Turkey with a Side of Dysfunction: An Empath's Guide to Surviving the Holidays with Toxic People at the Table

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The holidays can be an absolutely exhausting time for Empaths, and with Thanksgiving coming up, it’s a good bet that you are going to be bombarded with tension, old family patterns, and a few Emotional Vampires (EVs) coming out to suck your energy dry. 

So, how do you stay healthy and centered when EVs or other toxic people have a seat at your table? How do you actually have a happy holiday, instead of one filled with exhaustion, tension, disappointment, and sadness?

Use these techniques and you just might have a great holiday: 

1. Energetically protect your immune system.

There’s a reason so many of us get sick during the holidays; it's because our immune systems take a serious hit from all the emotional negativity and turmoil coming at us. On top of that, for Empaths, we are also worrying about all the people that are alone on the holidays, all the animals in shelters, all the kids in orphanages without a mom and dad—you know, all the pain and suffering which we cannot solve (but want to!).

It’s a bad mix that ends up energetically driving our immune system into the ground. 

If you look at the immune system, it makes sense—it’s our defense against nasty things like germs and other things that would harm us. It’s a great system–a strong system generally—but it can only hold for so long. When we are being attacked by outside negative energy AND we are emotionally in turmoil with all the pain in the world which we can't solve, it just makes sense that eventually it gives up. 

In addition, If you think about a family dynamic metaphorically, a family is supposed to come together and protect every member of the group–blood is thicker than water, right? However, what if your family is a situation where you’ve never felt protected? Or where one person is allowed to bully everyone else? Or where the dynamics are so dysfunctional that you feel constantly on edge for what the next hit will be (emotionally or physically)? 

If you think of the immune system metaphorically, it’s kind of the same thing—it’s supposed to be a whole family of elements that are coming together to protect you and keep you safe from outside elements. But, if you’ve got a family that turns on you and doesn’t protect you, it sends a strong signal to your immune system that you have no one to protect you, and by God, you get sick. 

The only answer for this is to Shield constantly. Shielding is a technique which I teach in detail in the Empowered Empath Academy, but a simple version is to simply close your eyes and imagine a glowing light force field all around your body. The light can be any color you want; it’s helpful to simply ask yourself, “What color do I need today to keep me safe, healthy, and protected?” Whatever color comes to mind, trust it. See that color glowing like a bright egg all around your body. When the Shield is up, you should feel strong and grounded!

To keep your immune system (and energetic system) healthy during any holiday with toxic people, you want to Shield every single morning at the very least. Frankly, it’s not a bad idea to re-Shield every single time you go to the bathroom (it’s nice and quiet in there, you can do this quickly, and by making it a habit, you'll always be strong and centered). 

If you do that, you will be amazed at how much stronger you'll feel this holiday! Even better, you may find that you energetically repel some of the more annoying people at your holiday table—they'll sense your centeredness and strength and will (unconsciously) decide to leave you alone. Win-win.

2. Adjust your expectations.

Every single holiday, I start imagining this “Norman Rockwellian” holiday—a happy gathering where everyone wants the best for each other and whose words will sound like harmonious note creating a beautiful melody. 

And every single holiday, I am crushed when it doesn’t happen—and when I can’t MAKE it happen. 

Empaths want things to be beautiful and happy, We want to take away people’s pain. We want to heal fractured relationships. We want peace and joy and love. 

Unfortunately, what we want—and what we try to make happen—may be a great odds with what everyone else in the situation wants or is willing to let happen. 

In my family, I can actually tell you exactly what will happen on any holiday by the hour. I can tell you exactly when the moodiness will begin; I can tell you when the breakdown will start. I can tell you exactly what time the in-laws will start something that will cause drama about who-can-stay-for-how-long-at-each-house, and who-is-getting-to-see-the-kids-for-more-time, and…ugh…

Anyway, even though I know it’s going to happen and can tell you almost to the minute when it will happen, I still end up believing that THIS is the year that I can somehow make everything perfect and wonderful and happy by doing THIS or THAT. 

No more. It’s amazing how much more at peace you can be by letting people be who they are. Yep, someone is going to have a breakdown. Someone is going to pull some sort of crazy drama. Someone is going to be mad, unhappy, and feel slighted. I know ALL of that, and I have finally accepted cannot fix ANY of it.

