Are You Threadbare? 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Personal Power and Set Healthy Boundaries (Part 2)

Yesterday, I wrote about needing to make myself a first priority in order to regain some sense of personal power and not feel so threadbare (I'm hoping you've taken this message to heart, too!). Here’s the second lesson I have learned (and actions I am taking to change):

#2: No matter how much you want to help, ultimately, other people are responsible for themselves.

Someone comes to you and says she's hurting. Or stuck. Or in a bad situation and doesn’t know what to do. Or simply needs help. 

What do you do? If you are like me, you jump in with both feet, throw yourself into helping, and take on the whole issue as if it were your issue, often staying up late worrying and going to any length in the mission to fix the problem. 

And then it happens: You realize the person may say she wants help, but she doesn’t actually want to put in the time to help herself. Or, she might want you to just fix it all for her. Or, she might actually not really want to fix the situation - she likes the drama, sadness, chaos, or whatever. 

But, you said you would help (and you've now taken this on as your personal problem and responsibility), so you spend a lot of time either trying to convince her to take some positive action, or you get fed up and just fix the whole thing for her.

Either way, you’ve just wasted time and energy on solving her issues, but you are left with so much stress and exhaustion that you don’t have the energy to try to make your own life better or deal with things that are important to you. 

If this sounds like you, it’s time for a little tough love (and let me tell you, I kicked my own behind for this one, too!):

Solving other’s problems for them does not work. Helping someone who doesn’t help him or herself doesn’t work. Fixing issues that others’ don’t really want fixed doesn’t work. 

No matter how good your intentions are, it truly doesn’t end well for anyone.

Imagine this: Your friend (lover, boss, grown child, etc) is caught in an angry ocean without a boat. She can’t swim, so you throw a rope out. She ignores the rope. You bring out a helicopter. She waves it away. You call out the coast guard. She says that she’s afraid of boats and won’t get in. So, thinking you are helping (also known as the “last act of a kind but self-defeating person”), you jump in, grab your friend, and start swimming for shore. 

Instead of being grateful, your friend fights you every stroke of the way, kicking and flailing and working against you in the most disruptive, exhausting ways. Or, she simply refuses to even try to swim, telling you (tearfully) why she can’t or won’t try to help - that you need to do it for her.

What do you suppose would happen at this point? Is it possible that you somehow have enough strength to lug your seriously resistant friend and yourself to the shore? Sure, it’s possible, but not likely.

The much more likely scenario is that you become exhausted from all that effort, and you both drown. 

If you are trying to help people that will not help themselves or will not participate in solving their own problems, you are doing exactly this, and I am telling you (from experience), you will eventually sink under the weight of it.

Or - hey - I’m an optimist! Let’s look at the ridiculously positive view for a second. Let’s just say that you DO actually, somehow, against all odds, fix the problem and save her from herself. You know what you have actually succeeded in doing? You’ve successfully made her dependent on you, which means that the next time she's in a pickle, guess who she's calling? (And rest assured, there will be another, breath-takingly similar pickle.)

There’s a couple of problems here:  

1. Your friend (lover, boss, grown child) doesn’t learn the lesson because he or she suffered no consequences, felt little pain, and made no effort. This pretty much guarantees he or she will repeat the experience (or upgrade to a worse one). And, if she actually kinda likes the experience (no matter how much she says she doesn't), she'll actively seek another one out.
2. Your intentions might be great, but you’ve actually robbed her of the satisfaction of actually solving her own problem, unintentionally creating a sense of helplessness and a feeling of being incapable of effectively saving herself. Essentially, she's just learned that the best she can do is do the dead man’s float in life, rather than learn how to swim - because, after all, she's incapable of learning to swim and someone else will pick up her mess and drag her to shore anyway.

Sometimes you have to let people fall flat on their faces in order to learn a key lesson to create a better life or stop making bad choices. Sometimes, it’s got to get to the point that leaving the situation is less painful than staying for real change to happen. If people never feel pain, they don’t change - there’s no reason to. If you are always saving the day, never letting the person have to really feel the pain of the experience or his or her decisions, you are actually almost guaranteeing that he or she will stay stuck in the experience (which is kind of the opposite of what you intended to do!). 

