Financially Stuck: Are Old Beliefs Keeping You Poor?

Are you truly open to allowing money to come to you?

While you may be screaming “yes!”, hold your horses. Just like any relationship, you have a personal relationship with money, and so, you have a power balance going on: money can control you, you can control money, or you can have a balanced and flowing relationship with it, allowing it to come in and out of your life with love and trust. 

So, while you may say that you are absolutely open to having money, your beliefs about money may tell a very different story. In fact, you may have an internal conflict raging within you—on one hand, seeing money as evil or bad, and on the other, seeing it as your very life-blood to achieve what you desire in life. You fear both having too much, believing that you must do something unethical to earn it—or having too little, fearing an unfulfilling, impoverished existence. It really is a mess—and it absolutely blocks your ability to allow money to flow to you easily. 

Answer the questions below to help you to learn how to create more balance and joy in your relationship with money. By opening yourself to a healthier experience of your finances, you can also open yourself to a better, more fulfilling, more supported life. 

The You Whisperer Questions: 

1. Do you see money as evil or bad? Were you told that “rich people must be bad or unethical?” How do you think this affects your relationship with money?
2. Do you not feel like you deserve money? Do you feel that a spiritual or good person doesn’t need financial wealth? Where does this belief come from?
3. Have you ever been able to do something good with your money? For instance, have you given to a homeless shelter, saved a dog from a pound, or given to a charity that helps starving children? How did that make you feel about the power of money? 

How to Feel Safe: Dealing With Anxiety by Creating Your Own Security and Peace of Mind

Perhaps the greatest stress that you will ever face is the impression that you cannot protect yourself from life itself.

I have certainly had moments like this. A few years ago my husband and I went through two hurricanes, completing renovations on our house, putting it on the market, a cross-country move, and the death of my beloved grandmother all in a four week period (actually, all but one hurricane happened in one week). I have never been so stressed out in my life, and I began to notice that I was constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next disaster to happen. 

To top it off, I found I had gained about ten pounds in a week, although I hadn’t eaten a thing in days.

I felt exposed and unable to protect myself, and this frequency began to create the physical reactions that I was having. My fight or flight response was so overstimulated that my adrenal glands burned out. My mind was saturated with the idea that life was unsafe, so I manifested padding all over my body to at least soften the energetic blows.

If you carry excess weight in your mid-section, ask yourself why you feel unsafe. Very often, you will feel the answer in your gut immediately. Perhaps you have been hurt by someone close to you, and you are afraid of being hurt again. Maybe you are afraid of being rejected for who you are. Or, perhaps you are at a point of chaos in your life, and you feel that the blows will never stop. Any threat against your physical, emotional, or spiritual self can trigger an imbalance in the core of your body.

While you may feel that you cannot protect yourself, this is never true. As the co-creator of your life, you have the ability to create your own security and your own safe space, even in threatening situations. After all, the more that you identify a particular situation (or all of life) with the expectation, “I am not safe,” the more that you will trigger a fight or flight response in your body. 

Instead, when you find yourself feeling that you are being threatened in any way, bring your awareness to your breath. You will likely notice that you are either holding your breath or it is speeding up, so choose instead to take deep, slow breaths. Breathe in to the count of 5; breathe out to the count of 7. By doing this, you communicate to your mind that you are calm—and your body remains calm. Then, in this calm state, repeat to yourself the new expectation, “I create my own security. I am safe. I am protected.” If you would like to, you can place your hand over your stomach as you do this, further reprogramming your mind to connect your physical state with your mental reality. 

The more you practice this, the more you create new neural programming that you really are safe and that you are able to protect yourself. It also sends out an important message to life itself that you are empowering yourself to choose better, safer, and happier experiences for you. 

Remember, you DO have the power to change your anxious, scared reactions to life, and by so doing, to change the kind of life you have. 

The Flow Method Questions and Actions:

1. Can you remember when you began feeling anxious? Was it during a particularly stressful time, or was it due to a traumatic event?

2. In what situations do you feel most unsafe or anxious? When you are in those situation (or just before), remember to use the calming breath above. Then, in a calm state, repeat to yourself, “I am safe. I create my own security.” If you get anxious during the event, remember to go back to the calm breath. Again, putting your hand over your stomach helps to ground your mind and your body and makes an important connection for retuning your reaction in these situations.

