Why Drama Drains You—and How to Deal with the Drama-Makers in Your Life (and Maybe Even Come Out Empowered)

I hate drama. 

Hate it. 

I realize that’s a pretty strong statement, but it’s true. I don’t play games and never have. I don’t understand the sick pleasure someone gets from pulling some sort of power play on another human being. And I really don’t understand the need to make someone else feel worse in order for you to feel better. 

None of it’s fun to me in any way. In fact, I find it pointless and exhausting. 

However, in this day and age of Desperate-Housewives-of-God-Knows-What, drama is seen as the norm. Even more frustratingly, the drama is rarely about life-or-death situations or issues (they’re never brokering world peace, for instance); it’s usually about stupid, irrelevant things. I guess I'd like drama more if I felt it was a means to a positive ends, but it just isn't.

While some of us hate pointless drama, for some people creating (or engaging in) it is energizing; it seemingly charges their life force for another day. 

For others that are Empaths or a Highly Sensitive People (HSP) like me, drama is completely draining. Because we pick up on other’s emotional state as well as the effects that certain actions can have on others (such as causing pain or sadness), drama is incredibly painful. Worse, the more you are around a drama-maker, the more that your energy is tuned into their fear, sadness, and anger.

Is it any wonder that drama is depleting to you?

So, what’s a non-game-playing, drama-hater to do? Here are my tips for surviving in a drama-laden world: 

1. Avoid the drama-makers. 

Some people LOVE drama. Some people feel life is boring and they need to spice it up, so they stir things up to amuse themselves. Other people feel no power in life and therefore need to exert power in silly, over-dramatized ways. 

Whatever their reasons, drama people NEED to create drama as much as we all need to breathe. 

Obviously, the best course of action is to avoid these people. 

However, that’s easier said than done, especially when you are dealing with a friend, co-worker, boss, or family member. Your approach needs to be specific to the relationship.

If you are dealing with a friend who keeps causing drama, re-evaluate that friendship. If they are talking about others and causing bad feelings between people to you, then they are doing it behind your back, too. Is that a person you really want in your life? 

If you are dealing with a co-worker or boss, it’s definitely more complex. Find ways to decrease your interactions, if at all possible. If it gets too much—if you come home from work exhausted and sick day after day—you do need to look for other work. Your health and wellbeing depend on it.

If it’s a family member, again, your best course of action is to decrease your time and interactions with this person. I know it’s hard, but it is essential to your wellbeing to do so. We've been repeatedly taught that family is everything, which leads many people to put up with horrible behavior which they would never allow in any other relationship or aspect of their lives. Just because someone is related to you doesn't give them the right to be a negative or abusive force in your life. You do have the right to set healthy boundaries and decrease time with someone who constantly wears you out, regardless of their relationship to you.

And let drive this point home: Whatever your relationship, if you know someone in your life who is constantly playing games with others, talking negatively about others behind their backs, and demeaning others, best believe it’s being directed at you, too. Don’t just hope that they aren’t going to start this with you, or—especially in the case of a boss— that if you "just keep your head down" he or she won’t turn on you. Learn from what you are seeing; if they do it to others they ARE doing it to you, whether you are aware of it or not. It’s just a matter of time until you are the primary focus of their negative attention. Get away now.

2. Drama is inherently childish, but that’s the point. Treat a drama person as you would a child having a temper tantrum.

If you’ve ever dealt with someone in the midst of causing drama, then you’ve seen his or her 3-year-old self acting out.

In my experience, those that cause drama for amusement or attention have had some sort of stunting to their growth at a young age; they have a broken sense of self. Perhaps their parents didn’t pay attention to them, so they’d scream to get someone to notice. Maybe they were in a situation where they weren’t taught to use their words to express their emotions properly; they now only know how to use them to hurt. Maybe they are simply modeling what they saw the adults in their life do.