Think about it this way: when you successfully face a difficulty, obstacle, or tough situation for yourself, summoning up the courage to deal with it and get through it, don’t you feel stronger and more capable?

You do. You know you do. It’s the same reason that cancer survivors wear ribbons and shirts and do 4-day walks and help those going through the disease. It’s the reason that you can sit with your child and tell him that you truly do understand how it feels to be bullied, teaching from the heart how to deal with it. It’s the reason that you can help someone get out of an abusive relationship, because you know what you needed to hear to finally leave. 

By participating actively in solving your own problems and issues - side by side with anyone helping you - you strengthen yourself in ways that allow you to be more resilient, capable, and self-confident. You’ve been there, done that and can help others get through, too. 

So, next time someone asks you to swoop in and solve their problems for them, remember this. Don’t you really want them to have that sense of satisfaction and strength? 

And, if someone won’t participate in their own solutions or healing, you must walk away. It’s not good for you to go down with the ship. It doesn’t prove anything at all that you have given until you fall over. It robs you of the life you are supposed to be leading and it’s time that you could use for someone or something else.

I know this is so hard. It’s a badge of honor when you miraculously fix the unfixable. It’s addictive to think that so many people need you. It feeds that place in you that longs to be loved and wanted and admired. 

I get it. I have the same hunger within me. 

It’s time to feed it something different. It’s time to feed your soul by releasing those that are sucking your energy dry. It’s time to focus on letting go of the notion that you somehow created everyone’s problems and are responsible for solving them. It’s time to use your energy to strengthen you and your life so that you can go on to make the difference in the world that you are intended to make.

So, repeat after me: “I did not create other’s problems. I cannot fix their problems for them. I can only be there to listen, to offer support, and to give only as much time and energy as they are putting in to helping themselves. It's okay for me to release those that drain my energy and refuse to help themselves.” 

Repeat that a lot. It helps. It really does. This should really be your new go-to affirmation.

Have you ever helped someone that didn’t want the help? Or solved everything for someone, over and over? Maybe you broke the over-helping habit? I’d love to hear your stories! 

Part 3 tomorrow - and it is a doozy (you will not believe what I just went through from setting one simple, seemingly innocent boundary)! 

Flow Method Actions to Implement:

Take a look at those that you are helping that continuously require that you save them or clean up their messes. Set a mental boundary right now that the next time they ask, you say “no.” Let them know that you will help them and support them, but you will not do it for them again. Hold fast and remember that it may be painful now, but you will feel better and so will they in the long run.

Repeat the affirmation above over and over. You won’t buy it at first, but eventually, you will start to feel stronger; at that point, things start to shift.

Are You Threadbare? 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Personal Power, Stop Being Overwhelmed, and Set Healthy Boundaries

I’ve been noticing a strange thing lately: many of my favorite pieces of clothing have strings coming loose. It’s not that it’s never happened - everyone’s had one or two errant strings dangling here or there - but rather the amount of loose strings. In fact, I can’t remember a time in my life when so many of my clothes are suddenly unraveling all at once. 

And then it dawned on me: Maybe this is a metaphor for my life. Maybe I am “coming apart at the seams” or feeling like my “stitches are coming undone.” 

Oddly, this is precisely what I have been feeling lately. From the pressures of helping to build a start-up company to keeping up with my own business to trying to be the best wife, daughter, sister, entrepreneur, employee, dog owner, friend, or human that anyone has ever seen, I am feeling very much like I’m fraying at the edges. 

And, just like a thread slowly pulling out stitch by stitch, my overwhelmed feelings didn’t come overnight. Rather, it’s little things - little snags - that have added up over time. 

A few stitches pulled out every time I said, “Sure! I can pull off another miracle for you!” 

Five or six came out each moment I ignored my own needs in order to put others’ needs first. 