Make sure to get your free 35 minute Healing and Transformation Meditation and free Healing Light Meditation for use during chemotherapy by signing up below!

Do your good deed today! Share this article with those it can help (and thank you in advance for doing so!) 

Are You Threadbare? 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Personal Power and Set Healthy Boundaries (Part 3)

Ready for the big finish? Want to prepare yourself for the fall out that setting boundaries and reclaiming your personal power will likely cause? 

Then you will enjoy my story - and lesson learned. In fact, here's lesson #3: 

#3: People are going to dislike you for setting boundaries. Do it anyway. 

A few weeks ago, I followed a time management suggestion in Tim Ferris’s awesome book, “The 4-Hour Work Week,” and put an auto-responder on my personal e-mail account to set expectations on when I can respond to things. You see, I get a lot of e-mail each day, and I often have people get quite upset with me if I cannot get a  response to them until later in the day or (“Oh the humanity!”) the next morning. Worrying about this causes me to stop what I am doing just about every hour to check e-mails and respond, breaking my concentration for whatever project I am working on at the moment, often totally derailing my focus.

In reading this fantastic book, I realized that I had allowed this to get totally out of control and needed to set new expectations on how I was handling my time. So, copying Mr. Ferris’s autoresponder almost to the letter, I set up mine. Here it is: 

“Greetings, Friends! 

Due to an extremely high workload and immense amounts of e-mail, I am only checking my e-mails once a day at 4:00 pm EST. 

If you have an urgent issue that cannot wait until 4:00 pm, please contact me via phone at XXX-XXX-XXXX. You’re welcome to call me whenever to say hello.  

Thank you for understanding this move to more efficiency and effectiveness. It helps me accomplish more without losing my mind in the bargain.  

I hope all is wonderful in your world today - 

 Tara”

As you can see, I offer people the option to contact me right away if there is a need so pressing that it cannot wait until I check my personal account at 4pm each day. 

Cue the ominous music; this is where it gets ugly.

Unfortunately, I set something wrong on my Mac mail and managed to send this autoresponder - often several times - to anyone who had ever e-mailed my personal account. I quickly realized my error, and sent out a very nice apology explaining what I was doing and why I was doing it. 

And the shock, awe, and truly unbelievable started.

Several people called me in a panic wondering what I was doing and letting me know that the stupid autoresponder had gone out a zillion times. Another person called me, totally freaking out, because “What would my business contacts think?” and telling me “You cannot do this with your business contacts - sometimes people need to get a hold of you right away.” 

I did mention that this was ONLY my personal account, right? And, do I really need to be at the beck and call of people 24 hours a day? Does anyone?

It gets worse.

Then, a person (who shall remain nameless) decided take my autoresponder and send it out to a whole list of people, some of whom are business contacts (and would not have seen this autoresponder) with the subject line, “Would you do work with someone who sent you this?” In the e-mail, this person decided to totally fabricate my intent, saying that I sent this to all my business contacts (I didn’t send it to one), that I was just trying to make myself look important (I could seriously care less about being “important”), and that I was even blocking my family from communicating with me more than once a day (I wouldn’t even dream of doing such a thing). 

In response to that e-mail, a couple of people called me names that I have never even thought about another human being, and certainly don't deserve. They had clearly been told that I had done and said things that I had never (and would not ever) do or say. These were, in fact, people that I thought liked me and who I had always treated with kindness. 

Wow. This was the reaction from me just trying to set a healthy boundary on my personal e-mail account - hysteria and slander. Unbelievable.

Be forewarned - if people have become accustomed to using you as a human doormat for a long time, they will be very angry when they no longer have anywhere to wipe their feet. They may lash out. They may try to make you feel bad. People who are jealous that you accomplish the things that they either can’t or won’t make the effort to do might even cite this as an example of you being a horrible, manipulative, self-centered person.

If you are not legitimately hurting someone, ignore them. I was not legitimately hurting anyone by saying that I would only check e-mails once a day and giving my cell phone for emergencies that could not wait. Seriously, I am not the President of the freaking United States (thank God); generally speaking, no one in my friends and family list really have anything that urgent to discuss, and if they do, they can call me - I’ve given them my personal cell number.

Geez. 