When you accept it and you expect the likely-to-happen, if anyone acts better than that—guess what? You get to be pleasantly surprised! And if they don’t, well, you're okay with it, because you have to realize that this is the holiday that this person wants. For whatever reason—and it can be because they actually enjoy drama, or it can be some bad experience from childhood, or it can be some power play they enjoy pulling—this is the holiday that they want. 

By letting them be who they are and realizing that it’s neither your job nor is it even possible to fix it, you can actually have the holiday YOU want. 

So, as you are heading into this Thanksgiving, write down this affirmation: I did not create this problem and I cannot fix it. I can simply let each person be who they are and I can be who I am. I can choose my own experience of this. 

No matter how much your family may make you feel like it’s your job to fix whatever this is, remind yourself over and over again that it isn’t. They are adults (at least in age) and they have to figure this out. Repeat the affirmation above until you believe it.

Which leads me to the next point: 

3. Be aware of falling into old roles. 

In any family or group dynamic, you have a role to play. You might be the peacekeeper, the fixer, the helper, the listener, the champion, or the doormat (all roles quite common for us Empaths). 

A great deal of the time, we aren’t even aware that these are the roles we are playing. It’s just something we grew up doing, or it’s how things happened within the group dynamic. 

It’s important to become aware of the roles that you play (and they can be different with individual people within a group). Once you become aware of the roles, then take a moment and decide one of 2 things:

1. The roles you play are ones that you are comfortable with and are authentic to you, or

2. The roles you play are exhausting/restricting and you no longer want to play them. 

Then, when you are with the family or other groups this holiday weekend, make sure to pay attention to the triggers that cause you to immediately fall back into roles you no longer want to play. Maybe your mom starts crying and says that “no one ever helps her,” so you drop whatever you are doing and run over to take over (even if you don't feel like it). Maybe your cousin starts drinking too much, and everyone expects you to look after her (you’re the caretaker, after all!) so that they can keep on having a good time without worrying about her. 

If you can—and this is hard when faced with old triggers—make the conscious decision NOT to act as others want you to, and do what is right for you instead (Gasp! I know, gentle Empath, that’s hard for you to imagine, but try!). If you are in the middle of a great conversation with your favorite uncle when cousin starts to get drunk, let her get drunk and see if someone else will step up. If your parents start to fight about the same thing they fight about every single holiday, this time—DON’T step in and try to make the peace.

I know it will be hard, but if there are roles you have always played which aren't authentic to you and that wear you out, it is worth the discomfort to break the pattern. 

However, as you work on breaking that pattern…

4. Be aware that people may freak out that you are changing your role. 

Change it anyway. 

People in your life are comfortable with you in the role you’re in. When you are always the “peacekeeper” and jump in to stop mom and dad fighting, the rest of your siblings get to relax and watch TV (you get yelled at and develop a pounding headache, but that’s irrelevant). When you are always the “helper” and your mom looks exhausted making dinner (and then leaves you making the whole dinner), your mom gets out of making the effort and you get stuck doing everything else. 

No matter the role you play or how your holiday dynamics play out, there is a reason that you’ve been playing that role, and people in your life like it. When you decide you are not doing it anymore, those that benefit from you being in that role will do everything and anything to try to keep you in that role. 

Prepare yourself for this. You can expect fighting, increased neediness, wailing and gnashing of teeth, manipulations, and—most definitely—you can expect to be called names. These names will be the opposite of who you are, which is why they tend to hit you in the heart and make you want to fall back in line to prove that you are not whatever nonsense they just called you. 

For instance, when I stood my ground and refused to save a particular person for the 200th time (and by "saving," I mean jumping in and doing everything for her with her making no effort), I was called “selfish,” uncaring,” and even “vain.” I am not even remotely any of those things (to the point that it’s laughable), but being accused of these things made me want to try to fight and defend myself and eventually just cave in to whatever the person wanted, just to prove how wrong they were. 

Listen to me carefully here: Defending yourself against false accusations made by a toxic person is pointless. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, and frankly, their opinion of you doesn’t even matter. YOUR opinion of you does, and you know that you are none of what they are accusing you to be. 

Instead, try this tactic: 

The next time someone calls you names to try to get you back in line with what they want, respond with, “You can think that if you want to. It’s not true, but you are welcome to think that.” 

You see what that does? You aren’t arguing with them, so you give them nowhere to go with it. They’ll likely call you a few more names and try some other tactics to get you to give in, but you can always calmly go back to the same sentence again and again. 