A few more popped out when I knew I was seriously overworked and overwhelmed, but let myself get talked into doing even more, instead of less. 

More came undone in each of the 4 (!) moves we went through in the last year alone. I acted like I did okay with it, but the truth is it wore me out.

Half a sleeve’s worth ripped out living in a place where angry dogs chased us every time we walked out the door, and neighbors refused to speak to us (not exactly the “southern hospitality” that one might hope for).

And frankly, some people in my life always have a solid grip on a thread or two, just waiting to pull a few more out, simply because they can.

With all of this, I was becoming seriously threadbare. 

Worse, all this tugging and unraveling and not taking care of myself had been showing up in my body. First, there was an irregular heartbeat a few months back. More recently, I had several days of migraines with strange twitching all over my body. To top it off, I was tested for adrenal burnout, which showed that I now had the adrenal response of an 88 year old woman. Not good.

As I stared now at the thread dangling from the arm of my favorite green dress, I knew it was time to make a change (actually, it was well past time to make a change). So, in the interest of helping you if you are feeling like you are frayed and coming apart, here are 3 behaviors I am implementing immediately:

#1: Stop being everything to everyone, and be everything to yourself first.

My entire life I have focused on serving others to the exclusion of my own needs. I don’t make the income I should at the moment because I have constantly given away everything that I do, often helping others before I ever help myself. Somehow, I believed this was the right or good thing to do, when the truth is that a person who doesn’t accept energy back for their efforts - whether it is money, stuff, or whatever - cannot keep doing what they are doing. However, I didn’t know how to stop. I gave and gave and gave and gave. 

As more and more people had the end of a string that I was willingly giving them, I was wearing seriously thin.

It seems good and satisfying to be that kind of person, but at the end of the day, if you don’t take care of yourself first, you won't be around to take care of others. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, but there will be a day when you will wake up and realize that you have nothing left to give. 

That’s a bad day for everyone.

I once had a coach friend of mine tell me, “I always tell leaders that it’s a crime if they do not take care of themselves. After all, if the leader breaks down, it is a total disservice to those that are following him or her - they are left without a guide, and that is irresponsible.” 

She was right. I don’t care who you are, you are leading someone. You may be a mom leading your family. You may be a dog owner leading your dog. You may be a coach or teacher leading a bunch of kids. You may be a manager or entrepreneur leading a team of people. You may be a speaker or writer with people that follow what you say. No matter what, there are people looking up to you.

What happens when, with all of your good intentions of helping people, you finally fall apart? What happens to all these people you care about so much? Who will help them? 

If you are not there to give, to help, to lead, then all those counting on you are suddenly on their own, fending for themselves. 

Wouldn’t it be better if you took care of yourself, doing what you HUMANLY can do for those you care about but setting realistic and healthy boundaries so that you can keep doing what you do best? 

It would. You know it would. Start making yourself a first priority right now.

Part 2 tomorrow! Until then, have you ever felt seriously threadbare? What did you do to help yourself? How did you reclaim your personal power?

Flow Method Action to Implement:

Say "no" to three things this week, and in the time that you would have used for doing those things, do things that are a priority for you or your business instead. Make a note to yourself of how you feel. Do you feel less ovewhelmed simply in the act of saying "no?" Is saying "no" overwhelming at first?

Just for Today, Try a Little Non-Judgment

Today, riddled with a shockingly bad headache (and yes, I know exactly what caused it), I wandered off to our local pharmacy in search of a caffeine-riddled elixir to knock it out. You see, although I DO know the root cause of the headache - a difficult, annoying situation that is working itself out for the best, but is causing serious pressure in the head in the meantime - I have found that the one thing that seems to work for me when I get a whopper of a headache is a couple of ibuprofen and an "energy drink."

Yes, it is true - even I - the creator of The Flow Method - have a few things that are patterns that are stuck and, once they kick in, cannot seem to break. Unfortunately, headaches are my kryptonite - it seems like the pain in my head blocks out all attempts to reason with it, meditate it away, or really, to focus at all. They are also my warning flag that something in my life is making me feel stuck, so I definitely respect them when they happen.

