In fact, I wouldn’t just say that you can decide to love them, but that you need to.

By loving what you are at the moment, you begin a process of holistic change. You send out a more positive energy to all around you, which allows you to attract better people to your life. You gain confidence in yourself, which allows you to accomplish more and to stand up for yourself when you should. 

In effect, loving yourself as you are at the moment is the key to changing yourself into all that you dream to be. 

If you find that difficult - or practically impossible - to imagine, try these simple exercises to begin flexing that “self-love” muscle:

1. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say, “I love you.” 

Now, this does seem easy, but it can be a horribly difficult task for some. Go easy on yourself. If, as you try this, you feel like running away or breaking the mirror, take a deep breath. Walk away from the mirror. Calm yourself for a moment. Come back. Look in your eyes again, and try, “I am okay with myself.” Once you are okay with being okay, try moving to, “I like myself.” Work on that for a bit. Finally, move to “I love myself.” 

2. Change negative self-talk to positive self-talk.

Focus on how you talk about yourself throughout the day. Do you comment on your “love handles” or joke about your “batwings?” How often do you put yourself down during the day?  

Don’t finish a negative or self-deprecating comment. Instead, stop yourself and change the comment to a positive one - or, at the very least, a neutral one. 

Bringing your awareness to the hate you direct at yourself is a critical (and often surprising) step in developing self-love and a positive body image.

3. Dress in a way that makes you feel good.

Do you find yourself stuck in a rut of dressing in yoga pants or sweatshirts? Has it been a long time since you put any care into how you look?  

If so, you are only reinforcing a negative feeling about yourself. By changing the way you dress and taking some time to look good, you will begin to take more pride in yourself. 

It’s just about an instant cure to a negative body image.

Find clothes that make you feel good. Iron that shirt you love or put on those terrific heels - even if you don’t have anywhere particularly important to go. Take a few minutes to dab on cologne, put on make up, or do your hair. 

It is amazing how much better you will begin to feel, and even more importantly, when you take care of yourself, you send a signal out that you are worthy of even better from life. This begins a cycle that allows you to develop a better sense of self.

Who knew that clothes had such power? 

Go out and love yourself today. You are one of a kind!