Whatever it is, causing drama and playing power games is inherently childish and attention-seeking. It's a kid's way of exerting power over their surroundings, rather than an adult's way of changing the outcome of experiences through positive actions.

That being the case, if you treat the drama-maker like you would a child having a temper tantrum, it’s often far more effective than getting pulled into their little game.

One tactic that works (both for kids and drama-loving adults) is to tell them that you are not going to engage with them until they regain control and can deal with you calmly. This both sets a firm boundary for how you are willing to be treated, but also shows the drama-maker that they have the control to change the outcome of the interaction, which can be empowering.

3. Try doing nothing. 

Drama people feed off your reaction to their actions. If you give them nothing, they get nothing. If they get nothing, there is no reward for them to be acting dramatic and they will have to find other tactics (maybe even mature ones!) to get what they want. 

I’ve learned a great deal about this through the adoption process, as I’ve had to learn about how to deal with older adopted kids who’ve had a rough start in life. One thing that is emphasized is not to get angry with an adopted child who is acting out in bad ways, because it’s very likely that the only attention they’ve known is negative attention. Sadly, your screaming at or punishing them actually can feel like love. When you react—even negatively—it teaches them that they can get “love” from you in that way, and the behavior accelerates.

It’s no different here. Many times people who cause drama are actually seeking ANY kind of attention, even negative attention.

Doing nothing can be especially challenging if you are an Empath or HSP, as your default reaction is to try to take away pain, to find solutions, to make things better—even if it hurts you in the process. And, like me, you may try to reason with a drama person to find a common solution that’s win-win.

Trust me on this: Reasoning with a drama person does not work. Unfortunately, drama people want the opposite things to happen and will fight to make sure they cause uproar until they get the reaction they want. And, like a 3 year old, they definitely do not want win-win—they want what they want when and how they want it. 

Just give no reaction at all. Go completely quiet and let them do whatever they are doing. Give nothing back.

4. Whatever you do, do NOT give in to their drama. 

Just as with kids, giving the drama-maker what they want after they cause drama only teaches them that they can get what they want by doing what they did. 

And, just as with kids, you can expect more of the same. 

If you are feeling especially pressured to give the drama-maker what they are seeking, you must get away from them. Hang up the phone, walk away, excuse yourself to the bathroom, do whatever you need to do to remove yourself from the situation. 

If you are empathic, your kind nature is going to WANT to give the person what they want because you can actually feel their sadness or need. You have to stand even tougher against it, because you can end up feeding the beast of their need more than any other person. If you do that, you can find yourself in a difficult, co-dependent relationship, and that’s even more challenging to remove yourself from. 

Don’t know quite what to say to stop the drama in its tracks? I’ve had great success with using something along these lines: 

“You know, I can see that you are looking to get something from this, but I am unwilling to deal with you until you calm down. Let me know when you are able to talk about this rationally. Until then, I’m not discussing it.” 

Then, stop discussing it. If the person tries to continue to drag you into the drama, get away. Don’t engage with them until they seem calm and rational.

If they never seem calm and rational, I think you’ve learned a good lesson: This isn’t someone you want in your life, nor is it someone you can count on. Go back to #1 and avoid them as much as possible.

Are you very sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others? Do you seem to draw needy people to you like a moth to a flame? It's very possible you are an Empath. Take my Empath Test now to find out! 

Then, check out my upcoming Empath Institute - I'm so excited to help wonderful people like you to become truly empowered to use your sensitivity in positive ways for the world AND for yourself! 

How to Not Give Up When You Are Stuck

We’ve all been there: You are working and working at something––a business idea, a project, a fitness goal, adopting a child, whatever––and you hit a brick wall in your progress. Maybe someone shoots down your business idea. Perhaps you get writer’s block. Maybe you stop seeing progress in your weight loss goals. 

Right then and there, you consider giving up. 

Don’t. 

If it was important enough for you to start going after it, then it’s important enough for you to keep going after it. 