Set your personal boundaries, be damned the consequences. It is okay for you to take care of yourself and not be a doormat. It is okay for you to say “no.” 

You do have a right to make the choice to set forth the way that people are and are not allowed to treat you. It is really okay for you to release people from your life that drag you down, hurt you, or treat you in ways that are not the way you choose to be treated - and I don’t care who they are or how they might be related to you. You define who has the honor of being in your life and who gets the backside of the door. 

While we are at it, you do have the right to make yourself and your needs a priority, even if your priorities are not things that others consider important; they are important to YOU, so they are important. 

Take a moment to write down how you want to be treated. What relationships violate these qualities? Limit your time with those people or eliminate them from your life altogether.

Then, write down your priorities. What’s really important to you? Who is really important to you? How much time do you get to work on things that are important to you? How much time do you get to spend with those that matter to you? 

If, like me, you realize that the amount of time that you are spending on other people’s priorities and problems is way more than the amount of time you spend on the experiences and people that refresh, renew, and revitalize you, then it’s time to clearly define your boundaries and start cutting dead weight from your life.

Start by setting appointments in your calendar for the things that matter to you. Block out time to be with your spouse or partner. Block out time to do yoga. Block out time to work on that novel. Block out time for whatever is important to you; but seriously, schedule it in - if you don’t something or someone else will come along and will take that time. 

Refuse to compromise this sacred time to other people’s priorities. 

And, when someone tries to get you to give in to their demands, remember that “no” is a complete sentence. Keep repeating it.

Sure, they might have a fit, but at the end of the day, you get to have a life that is healthier, happier, and fulfilling to you.  

And you know what? That might just be the best goal of all. 

Have you ever felt pulled apart at the seams? What worked for you to rectify the situation? Have you had negative responses to setting healthy boundaries? I’d love to know your stories and tips for success!

Are You Threadbare? 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Personal Power and Set Healthy Boundaries (Part 2)

Yesterday, I wrote about needing to make myself a first priority in order to regain some sense of personal power and not feel so threadbare (I'm hoping you've taken this message to heart, too!). Here’s the second lesson I have learned (and actions I am taking to change):

#2: No matter how much you want to help, ultimately, other people are responsible for themselves.

Someone comes to you and says she's hurting. Or stuck. Or in a bad situation and doesn’t know what to do. Or simply needs help. 

What do you do? If you are like me, you jump in with both feet, throw yourself into helping, and take on the whole issue as if it were your issue, often staying up late worrying and going to any length in the mission to fix the problem. 

And then it happens: You realize the person may say she wants help, but she doesn’t actually want to put in the time to help herself. Or, she might want you to just fix it all for her. Or, she might actually not really want to fix the situation - she likes the drama, sadness, chaos, or whatever. 

But, you said you would help (and you've now taken this on as your personal problem and responsibility), so you spend a lot of time either trying to convince her to take some positive action, or you get fed up and just fix the whole thing for her.

Either way, you’ve just wasted time and energy on solving her issues, but you are left with so much stress and exhaustion that you don’t have the energy to try to make your own life better or deal with things that are important to you. 

If this sounds like you, it’s time for a little tough love (and let me tell you, I kicked my own behind for this one, too!):

Solving other’s problems for them does not work. Helping someone who doesn’t help him or herself doesn’t work. Fixing issues that others’ don’t really want fixed doesn’t work. 

No matter how good your intentions are, it truly doesn’t end well for anyone.

Imagine this: Your friend (lover, boss, grown child, etc) is caught in an angry ocean without a boat. She can’t swim, so you throw a rope out. She ignores the rope. You bring out a helicopter. She waves it away. You call out the coast guard. She says that she’s afraid of boats and won’t get in. So, thinking you are helping (also known as the “last act of a kind but self-defeating person”), you jump in, grab your friend, and start swimming for shore. 

Instead of being grateful, your friend fights you every stroke of the way, kicking and flailing and working against you in the most disruptive, exhausting ways. Or, she simply refuses to even try to swim, telling you (tearfully) why she can’t or won’t try to help - that you need to do it for her.

What do you suppose would happen at this point? Is it possible that you somehow have enough strength to lug your seriously resistant friend and yourself to the shore? Sure, it’s possible, but not likely.

The much more likely scenario is that you become exhausted from all that effort, and you both drown. 

