Self-Love: How Changing Negative Self-Talk Helps You Succeed (and Heal)

“I just never feel that I am good enough.” 

“I feel like a failure.”

“I hate myself.”

“I don’t ever stand up for myself.”

“I have made so many mistakes.”

“I will never be able to be better than I am today.”

Do you relate to these statements? If so, you aren’t alone. In my work helping people to break negative patterns and achieve their goals, I would say 90% of my clients have uttered something along these lines. Worse, low self-esteem is at the heart of many, many of the issues they have, whether they are dealing with negative life experiences or have difficult health issues, such as ulcers, kidney stones, or gaining weight in the stomach.  

While feelings of low self-worth are enormously prevalent, the truth is that most of us hide it fairly well. Sure, there will be times when these kinds of thoughts will actually be voiced to someone else, but more often than not, you injure yourself in private, only allowing the inner bully to beat you up in your mind. Unfortunately, a lot of harm is done this way. After all, the more that you put yourself down, the more you believe it. The more you believe it, the more you will continue to attract self-defeating and self-sabotaging experiences. 

First, to find out how much of a habit negative self-talk is, I would like you to look into a mirror (or just think about looking into a mirror). What are the first thoughts that come to your mind? Are they loving thoughts? Or do you begin to nitpick at yourself, thinking about how you look awful, have wrinkles, are too fat, or whatever other horrible things you might say to yourself?

If you are like so many I have worked with, I am guessing the negative voices overtake the positive ones every time. 

Now ask yourself, “What experiences am I avoiding because I don’t feel good enough?” “How am I holding myself back in life?” “What relationships in my life reinforce my negative feelings about myself?”

And finally, “How would my life be different if I felt really, really good about myself?”

The answer to these questions will show you how important it is to develop a healthy sense of self-worth, as the life you live now is likely quite different from the one you would be living if you felt truly confident.

The good news is that helping people to build their self-confidence in order to go after the life of their dreams is a passion of mine! On this site, you will find a treasure chest of effective resources, exercises, and articles that will help you to build true confidence and feel like a new, improved, more self-assured version of yourself.

All of these resources will help you to feel more confident in all areas of your life, however, you must take the time to actually do the exercises and questions. After all, you likely have held negative beliefs about yourself for most of your life, so it does take time and work to get rid of them.

However, the small amount of work that this involves pays a big payout: You will feel more confident, attract better relationships, feel safer in any situation, be healthier and happier, and be able to truly go after the life of your dreams without reservation. 

Sounds good? Alright, then don’t waste anymore time feeling like you are less than you are. Get going on becoming the confident, empowered person you were meant to be!

Do you know someone that would benefit from reading this article? Please share the love and share it...much gratitude to you for doing so!! 

Tara's Questions for Positive Change: 

1. What are the most negative things you say about yourself? Can you remember when you began to feel that way? Did someone in your life use those words to criticize you? 
2. In what ways are you holding yourself back because you don’t feel good enough? 
3. Have you had relationships where you were emotionally, physically, or verbally abused? How did this experience change your feelings about yourself? Please note: If you are in an abusive relationship now, please see our “crisis center” for links to resources to help you to leave the situation. Also, please feel free to ask to be connected to a therapist or other clinician to assist you. Remember, you are not alone. You can find help - just ask.
4. How would your life be different right now if you felt really, really good about yourself? Write down this vision of your empowered life. Keep this vision with you (in a private location) and read it daily as inspiration to continue doing the work to build your self-confidence.

3 Big Relationship Mistakes - And How to Stop Making Them & Find Your Soulmate (Part 3)

Big Mistake #3: Picking a mate based only on looks or other material things. 

This was never really an issue for me - as I said before, I tended to look to the heart of the person - but I have a lot of people who come to me for relationship help that tell me that they picked the person because of their looks, money, big house, fast car, etc.  

Guess what? In the long run, these things do not create a foundation for a truly fulfilling, unconditionally loving, soulmate relationship. In fact, with the people that I have worked with, they become sort of a “golden handcuffs” that ties the person to a relationship they are miserable in, simply because they are addicted to the lifestyle, the money, the social position, or whatever else it might be.  

Listen, life is incredibly short. At the end of your life, are you going to look back and be happy with yourself because you stayed with a person that makes you miserable because you wanted things? Or are you going to wish that you had chosen a person that unconditionally supported and loved you? 

Only you can answer that. What I can tell you is that a life lived with your soulmate - a person who matches you on every level - is almost indescribably wonderful.  

You can find out more of my story and how you can break negative patterns and find your soulmate by watching the video below:

3 Big Relationship Mistakes - And How to Stop Making Them & Find Your Soulmate (Part 2)

Mistake #2: Believing that you can change or save a person.

It may be very romantic to think that you are going to be the knight in shining armor or the, well, warrior princess, but in reality it is exhausting, stressful, and causes resentment. 

I am a serious helper personality with a ridiculously big heart, so every sob story has me running to dry the tears. That’s not a bad personality trait, but it does get you into a lot of trouble in picking mates, as you end up finding people that are a mess, but that you think can change with a little love or direction or kindness or (well, the list goes on). 

Of course, what ends up happening is that the person either doesn’t want saved or changed, or tries to become the person you want them to be, but that isn’t who they really are. So, they either slip up and go back to their old selves - and then feel ashamed/angry, or they keep up the change long enough to become resentful of you. 

Here’s what I have learned: In picking a relationship, find someone that doesn’t need saving. Then, you can turn your attention on using your big heart to save the rest of the world, and you can come home to a person who can help renew your batteries to go out and do it another day.

Next, Big Mistake #3!

3 Big Relationship Mistakes - And How to Stop Making Them & Find Your Soulmate (Part 1)

I remember a time when, after yet another relationship was going wrong in the same ways that every other relationship had, I really wondered if I was either cursed or this was just as good as it was going to get - if the only men that would ever find their way to me would be jealous, controlling, and needy.  

Then it dawned on me - there had to be something I was doing that caused me to attract the exact same kind of relationship again and again! Stressed and sick of dealing with this again, I swore off men for months, intent on fixing whatever it was that was wrong with me, and I found out that I had been addicted to making some critical mistakes in picking boyfriends - mistakes that I realized I was programmed to make, based on some unconscious beliefs I held about the kinds of relationships I deserved.  

When I worked on changing these patterns, I quickly and easily found my soulmate (and now husband of more than 11 years).  

Are you ready to find your soulmate? Here’s some mistakes to avoid:

Big mistake #1: Dating someone for the potential you see in them.

I was an addict to this kind of thinking. I see the good in just about everyone, so I would look at a guy and think, “He’s got great potential to be _____.” (Just fill the blank with whatever you can imagine - and if you are one of these kinds of thinkers, you’ll know just what to fill it in with.)

Trust me on this: Do not date for potential; date for what is reality right now. I cannot tell you the amount of emotional turmoil I went through trying to help my boyfriend at the time become the person I thought he could or should be. 

Anyone catch the problem in that last statement? Here it is: I was trying to help this person live up to the potential I saw in him, but guess what? Just because I saw that he had the potential to be a great leader, teacher, or whatever else did not mean that was what he wanted. 

When you put your expectations on someone who does not want them, conflict can be the only outcome. You see, each person wants to be who they are - not who you think they can be. There is nothing wrong with encouraging a person to go down a path that would be great for them, but when you are opening the doors for a person who really doesn’t have the desire or drive to go there, you are setting yourself up for problems.

Find a person who has the qualities you most desire right now, and you won’t have to stress either of you out with expectations of “potential.”

Next, Big Mistake #2!