But, how do you keep on keepin’ on when progress halts or you hit a major bump? Here’s what works for me: 

1. Take a short break.

If you’ve been working away at something for a long time and you’ve ridden out more bumps in the road than I-16 in Georgia (they call it a road, but it’s really a 157 mile long rumble strip from Savannah to Macon), then there IS a point when walking away from it for a little bit is a good idea. 

How long? At least a day, and sometimes more. Trust yourself on this one.

If you are as driven as I am, I know it’s hard to let off the gas and take a break, but I am here to tell you that it’s the ONLY thing that has helped me keep my sanity and be refreshed enough for the next push to success. 

What kind of break should you take? I highly recommend doing something that you LOVE to do but haven’t had time to do lately because of all that launching-a-project stuff you’ve been up to. Take a spa day, go for a hike, head out to a movie, go for a long drive, have a fabulous dinner out, or whatever floats your boat. Just make sure that it has nothing to do with whatever you’ve been working on. 

The amazing thing is that every time I’ve done this, the perfect solution comes into my head effortlessly, leading me to the next steps I need to take in order to see the project to completion. 

2. Ask for help. 

I am the worst at asking for help. THE WORST. 

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had a pattern of asking the wrong people for help, or because I kind of like doing everything myself (a la Wonder Woman), or because I’ve had people help and then use it as emotional blackmail, but it takes just about an act of God to force me to ask for help.  

Well, I should day, it did. 

Lately, I’ve been practicing asking for help - and believing that I will get the right help at the right time. 

You know what? It’s worked. I’m finally getting help that is moving my businesses in the right direction and giving me time to be me (instead of “business-owner-worrier-Tara” all the time).

The truth is that when you get stuck on any kind of project, sometimes you just need someone outside yourself to take a look at what you are doing and either give you advice or assistance. 

The key is to ask help of someone who truly wants for your best. 

Whoever you ask for help, they must meet at least one of these criteria (all 5 would be great!): 

1. They’ve been helpful in the past. This seems obvious, but don’t ask help of people that you’ve never been able to count on. Reach out to those that love you and have offered their assistance before. 
2. They have expertise in whatever area you are working on. For instance, don’t ask your unhealthy Aunt Jane for help with achieving your fitness goals; instead, seek out your kind, marathon-running friend.
3. They don’t have ulterior motives. Often, close friends and family feel threatened by your desire for success. Be honest about the true nature of those around you, and only ask for help from those you truly want you to succeed. This is easier said than done, but one simple test is to ask yourself if you’ve ever walked away from a particular person and felt bad about yourself or your dreams. If so, that person is a “no.” Seek those that make you feel good about yourself and the possibilities in your life.
4. Other people recommend them. Sometimes you need professional help. For instance, if you really need help prioritizing your life or seeing a troubled relationship from a third-party’s view, you might want to ask a few friends if they know of a great coach or therapist. If you are looking for a book editor, ask your author friends. You get the idea.
5. Your gut instinct tells you that this person will be helpful to you. The right person to help will always FEEL right. If you feel like anything is off with this individual or their motives for helping you, walk away. Your gut instinct is usually right on. (Mine has never failed me!)

3. Find stories of others who have succeeded.

This is where Google is exceptionally helpful. Start looking around online for others that have succeeded in your given area. 

If you are an entrepreneur, I love inc.com - it’s filled with stories of others like you that will keep you moving (and maybe even inspire solutions). 

If you are looking for fitness goals, there’s bodybuilder.com, which is filled with people’s stories of success. 

Whatever you are seeking to achieve, someone out there has walked a similar path and has gotten through the proverbial valley of darkness to get to the light. Find their stories and let them help energize you to get through your own dark night. 

4. Take any inspiration you’ve gleaned from all of this and put it into an action plan.

What solutions came to you on your short break? What inspirations? What lessons?

Write them all down. I personally like to put them all down on post-it notes, then arrange the post-its on a poster board until a logical action plan is laid out. 