If you are trying to help people that will not help themselves or will not participate in solving their own problems, you are doing exactly this, and I am telling you (from experience), you will eventually sink under the weight of it.

Or - hey - I’m an optimist! Let’s look at the ridiculously positive view for a second. Let’s just say that you DO actually, somehow, against all odds, fix the problem and save her from herself. You know what you have actually succeeded in doing? You’ve successfully made her dependent on you, which means that the next time she's in a pickle, guess who she's calling? (And rest assured, there will be another, breath-takingly similar pickle.)

There’s a couple of problems here:  

1. Your friend (lover, boss, grown child) doesn’t learn the lesson because he or she suffered no consequences, felt little pain, and made no effort. This pretty much guarantees he or she will repeat the experience (or upgrade to a worse one). And, if she actually kinda likes the experience (no matter how much she says she doesn't), she'll actively seek another one out.
2. Your intentions might be great, but you’ve actually robbed her of the satisfaction of actually solving her own problem, unintentionally creating a sense of helplessness and a feeling of being incapable of effectively saving herself. Essentially, she's just learned that the best she can do is do the dead man’s float in life, rather than learn how to swim - because, after all, she's incapable of learning to swim and someone else will pick up her mess and drag her to shore anyway.

Sometimes you have to let people fall flat on their faces in order to learn a key lesson to create a better life or stop making bad choices. Sometimes, it’s got to get to the point that leaving the situation is less painful than staying for real change to happen. If people never feel pain, they don’t change - there’s no reason to. If you are always saving the day, never letting the person have to really feel the pain of the experience or his or her decisions, you are actually almost guaranteeing that he or she will stay stuck in the experience (which is kind of the opposite of what you intended to do!). 

Think about it this way: when you successfully face a difficulty, obstacle, or tough situation for yourself, summoning up the courage to deal with it and get through it, don’t you feel stronger and more capable?

You do. You know you do. It’s the same reason that cancer survivors wear ribbons and shirts and do 4-day walks and help those going through the disease. It’s the reason that you can sit with your child and tell him that you truly do understand how it feels to be bullied, teaching from the heart how to deal with it. It’s the reason that you can help someone get out of an abusive relationship, because you know what you needed to hear to finally leave. 

By participating actively in solving your own problems and issues - side by side with anyone helping you - you strengthen yourself in ways that allow you to be more resilient, capable, and self-confident. You’ve been there, done that and can help others get through, too. 

So, next time someone asks you to swoop in and solve their problems for them, remember this. Don’t you really want them to have that sense of satisfaction and strength? 

And, if someone won’t participate in their own solutions or healing, you must walk away. It’s not good for you to go down with the ship. It doesn’t prove anything at all that you have given until you fall over. It robs you of the life you are supposed to be leading and it’s time that you could use for someone or something else.

I know this is so hard. It’s a badge of honor when you miraculously fix the unfixable. It’s addictive to think that so many people need you. It feeds that place in you that longs to be loved and wanted and admired. 

I get it. I have the same hunger within me. 

It’s time to feed it something different. It’s time to feed your soul by releasing those that are sucking your energy dry. It’s time to focus on letting go of the notion that you somehow created everyone’s problems and are responsible for solving them. It’s time to use your energy to strengthen you and your life so that you can go on to make the difference in the world that you are intended to make.

So, repeat after me: “I did not create other’s problems. I cannot fix their problems for them. I can only be there to listen, to offer support, and to give only as much time and energy as they are putting in to helping themselves. It's okay for me to release those that drain my energy and refuse to help themselves.” 

Repeat that a lot. It helps. It really does. This should really be your new go-to affirmation.

Have you ever helped someone that didn’t want the help? Or solved everything for someone, over and over? Maybe you broke the over-helping habit? I’d love to hear your stories! 

Part 3 tomorrow - and it is a doozy (you will not believe what I just went through from setting one simple, seemingly innocent boundary)! 

Flow Method Actions to Implement:

Take a look at those that you are helping that continuously require that you save them or clean up their messes. Set a mental boundary right now that the next time they ask, you say “no.” Let them know that you will help them and support them, but you will not do it for them again. Hold fast and remember that it may be painful now, but you will feel better and so will they in the long run.

Repeat the affirmation above over and over. You won’t buy it at first, but eventually, you will start to feel stronger; at that point, things start to shift.