For now, I have come to terms with this little idiosyncrasy of my mind, and I am okay with having to reach outside myself to remedy the situation. Someday, I will be so retuned that I won't have to do that anymore, but for now, it's all okay (that is exactly what I tell all my clients, by the way - do not be hard on yourself if you don't see yourself transforming immediately - it is happening and will happen at the pace that it is supposed to).

So, there I am, wandering through the store, squinting against the now all-too-bright lights. Walking quickly (but feeling like I am going through sand), I almost run into an enormous, barrel-chested, hairy beast of a man.

I glance up and manage an, "Oh my, I am so sorry!"

All the while, images of the Harley Davidson bar in Pee Wee's Big Adventure are going through my head - this man looks like he could be the bouncer for the toughest, most frightening biker bar out there.

Suddenly, his grizzled appearance goes into a smile, and he says, "No worries, little lady," in a style so reminiscent of John Wayne that I look a bit harder to see if this isn't a John Wayne sighting in Jacksonville, Florida (for all you conspiracy buffs out there, sorry, no go).

He and I part ways, and as I glance back, I watch him carefully picking out a sundress for a child - perhaps a grand-daughter? I smile at the obvious tenderness of this big, burly, scary-looking man.

I finally grab my elixir-of-choice and head to the check out, where, once again, I am joined by the gentle giant. I glace back and smile at him, and he nods at me - a momentary connection between a blond former-cheerleader and a possible candidate for a ZZ-Top reunion tour.

Then, the most delightful surprise happened: his phone began to ring. Now, I don't normally find this either delightful nor a surprise in most situations, but his ring was, well, positively ethereal. While I would have prejudged him as having - oh, I don't know - "Dirty Deeds" blaring as his ring tone, he had just the opposite - a new-agey "ode to peace" would be perhaps the best way to describe it.

I smiled at him and said, "Wow - that's actually a nice ring tone!"

He nodded. "Yep. I picked it because I thought it was peaceful. Most people just try to annoy each other with jarring tones -I figured I could spread a little joy."

"Well, you succeeded, just to let you know." I smiled again and wandered out, taken with the fact that most people would have judged this man by his burly appearance, thinking him a thug or hell-raiser - when, in fact, he was a gentle soul, wishing to do no harm to others and spread a little joy around his immediate environment.

As I glanced back, he was purchasing a lovely red sundress, and beaming with excitement, telling the cashier, "I got this just because my grandbaby is so special. I thought I would make her day."

So, my challenge to you today is to make today "Non-Judgment Day." Make an effort to speak to someone who you would normally ignore or avoid. Find out a little something about the "odd" guy that sits in the cubicle over from yours. Say "hello" to the hippie or harley guy in line next to you at the coffeehouse.

While you are at it, cut yourself a little slack. Choose to not judge yourself for just a day - or, heck, just five minutes. 

See how much better you feel - and how connected you really are to everyone else in this world.

Have a transformative, beautiful day today.

My Oprah Casting Call (Part 6)

We hang up the phone, and I get some time to ponder what a lucky girl I am to have such wonderful people in my life, and also to think about the lessons I have learned from this experience that can be applied to life in general.  

So, in the hopes that I can help you with what I have learned, here are a few of them:

1. Putting yourself out there is not as scary as you think.

I think in life we are all scared of totally owning who we are and what we do. We are afraid that if we step out there and really declare our passions and our deepest dreams and our gifts, we’ll be ridiculed or shot down, with or without the blaze of glory.

I truly understand this, because I worried about coming out and saying, “Yes, I am a medical intuitive! Yes, I created a mind-body-spirit-life program that allows people to change anything about their lives!” I mean, what in the world will everyone think? It all seems a bit - well, different from the norm at the very least, I suppose. 