However, you do it, put together an action plan for the next steps you can take within the next day, week, and month to move you forward again. 

While you are at it, print out and post some of the inspiring stories you’ve found on your board as well! Looking at them will help keep you moving. 

It’s amazing how inspiring taking well-thought-out next steps can be! 

How do you keep yourself moving past a stuck place? 

The Kids We Couldn't Adopt

I’ve wanted to adopt children since I was a small child, so I feel more than prepared for the adoption process. What I wasn’t prepared for—what I couldn’t ever imagine—was having to decline the adoption of a child. 

Unfortunately, we’ve had to make that choice three times in this process, once about a month ago, once about 3 months ago, and once about 6 months ago. All—for different reasons—were the most heartbreaking decisions we’ve ever had to make, however this last one took me out at the knees for about a month; I was definitely in mourning and just unable to even talk about it for a while. I shut myself off from all my online presences to just try to give myself time to get through it. 

I decided I would share our story in the hopes that it might help other adoptive-parents-to-be who may be going through a similar experience, or to inform others considering adoption on challenges they may face in the process, especially if they are open to a wider range of children, issues, and openness with birth parents. As we have found out, being more open absolutely means that you may be facing much more difficult situations. With adoption already a bit of an endurance race, you need to be as ready as you can be.

In sharing this, I do want to make a point: I am choosing to share this information because we are not able to adopt these children. However, we did not share the children's background with others when we thought we could make them our own.

This is a point that I am passionate on: It is incredibly important that the child's story remains private until it is the right time to talk with him or her about it. Not only might a child be stigmatized by their start in life (being exposed to drugs prenatally, for instance, might make everyone think "something must be wrong with him!"), but someone also might say something to the child before you would wish them to, which can be very harming to him or her. It's important that the child is allowed to be whoever they are intended to be, free of whatever rough start they might have had in life, and that you are able to share their story with them in the best possible way at the right time. 

With all of that said, here goes.

In order to make it easier to read, I’ve broken the stories down into two posts (I am only including two of the three for now). Feel free to read one or both. 

The Child We Couldn't Adopt

The Baby We Couldn't Adopt

And, if you are dealing with an adoption issue yourself and need support, feel free to reach out. There are a lot of us out there, but it is a journey that feels very lonely at times. I am happy to help be a resource for support. 

Even better—if you have a SUCCESS story or a HAPPY story, please do share it! I really could use some good outcome stories right about now! 

The Baby We Couldn't Adopt

A few weeks ago, we got THE CALL: our home study social worker, Debra, called and said, “I think I have your match!” She explained that our match was a woman, who I will call "Sarah,"  who was in rehab for opiate use, who didn’t know that she was pregnant for 24 weeks, and was clean as of the moment. Sarah's mom also wanted a partially open adoption and wanted to talk with me via phone that day. The baby is a boy, she is here in the state (as opposed to China), and she was due in just 8 weeks! 

At first glance, I am sure this seems pretty darn scary to anyone that has not entered into the adoption process (and for many who ARE in the process as well). However, my husband and I had done a great deal of research and had decided several things: 

1. We are open to a child who has been prenatally exposed to drugs. While it is really, really bad to use drugs during pregnancy, some drugs are worse than others. In this case, we were assured that she had only ever abused pain pills, which are pretty much blocked by the placenta. Because of that, the chances of major damage to the child are the lowest of any drug. (Alcohol is by far the worst!! Please do not drink or do drugs during pregnancy, even "lower risk" drugs!!)
2. We are open to kids with medically treatable special needs (for instance, with prenatal drug exposure, you can be dealing with things like learning disabilities, ADD, and more). We feel like we can handle a lot, giving an awesome life to a child that might otherwise not be adopted.
3. We are open to a completely open adoption in the right circumstances. A completely open adoption is one in which the biological mom/family knows your name, where you live, and even meets the child once a year (or more, in some circumstances). 
4. As we have figured out, the right circumstances for an open adoption are very specific: You want a biological mom who is mature enough to handle that arrangement and see you as the parents of the child. In addition, she should not be a drug user or a criminal.