Then, simply remove yourself from the situation. 

I am not suggesting that this is easy, but I can tell you that it is effective. Even better, you avoid an argument AND might actually get to break old habits, which is so worth it. 

Here’s to a Happy Holiday season this year, lovely Empaths! Did you try any of these? How did they work? Or do you have other tactics you use? I’d love to hear them! 

Want to go from exhausted to empowered? Check out the Empowered Empath Academy, which is now open! 

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More good stuff for you!

Free Your Mind and Your Life: 3 Steps to Feel in Control of Your World

There are times in life when you may feel like you have little freedom in your life; and sadly, you may feel like it's been years since you felt free to be you.

Your life may feel very much like you are controlled by dictators, always trying to live up to other’s standards or views on how you should live.

You may feel that you are trapped by difficult circumstances, or that you cannot control your own life for a variety of reasons.

I am here to tell you that you absolutely can free your mind and free your life right this very moment. In fact, you can do so in in 3 simple steps:

Step #1: Realize that your mind is already free. 

No matter what your current issues are, your mind is free right at this very moment. No one can force you to believe their viewpoint on anything. You make all the decisions about what to think, feel, and do. 

Is this difficult to believe? Here’s an example that might make it easier:

What if someone walked you to the edge of a cliff and told you that you must think about an apple immediately or he would push you off.

Would you actually have think about an apple to save your life? Could you just tell him that you were thinking about an apple? How would he know if you were lying? 

The reality is that you could think about anything you wanted, and there would be little he could do about it. Saving your life would be fairly easy, as you could claim that you thought of an apple, and he would have to believe you.

While that is an extreme example, this same idea applies to your life.

All too often we think that we must believe the viewpoints of parents, friends, acquaintances, bosses, doctors, religious leaders, and even the media. Again and again, we give our personal power over to the opinions of those around us, because we think we have no choice and no right to question them. 

Worse, we’re brainwashed to believe that we must live our lives by their standards or suffer some horrifying consequences, like going to hell or our lives ending in abject failure with them standing over us saying, “I told you so!”

Let me tell you, living your life based on beliefs you don’t agree with is a recipe for a miserable life, and nothing more.

You’re free to think anything you desire about yourself, your life, and what you really want to be and do.

You’re a perfectly wonderful person as you are, and your needs and desires are good and appropriate for you.

Whether or not they are appropriate for others isn’t your concern. You have a right to make choices that live up to your standards, and no one else’s. 

Step #2: Free your life by freeing your mind from the power of other’s beliefs. 

Take a moment right now to decide whether you want to keep living by other people’s standards. Here’s a great exercise to help you:

First, take out a sheet of paper. Then, write down everything you believe you should be, should do, and should think. Write down others opinions on your decisions and their beliefs about your life. 

Then, ask yourself whether you want these things to be true for you.

For instance, you may have lived your life with guilt because you never put in the effort to become a doctor. However, when you really consider it, you never wanted to be a doctor; you only feel guilt because it was what your parents expected of you.

Or, you may have been taught that you were not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, or any of a million terrible things that we all learn throughout our lives. 

Now, ask yourself if these are the beliefs that you want to continue to build your life around. How much time have you wasted allowing these beliefs to control you? How many negative experiences have you had because you believed these things about yourself? What experiences have you missed out on? 

Take back your freedom and your life. Rip up that piece of paper and mentally decide you are throwing out beliefs you don’t agree with. Decide right here and now that you and only you choose what you want to believe about yourself and how you want your life to be.

Step #3: Retune your mind with new belief statements.

Now that you have found a way to free your mind of old beliefs that were holding you back, you must replace those with new beliefs that empower you and the life that you desire to live.

Formulate some new truth statements for yourself. You might want to say something as simple as “I am free to live my life the way that I want”, or something as specific as “I am smart and capable. I choose to live up to my greatest potential.” 

Try saying these new truth statements to yourself over and over again throughout the day. You will be amazed at the new life you begin to create for yourself. 

Best of all, it will be the life that you truly desire! (Now that’s freedom!).

What do you do to feel in control of your life? Have you been feeling stuck and worn out lately? I'd love to hear your stories. 

Do you know others that could use this article? Share a little love and share the article with them today! (thank you!)

Blazing Your Own Trail: You Can Get to Where You Want to Go Any Way You Want To

Have you ever been going along, personal life plan in place, goals in mind, when someone tells you, “That’s not the way to do it! You should do it this way!”?