However, the truth is that in declaring who I am without reservation, amazing things have happened. I received notes from people from childhood who told me that I made a difference in their lives even at a young age simply by being the kid that always tried to be nice to everyone. I had one note that said that this person knew I would end up doing something like this for work, because I always seemed to have a sixth sense about when someone needed help or support. 

Upon getting these incredible messages, I realized that if the only thing that came out of this experience was that I got to know that I had made a difference in people’s lives, then that would be more than enough. 

But the positive effects went beyond this. I have also had people who have since approached me for help with health and life issues - people that had no idea that this was my work before I decided to audition. Moreover, I have been asked to participate in and speak at several mind-body seminars and conventions. And - I have reconnected with several friends in the process.

And, even if I am not right for the reality show, I still believe that the video might just get me enough recognition to end up as a perfect expert guest for one of the shows on Oprah’s TV or Radio Networks. You just never know. 

The lesson of all of this? Take a deep breath and decide that you are going to be exactly who you really are, consequences be damned. Do not be afraid to step out there. Believe that who and what you are is needed in this world, or you wouldn’t exist. I promise you, there is power in truly being the person you are intended to be - wonderful things will begin to happen.

2. Sometimes in life, you only have 45 seconds to get your point across.

Everyone from acting coaches to marketing managers to networking professionals will tell you the value of having an “elevator pitch” ready to go. What’s an elevator pitch? Essentially, if you were stuck in an elevator with the person who could be your biggest sale or make your biggest dream true and had only 45 seconds to get your point across, what would you say? What is the most essential information about you that would convince this person to become your client or to move you to the next level in your career? How would you make yourself irresistible and unique?

If you need help figuring out what your 45 second pitch would be, check out this great site I found: http://www.buzzuka.com./

By answering just a few questions, you can drill down to what is really essential about your and your business - and what your passion is - and have a beautifully crafted pitch that is sure to win you clients and friends.

Then, practice it. You just never know when your moment is going to come down to less than a minute of someone’s attention.

3. Being nice to people may cause you some frustration, but in the end, you will be happier that you were nice and helpful than not.

Sure, Del and Dwayne might have been a bit annoying, but honestly, if I was a mega-bitch that morning and either ignored them or was openly mean to them, I would have walked away from the experience not only feeling horrible about my behavior, but I would have hurt a couple of people who really didn’t deserve it.

In fact, I have since found “Del’s” website and YouTube station and actually agree with him on many points, namely that everyone should take the chance to go after their heart’s desires, that everyone has something about them that is really special, and that we desperately need to do something about global warming before it is too late.

So, my gut instinct about him was right on - he was annoying, sure, but he has a good heart. Much like the real Del from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, there is a lot to be learned from my casting call buddy: Be optimistic about life. You might have to go through 8 jobs in a year, but you don’t have to be depressed while you are doing it. You can inspire people with your life even if you aren’t Oprah or Dr. Phil, and maybe because you aren’t. 

And finally, Del definitely epitomizes lesson #1: He is, in all ways, unapologetically, exactly who he is. Not everyone is going to like him, but that is going to happen whenever you are who you really are. At the end of the day, if you don’t have a few people who dislike you, you probably haven’t ever been your true self or stood up for something you truly believe in. So, don’t obsess when people don’t like you. When you think about it, you probably don’t really value their opinion or view of the world, either. 

By being brave enough to truly stand up for your true self and for that which you feel is right, you can also move people to action and change the world, and that is a powerful thing. 

And remember, as Dr. Kent Keith so beautifully says in his Paradoxical Commandments, “The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.”

4. You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person.

If you have ever poured over your bio, pitch, manuscript, or marketing letter with a fine-tooth comb, constantly worrying that you weren’t saying quite the right thing in quite the right way, or that it needed “just one more thing” to be perfect, then listen up:

It will never be perfect, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you get it out there, so that the right person can see it and love it and get your dream in motion.

In my case, I first learned this lesson when I was asked to send a book proposal out to a Los Angeles agent. I worked around the clock on the proposal for 4 weeks, and finally, just put it in an envelope and sent it. 

The next day, I got a call from the agent, who told me that my book “was a bestseller” and to get it written. 