Given our parameters, this situation didn’t seem too bad. Of course, it also helped that I am naive enough to think that she must have been having a menstrual period every month while pregnant (which is rare, but does happen), so that was why she didn’t know she was pregnant for so long. 

In addition, the biological father was signing to terminate his parental rights the next day, so we assumed he was totally out of the picture—we figured that was a good thing and one less complication. 

Now, while we are open to an open adoption, we wanted to hold back some information until we were 100% sure that the situation was such that we were comfortable with our identifying info being released. One (major) bit of info was released before we entered the situation: Debra (who has a heart of gold), was trying to tell the girl what a great, stable couple we are, and told her the specific place we live. Unfortunately, because it’s not a big town, you could easily find us by just knowing our first names and wandering into a few stores and restaurants. I wasn’t thrilled about that, but I figured it was going to be okay and proceeded. 

In order to protect our privacy a little bit, I did buy a “burner” or “pay-as-you-go” phone. While I felt like a total drug dealer buying it, I decided that I needed to listen to my gut instinct that we should have it. I’m glad I did. 

The very day we got the call, I had a conversation with Sarah's mom, who I will call “Mary.” She asked everything about our spiritual beliefs, thoughts on education, and background, which I answered as honestly as I could. We seemed a match, so it was arranged that the next week we would talk with Sarah via phone. 

At this point, I decided not to tell anyone about our potential match; after all, we’d already been through one tough situation. I wanted to KNOW this was going forward before we broke the news. 

Sarah called the next week, and we chatted away for an hour. I liked her; she was honest about her pain pill addiction and said all the right things about wanting to stay clean for the baby and turn her life around. When she said, “Thank you for not judging me.” I just about melted. Why would I judge her? Anyone who thinks they could never end up in the same situation is delusional…we all have things that break us sometimes, and drugs or alcohol are often used to numb that pain. 

At the end of the conversation, she said, “I want you to get excited. You are exactly what I was looking for in parents for this child!” I got teary and walked over talk to my husband. “We’re having a baby boy!” I said, falling to tears. 

With this, I finally allowed myself to get excited, and we ordered all our “baby stuff” that night. The next day, we called our family and started telling our friends (keeping all information about the birth mom private—I firmly believe that is private info, and you do not want a child stigmatized by the circumstances prior to their birth). They were all overjoyed! It was so exciting to share this with those we loved. 

Even better, Mary called me out of the blue that week to give me an update on Sarah’s doctor appointment that day: “She was 31 weeks along, and they had taken 9 vials of blood—the baby is totally healthy!” While on the phone, we also arranged for all of us to meet the next Saturday. I couldn’t wait to meet them!

We also chose a name for the little boy that would be coming into our lives so soon. Putting a name to him made it so real…I could see, hear, and feel him in our home. I loved him already.

A few days later, our first hint of trouble ahead came in. That Friday, we received the contract from the attorney, and it showed birth mom expenses that were about 4 times as much as would be “reasonable and customary,” as defined by law. If we agreed to that, it would be baby buying. My husband and I decided that if that was what was required for this, we’d have no choice but to walk away—we had chosen adoption to change the outcome for a child, not to buy one. 

I called the attorney, trying to sort this out. She explained that was what they were asking for, not what they would actually get. A judge would have to agree to it, and there was pretty much no way a judge would agree to that much money for the required 6 weeks of post-birth birth mom expenses. I explained that regardless of what a judge might agree to, WE wouldn’t agree to that. She assured me that it would never be close to that amount.  

While it was a bit of a red flag that Sarah and her mom were asking for SO much money, I also figured that it was Mary’s way of trying to get the best for her child. Wouldn’t any mom who had a daughter in this situation try to ask for as much as she could for her child? It made sense to me that she would. 