I should think that you have, as I am certain that it is not possible to be human and to escape this experience. 

As you set forth your goals and go about following your action plan to get them, it is good to be prepared for the so-called “authorities” that will tell you how you should do everything. It seems that each person you encounter will be the expert, telling you “from experience” that you must do it a certain way. Or, they might explain that they “tried everything” and this was the “only thing that worked” for them, to save you the trouble of even trying a new method. Most commonly, you might hear that you cannot accomplish your dreams, that “It’s impossible. It just can’t be done.” 

The next time that you are confronted with this kind of thinking, remember that this attitude would have left us in the stone ages hunting and gathering for our food and wearing fur (or less). 

Please believe me: there are countless ways to do anything. Things that have never been done before are just begging to be brought into being from the Source. I mean, can you imagine how many people told the Wright brothers that flying was impossible? Now it is an everyday occurrence, moving millions of people around the world at every moment. I imagine that Bill Gates had people who thought that he was crazy when he started Microsoft; now he is one of the most powerful and successful men on Earth. I cannot fathom how many people Oprah Winfrey must have encountered that told her that she would never be able to be what she is today. Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Gloria Steinam, and Martin Luther King changed the world because they believed that it could be done. They knew that they could do something that had never been done before, they ignored the naysayers, and they did it. 

The next time that someone tells you that you can’t do whatever it is that you are aiming to do, tell them that they are full of rubbish (in the kindest possible way, please). Go home, turn on the Biography Channel, and watch a few biographies on some famous people. If that is not possible, pick up some autobiographies from the local bookstore. Suddenly, you will see that bringing the seemingly impossible into being in a way that is authentic to you is the only sure path to take. 

For every person who is a successful actor, there are as many different paths that led them to that goal. For every successful entrepreneur, there are as many different ways to find success. For every person who has become President of the United States—not one of them took an identical path to the White House. 

The ways to get to your dreams and goals are as varied as the number of people on the planet. Your life is not identical to anyone else’s; no one else has lived life in the same way, made the same decisions, or taken exactly the same steps as you have. There is no one else in the world exactly like you—and there is never one true path that you must follow to lead you to the life of your dreams. 

Believe in yourself. Make choices that radiate the power inherent within you. Take all actions based on the frequencies matching what you desire to bring into being. Finally, believe that what you dream of is already in reality, because believing in the end result helps to bring it into reality. Stay steadfast in your personal belief and let this flow into being in your life, however it chooses to do so.  

*This article is an excerpt from The Flow: 40 Days to Total Life Transformation 

Tara's Questions for Positive Change:

1. Have you ever stopped going after a dream because of other’s opinions? How did that make you feel?
2. Have you tried to follow another’s path, only to find that it was not the right one for you? Is there a new path that you could take that would make you happy?
3. Do you ask many opinions before moving forward on a new project? What might happen if you simply listened to your own mind and gut instinct? Would you have the confidence to do that? How would it feel if you succeeded against the odds?

The 3 Most Common Negative Beliefs Holding You Back, and How to Create a Daily Shift to Develop Confidence and Be More Successful

By Tara Meyer-Robson, Author of The Flow: 40 Days to Total Life Transformation

“I will never get this sale.” Jon slumped forward a bit and sighed.

I looked at him and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had been conducting a sales training for a company, and Jon was in the audience. He asked terrific questions and seemed to be a positive thinker and a go-getter. At the end of the meeting, he asked to talk with me privately, as he had an important appointment that day and wanted some tips on how to prepare for it. Just from what I had seen of him during the meeting, I expected that he was going to be totally confident in his ability to sell this client. 

“Jon, did you hear what you just said?” I asked gently.

“What?” Jon looked perplexed for a moment. “Oh, yeah - that I won’t get this sale.” He smiled sheepishly as he realized the issue.

I laughed. “Um, didn’t you just sit through my entire presentation on changing the way you speak and think to change the outcome to what you desire?” 

We both laughed and then spent time working on shifting his mindset to prepare for success, however, this moment stuck with me. If someone who had just been totally engaged in learning everything I was teaching could, just moments later, fall right back into a negative pattern, then anyone could.

You see, the truth is that negative thinking is an incredibly invasive bad habit of which most of us are unaware, but causes incredible problems. After all, do you think that Jon would have sold that client if he went into the appointment with the attitude that he wouldn’t get the sale? It isn’t likely.