Looking back on that proposal, I would change thousands of things about it now - but it was the right proposal for the right person at the right time. He was supposed to get that proposal and he was supposed to be the one to get the book moving out to the world. 

I could not say the wrong thing to him - even though, at that time, I had NO idea what in the world I was doing when I created the proposal, and honestly, I don’t think it was the best proposal in the world. 

In the same way, I couldn’t have said anything different in my 45 seconds that would have gotten me the call back for the OWN casting. It was the wrong experience at the wrong time, and no amount of prep would make it right. However, the experience is leading me to the right people at the right time, so none of it is wrong. How’s that for a paradox?

Absolutely put the time into whatever you do to practice your pitch, to make sure your speech is as good as it can be, to proofread your proposal or manuscript or marketing letter, but stop yourself before you become obsessed with needing “one more thing.” Sometimes good enough is good enough. Set your idea free, and believe with your heart and soul that the right person will see it and be entranced with it.  

And, should you get a “no” from someone, keep this great quote from Keith Olbermann in mind: “Don't take it personally when they say 'no' — they may not be smart enough to say ‘yes.’ ”

5. When it says that they are casting for a reality show, believe them.

This one may seem a bit obvious, but although the OWN website did say that we were competing to get on a reality show and that the first step was to “find the best participants for the television competition,” I still read, “Oprah” into that and figured it would end up being less trashy-reality show and more experts-compete-to-get-their message-out.

Well, that, and they did say they were looking for experts, but I digress.

Listen, if it says that they are casting for a reality show, they are. If you are not the sort of person that will go off on someone because they got orange juice in your Cheerios or “dissed” you at the day’s contest, it’s probably not the opportunity for you, and that is okay.

6. Don’t be afraid to try something new. If all you get out of it is a funny story, it is  still worth it.

Remember when you were a kid and you would fearlessly climb a new tree or try a new sport without any fear of failure or injury? And even if you did injure yourself it was all part of the fun - it wouldn’t stop you from trying it again?

As adults, we lose this excitement for new experiences because we become so stuck in our ways, so afraid of trying anything that we haven’t tried, so sure we need to keep ourselves safe and maintain our status that we do not challenge ourselves to do new things, even if we are miserable in our current situation. “Better to deal with the devil we know,” we think to ourselves.

For instance, I work with many people who want to take the leap and start their own businesses or change careers to follow their dreams, but fear of failure and of financial disaster pins them to their spot. 

And then I ask,  “At 80 years old, will you be happier that you stayed in a job or situation that you were miserable in to ‘be safe,’ or will you be happier that you took a chance and really went after your dreams, even if that meant you have to lose some things along the way?”

I’d say 90% of the time the person answers, “I think I would be much happier having taken the risk.” For the other 10%, they are usually very risk-adverse people and honestly, it would be very hard for them to see risk as anything good, even if it meant being miserable for the rest of their lives.

However, whatever your answer to this question would be, the truth of the matter is that by the time you are an adult you will have learned that nothing in life is really safe, no matter how much you plan or how careful you are. You may have worked for the same employer with a “secure paycheck” for 10 dedicated years when you are laid off without so much as a thought. You might have built your life around your family and home when your husband shows up and says that he wants a divorce. You might have been a realtor that saved up 6 months of income only to have the real estate market tank and found yourself on the verge of bankruptcy through issues outside your control.

And that is the reality - that even taking the “safe road” isn’t really safe. 

Since that is the case, why not try a few things that are scary but exciting? Why not throw caution to the wind and do something impulsive but that lets you know you are alive? Why not take even the smallest steps to challenge yourself, or to go after your real dreams even in the smallest ways. 

Sure, the casting call wasn’t what I expected it to be, but in the end, I got a really funny story out of it and some truly excellent life lessons. I am proud that I went for it, and don’t regret a moment.

So, tell me - what can you do today that will be an outrageous, "carpe diem" experience? Or how have you seized the day and lived to NOT regret it? 

I'd love to hear your stories!