So, we decided the adoption was going forward, and we met Sarah and Mary the next day for lunch. We all got along wonderfully. Sarah seemed very strong in her desire to start a new, sober life after the birth of the baby, and was totally committed to staying clean for the rest of the pregnancy. Both of them assured us that the only drugs she had ever used were pain pills. We were also told that the only people that were allowed to take her our of rehab were her mom to take her to the doctor and her dad to go to Lamaze classes. All good.

To my surprise, Sarah also expressed that she wanted us at the birth of the child, and that she had heard from another girl that we could have a room next to hers at the hospital. I was touched by this; I hadn’t imagined that we’d be there for the birth, and I quickly agreed, letting her know that we were there to help support her as well. 

It all seemed great, so when Mary asked about our last name, I ended up giving it. While we were worried that we shouldn’t give it in a situation with a drug addict, we had been counseled by our home study social worker that she felt that it was okay and wouldn’t be a problem. I had some anxiety about it, but I figured that we all got along so well and Sarah was so committed to being clean that we’d be okay. 

We left with hugs all around. 

Two days later, our next bit of trouble came in: I got a call from Debra. “Well, Sarah wants the biological father at the birth as well.” Now, from everything we had heard over lunch and from the attorney, this guy is a serious drug user that was completely focused on “how much money he was going to get” as part of the adoption. Worse, he was clearly not out of the picture, although he had signed away his rights. 

Needless to say, we had to expect that he would try to extort money from us; I could imagine him saying, “I want X dollars or I’ll tell Sarah not to sign the baby to you” (birth moms have 48 hours to change their minds on adoption plans). This was not a situation we wanted ourselves in; my husband was adamant that if he was at the birth, we should not be. I wasn’t sure what the heck to do…I wanted to support Sarah, but I also did not want to be dealing with this kind of person or potential situation at the hospital. 

I didn’t have to ponder it too long. The very next day, I got another call from Debra. “Well, I’ve got bad news and I’ve got a gold lining,” she said. She went on to explain that Sarah had left rehab the day before with a friend of the biological father; she was supposed to head to the doctor for her check up, but instead went to the biological father’s apartment where she found him passed out on the bathroom floor. She stayed there all day, missed her doctor appointment, and fell asleep during a counseling session upon her return to rehab. Suspecting drug use, the rehab took blood; she tested positive for cocaine use. 

That was obviously the bad news; the "gold lining" was that because of the documented drug use, the Department of Children’s Services would be called in and the baby would have to be placed for adoption. In other words, we would now be able to go forward with confidence that we would be bringing a baby home from the hospital; Sarah’s drug use took away her ability to make a choice. 

At first, I figured we’d still be okay going forward with the adoption; again, rather naively, I figured one use of cocaine wasn’t great for the baby, but it also wasn’t horrible. In fact, there is a huge amount of research that the effects of even heavy cocaine use can be negated by placing the baby in a stable, loving environment; we have such an environment, so it would probably be okay, especially if it were a single use. 

However, it quickly dawned on me that it was unlikely that she went out and, 8 months pregnant, used cocaine for the first time. 

So, I googled her name. To my shock, mugshots showed up. While the very presence of mugshots is concerning, what was more so is the presence of worsening acne through the years; when we met, she had told me that the acne was the result of the pregnancy. However, the amount (all over), kind (scabby), and duration (years of it!) of acne I was seeing was indicative of long-term cocaine and/or meth use. 

My gut was screaming at me: She wasn’t just using pain pills; she’s been using heavy, heavy drugs all along. Suddenly, her lack of awareness of her pregnancy for months became clear: she was on serious drugs the whole time and wasn’t sober enough to notice she wasn’t having a period and was gaining weight.

On top of it, she was not showing very much for a woman so late in pregnancy (you could barely tell she was pregnant). As if knowing we were concerned by this, we were told by Mary that she had also been very small during all her pregnancies (so we assumed that was why Sarah was). However, the combination of all of these elements meant that the risk of extreme medical issues in this child was very likely. 