The same holds true for your life. Do you think you will be as confident and successful as you can be if negative thinking is a habit for you? Not likely here, either.

To help you to break the negative pattern and develop self-esteem and success, here are the three most common negative beliefs and ways to shift them now: 

 

Negative Belief #1: “I don’t deserve better.” 

For many of us, we simply feel that we don’t deserve better than our current situation, which is a definite problem. Why? Because this belief also keeps many of us stuck in situations where we are extremely unhappy, and that's no way to live.

There are many reasons why you might feel this way (which I will deal with in future articles), but for now, no matter who or what told you that you were not worthy of better, it isn’t true. No one deserves to be stuck in an unhappy, stressful life, no matter what anyone else thinks. 

To shift into believing that you are deserving of a happier existence, first define for yourself what that life would look like. What is in your life now that's negative? What would you get rid of? What positive people, experiences, or things would you like to be part of your new life?

Then, once you have this image as clear as you can, take a deep breath, put your shoulders back, stand up straight, and begin to say, “I deserve the best in life.” 

As you go through your day, notice if you fall back into an old pattern of believing that you aren’t worthy of the things or people you desire. If you do, simply take a deep breath and say, “I deserve my dreams, and all that is the best in life.” 

 

Negative Belief #2: “I am a failure.”

All too many of us feel like we are failures in one way or another. If this is how you feel, perhaps parents, coaches, teachers, or other people told you that you failed in one way or another. Maybe you tried to start a business and it didn’t work. Or, perhaps you tried diets, self-improvement courses, or success training and did not see the results you wanted. 

Whatever it is, carrying around a feeling of failure is not for your best. So, take this to heart:

You did the best that you could with the beliefs and thoughts that you had at the time. You are different now, and you can choose a different outcome at the present moment.

To begin to shift this negative belief, when you wake in the morning, look yourself in the eye in the mirror and tell yourself, “I am a success.” Before important meetings, repeat this statement several times. On your way home from work, make it a mantra that you say over and over. 

Allow this new belief to begin erasing any “failures” of your past. Remember, you cannot go back to the past and redo it, so the only hold it has on you is the one you allow it to have in the present moment. 

Let old stuff go. Replace it with a belief that you are successful and seek experiences that prove it so.

 

Negative Belief #3: “I am not important.”

This negative belief is incredibly prevalent in those that I work with. It’s a real problem, because it causes truly good people to continuously put themselves last; everyone and everything is more important than their needs and goals. Believing that with their whole hearts and souls, they work and work and never give themselves a break. They eat badly because they have no time to slow down. They routinely give to everyone around them, saying “yes” to everyone else’s needs but never fulfilling their own. 

One day, they wake up and realize that they are worn out, overweight, over-stressed, depressed, and have no more to give to anyone else. Then, they call me for help.

While I am more than happy to help you personally, I would love if you could take this lesson to heart before you need to call me for an intervention:

You have a right to take care of yourself, and you even have a right to put yourself first. 

Think about this: If you do not make yourself important to you, how will anyone else value you or your time? How will you have relationships that are true partnerships, rather than one person continuously taking and the other always giving? How will you ever feel fulfilled or get the time to achieve your dreams?

The answer is obvious: You won’t. 

This week, I'd like you to become aware of how often you put yourself last on the list. Do you notice that people around you put you down? Are there people in your life that do not respect you or your time? Who do you support that never supports you? 

As you become aware of this, begin to say to yourself, “I am important.” When you are about to skip lunch again to finish another project for your boss, say, “I am important,” and choose to take a few minutes for yourself. When you are about to take a bath and the phone rings, say “I am important to me,” and let it go to voicemail.

You get the idea. The more that you tell yourself that you are important, the more that you believe it. The more you believe it, the easier it will be to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself in any situation.

Want to be invited for a FREE webinar on Removing Negativity from Your Life (held in January)? 

Simply sign up to get your free meditation above, and I will send you an invite (as well as a free meditation!).

Tara's Questions for Introspection:

1. How hard is it for you to feel that you deserve the best in life? Can you think of times in your life where you were taught that you were unworthy?
2. Do you have failures in your past that are holding you back? Are you afraid of failing again? How might your life be different if you hadn’t had those experiences?
3. Do you feel unimportant? Is this a pattern that you learned from your parents or others? Is it hard for you to even imagine putting yourself first?