It got worse. I noticed the biological father’s name was noted as being arrested at the same time as Sarah during the most recent arrest (about the date she checked into rehab). I clicked on his name, and even more mugshots showed up, many for cocaine and meth possession, but even more concerningly, several for burglary. 

Looking more closely at the most recent burglary arrest, I noticed the charges had been dropped in 12 days. Obviously, this had to be someone they knew—after all, who else would drop the charges? 

My gut instinct was confirmed in my next conversation with Debra: they had broken into a dying relative's home and stolen a bunch of stuff. She went to rehab as part of the agreement of the charges being dropped. 

My heart sank. Now we have to face the fact that two drug-using felons have our name (including last name) and where we live. Remember how I said that is the exact situation that should NOT be an open adoption? Yet, here we were.

We now have to assume that they will show up at our door asking for money (likely within a couple of weeks of us taking the child), or, later on, show up at our child's school to do God-knows-what. They will certainly reach out to us when they need more money, and with drug addicts, they always need more money. It could be in a week, a month, a year, 10 years...there would be no telling.

On top of it, we found out that even the health information on the baby could not be trusted; while Mary had told us that she was the one taking Sarah to the doctor, the truth was that Sarah was actually going with the biological father to the appointments. The health information about the "9 vials of blood" had been given by Sarah to her mom, and from her mom to me. Since there had been many misrepresentations so far, we could hardly trust that anymore. 

In discussing all of this new information, my husband and I had to face the fact that we would never have a moment's peace with having a connection to them; we would always be looking over our shoulder, worrying about if and how they will show up. We realized that the only way that we would feel okay about this is if we basically went into witness protection and moved somewhere else—and really, is that a reasonable way to start a life with a child?

Worse, we had to face the fact that the best-case scenario for our mental wellbeing would be for them to both overdose a couple days after the baby is placed with us, and that is a pretty awful thing to have to hope for (and definitely not something either of us wanted to have happen—actually, we were hoping for the opposite—that she would get clean and move on to a happy life where we and our little boy could have a relationship with her).

And, we had to acknowledge that while we believe whole-heartedly in open adoptions, a connection to this biological family was not going to be positive for this child. He was better placed in a closed-adoption situation. 

With all of this, we could not go forward with the adoption. It was truly awful. I had to call family and friends as my heart was breaking. Thankfully, everyone was 100% supportive of us, and many pointed out that we weren’t actually making a decision to walk away; rather, the decision was made for us by the actions of everyone in the situation. 

While that did make me feel a little better, I truthfully just cried for about a month after we had to walk away, and worse, I was so worried about this child, but couldn't do anything for him. I wanted to KNOW he was okay. I wanted to KNOW he wasn't being exposed to any more drugs. I wanted to KNOW he was going to be placed in a wonderful family that would give him everything he needed in life. 

I had nightmares about it for about a month as well; I kept dreaming that terrible things happened to him and I couldn’t save him. The saddest dream I had was of seeing moments in his life with us with him, finally ending with him as a senior in high school accepting a basketball award with us standing by his side. It was a vision I wanted so much. I woke up in tears. 

That’s the hard thing about these situations; you LOVE that child immediately. You envision your future with him, helping him to become the individual he is meant to be in this world. You are attached to him with all your heart and soul, and having to detach from that is beyond painful. 

I am finally starting to feel better, and, as I say, decided to share our stories to hopefully help and inform others in this process. I especially want to help those who have faced similar heart-breaking decisions to know that others understand what you’ve been through. It sometimes feels like you are all alone in this adoption journey; I just want you to know that you are not alone. It is really important to know that. 

Do you know someone who has faced similar challenges? Or, do you know some adoption stories with happy endings? (I could use a few of those!!!) Please share in the comments below!

Read about the Child We Couldn't Adopt.